A
female
age
41-50,
*tarfairy
writes:I feel we are drifting apart...My boyfriend and I have been friends for 10 years and boyfriend/girlfriend for 7 months. We moved in together 2 months ago. Things were absolutely fine until an unfortunate series of events that began 4 weeks ago that seem to have ad a detrimental effect on our relationship.We had an arguement one night 4 weeks ago, just before we were supposed to go to a party where all his friends and ex girlfriend would be. I don't really know his friends and felt uncomfortable at the prospect of being arouns his ex, because she had tried to break us up early on in the relationship, she wanted him back. So we fought, he went and I didn't. He didn't come home, and a few days later I find a druken photo of him and his ex on the internet, heads touching and her touching his face. I trust him, it just really hurt my feelings, especially as she really went all out to try to get him back when we first got together.Then we went on holiday. I totally hold my hands up and admit I can be difficult "around that time of the month". We were in a country where neither of us spoke the language and no one around really spoke much English. We had a horrible arguement, I told him to b*gger off, and he took it literally, taking every penny we had between us, his passport, and flew home. I didn't know this until my Dad called me later that night to tell me, I was worried that he had been hit by a car somewhere, as he didn't have his mobile phone on him so i had no way of contacting him. So I was left for the remaining days alone in this foreign country. When I flew home, he came to pick me up from the airport. I was quite upset, but even more upset by the fact that I pretty much had to force an apology out of him.Now it's been a couple weeks since I got back from the holiday, but we both feel really stressed out from money problems - he spent a huge chunk of our rent money on flying home (neither of us are big earners and I have recently become pretty much unemployed). We aren;t having sex at all, I don't even really feel affectionate towards him. All this stuff is at the back of my mind, I feel hurt and disapointed and let down by him. But to top it off, tonight we had both planned nights out with our respective friends. My friends cancelled but that was ok, I had some things to do at home and was looking forward to a night in on my own. He went out with his guy friends, and I haven't heard from him now since 6pm (it's now 2:30am). I text him at 11pm o ask if he was coming home (as I would bolt the door if he isn't), but didn't hear back so I called him at 12:30, then again at 2am. Half of me is livid, that he dares to go out and get drunk and not even have the courtesy to tell me he isn't coming home, especially with the rut we seem to be stuck in, but the other half is worried sick, what if he's hurt or something's happened?I'm just so fed up, I don't know how to fix this.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (26 September 2007):
 Well maybe when he's in a good mood, sit him down and tell him you want to talk about ways the two of you can "fight fair". Number one, no name calling. Number two, no saying "I hate you"....you can say, "I hate it when you..."
No spending the night away from home unless you say where you're going to be... and are available, in case one of you wants to apologize and end the fight. In other words, no disappearing. And above all, no leaving while on vacation. Totally out of line. Anything could've happened to you, that was just irresponsible in my opinion and how would he have felt then? Woman are abducted all the time and he should've at least felt alittle bit protective about you, enough that he wouldn't have abandoned you while on vacation. You guys have to come to terms with ways you can argue, and discuss problems in a more mature way if this relationship is going to continue to be healthy. Even if he isn't cheating on you, he is simply behaving badly and it would leave me to wonder what extreme he might go to, in order to "pay you back". Having said that, you both need to learn how to speak to each other without lashing out, even when you're hormonal. Unfortunately, how a couple argues, is as important as how you make love and it speaks volumes about your stability when you're always threatening to leave each other at the first sign of trouble. Couples who go the distance in life don't behave this way. They learn how to be angry at the situation, and keep their accusations neutral. It's the behavior you dislike, not the person. I hope this helps you out.
A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (26 September 2007):
starfairy is verified as being by the original poster of the question I agree with you basschick, he is hot headed and does act immature alot of the time.
I don't feel that he was with his ex gorlfriend that night though, I do trust him and I don't believe he would cheat on me.
Further more his ex gorlfriend is at university 150 miles from here, so it makes that just a little less possile anyway.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (25 September 2007):
Your b/f is immature and hot-headed. I don't think he respects you or treats you particularly well, but it could be his age. I'm concerned that he went to that party without you and had a photo of his ex parading around on the internet. Total lack of respect and cruel. I also suspect he spent the night with her and that's the "friend" he fell asleep with. He's acting irresponsibly and as though he doesn't really care much about you in general. You both need to work on your nasty streaks and learn to treat each other with more respect. There has to be boundaries, even during an argument otherwise this relationship is doomed.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (25 September 2007):
starfairy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice guys.
He sent me a text at 3am last night/earlier this morning, he said he fell asleep on his friends sofa after having a few drinks and dinner. I trust him 99% (I have previously learned you can never trust someone 100%, no matter how trustworthy you think they are) but I can't help something smells fishy. He is he type to fall asleep anywhere, but he isn't the type to sleep through his ringtone, so I'm not really sure what to think. Earlier in the day I felt he had been acting a little out of character, when I called him late in the afternoon (I had to make an appointment at the bank and needed to know when he was free to go, as it is for a joint account), but when he picked up all I heard was a blast of music for 10 seconds then the line went dead. When I called back he didn't answer. When I asked hm about this later, he said he didn't hang up on e or whatever. It just struck me as odd.
