A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi DearCupid, I apologise if this is all over the place but here goes ...The general score is that my partner and I will be moving in together come September. The trouble is, all people that are close to him are capable of doing is putting obstacles in his ways. To begin with, there are fake accounts online on suspect looking sex sites, planted - we think - by his particularly psychotic ex-girlfriend. Since then, his father has made it quite clear he doesn't approve of our relationship. It's unconventional (I don't really want to go into details), and all involved are consenting and happy, yet recently his father has taken to making below-the-belt remarks on Facebook to get a rise out of me (it hasn't worked so far).Tonight, he is being subjected to a games night with a toxic friend and her family ... this particular friend is on a path to self-destruct and doesn't care who she takes with her, she stays with an abusive man only to then get abused, attempt an overdose then move home for a few weeks, then change her mind and go back to him. She has had all the local support going and has thrown it back in their face. In the last month alone she has had three overdoses. She needs real help. The worst part is that my partner blames himself for not being a good enough friend, and all parents involved think she could benefit from time with my partner, hence scheduling this game night for a night I'm not there. I am just worried she will "latch on", and get the wrong idea. I trust him with my life, but I trust her with nothing.The last thing he needs is more guilt, he is already feeling guilty for leaving home for the first time, he is also the highest earner in the house so I'm not sure how his departure would affect this.All I know is that after he flunked his exams 7 years ago he gave up all hope of being a musician and went into bakery ... and now this autumn he will be starting a