One point, not neccessarily in his defense, but just to add, was that when he left me in the foreign country, it was a house that my family owned. That was only the second time I had visited though, I didn't know the area very well. i did have my mobile phone on me though and kept in constant contact with my family, which kept me sane really. But gave me a high phone bill!!
Whenever we have talked about our arguements afterwards, I really feel that I am quick to know my bad points and I do apologise. When he picked me up form the airport I apologised for being a hormonal b*tch and saying nasty things. I know that is a big flaw with me, and I am now trying different treatments to see if I can help my hormones. But I feel that he just says sorry because I make him. After things settle I do know he feels bad, but it hurts that he doesn't immediately feel sorry for the things he does or says.
He knows he has a problem with making irrational decisions that have bad after effects, maybe last night genuinely was an accident, maye he really did fall asleep, but I just feel that with the waythings have been going, the littlest thing seems to have the biggest catastrophic effect on my feelings.
In so many respects, he is a good boyfriend, he really looks after me, 95% of the time he puts me first, always makes sure I am happy. It's that 5% of the time he makes dumb choices that hurts me.
Cupidhelper - you're right that I never thought about him treating me like a friend, I think that maybe that does apply, but in other ways I think he is just as stubborn as I am, the night he went to the party, oth of us could have easily picked up the phone, it was our pride that got in the way. It did hurt that he didn't let me know he wouldn't be home though.
Salems Whispers - I haven't seen 'Premonition', I will have to get that out!
Happytochat - I guess it does seem like he flees every time we fight. Fair enough there have been times I have told him to b*gger off, when we had calmed down, we both admitted we say things we don't mean when angry and I asked him not to take me totally seriously when I say things like that - just give me an hour to cool down and guaranteed I will feel differently. I think he takes it to the extreme though and just goes for a longer period of time than he should.
I do want to fix it, I don't just want to run away. When it's good,it's so amazing, and I know I love him. I know he loves me too. It just seems that these events have put a bit of a veil over things.
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A
female
reader, cupidhelper  +, writes (25 September 2007):
If he hadn't left you in a foreign country and spent all your rent money, I'd say that he was still treating you like a friend. You don't check in with friends or call them to tell them you'll be late.
Nut he's a jerk. He left you in a foreign country with no money. You could have been hurt. what if the hotel kicked you out or you planned to hotel hop and didn't have money for a hotel, were you to sleep on the street?
if you want to work if out, explain you're a girlfriend now.
But honestly, he's going to hurt you in a major way. dump him. He left you in a foreign country-- he took you seriuosly, you've known him for 10 years. he knows your moods, and even if he got confused, HE LEFT YOU IN A FORIGN COUNTRY WITH NO MONEY!!!
Oh, and either take over your apartment when you break up or make sure your name's not on lease, he'll not pay and leave you in debt plus interest & bad credit.
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (25 September 2007):
Thats alot to go through I must say! I cant even imagine how horrible you must be feeling at the moment. But good on you for asking how to fix things, rather look for a way out of the relationship- that shows courage, commitment and dedication.
Now let me say tht I think you have every right to feel the way you feel. If i was in your situation I think I would be the same! Of course you are going to be uncomfortable around all his friends and his ex gf...I dont see how he can expect anything else. It sounds me that since you guys had a fight about it, he didnt seem to have any understanding? And then to find that photo of him with his ex would be very upsetting. Even if nothing happened, the fact that he let her get so close is disrespectful to your relationship! Its pretty inappropiate I think.
Now then he goes and abandons you in a completly different country to your home??? I dot know how he could do that. Any decent man wouldnt leave someone, especially someone they care about, in a country where no one realy speaks english. Thats what I woudl think anyway. Of course you are going to feel let down! No matter how bad the times get, you should each stand by each toher. In my opinion as soon as one walks out the door and implies they arent coming back- it should be taken that way. Its NOT OK for your partner to leave you and then expect him to take you abck whe nhes good and ready.
He seems to have a habit of fleeing and running away from any bad situation- he goes to the party without you after a fight and doesnt return to a fair time after and he leaves you in another country.
I could go on for a while about how you deserve so much more then what you are geting in this relationship and how your bf seems to lack some respect for you (its the decent thing to do to ring you to say hes not coming home!). So onto, how do you fix this?
Well start off by when both of you are as calm as can be, have a discussion about it. Be careful to not sound like you are picking on him and all that. State how YOU feel, use personal pronouns such as 'i, me' etc...
FOr exmaple, if you say 'when you left me in that country by myself, I felt abandoned', rather then saying 'YOU abandoned me in that country'...thats placing blame, where as the first version isnt blaming, its saying how YOU feel.
Another point is to perhaps start talking about what you know YOU did wrong, such as telling him to b*gger off. That way he realises you are taking responsibility for your part, so therefor he is more likeing to do the same too.
Hopefuly after some talking he will be ale to understand how you are feeling and hopefully you will be able to understand where he is coming from too.
However the chances of this may not be as high as what you would like. If he continues to be so insensitive, and running at any sign of an issue, and having no respect, then you need to ask yourself am i prepared to settle for this? how long are you prepared to wait for this situation to get any better? years? because thats how long it could take.
so my advice, in conlcusion is to have a talk about what happened, if you both can see where and how things went wrong, take responsibility for it and figure out ways together of how to improve the situations, then, see how that goes...and if things dont improve in x amount of time it may be time to move on.
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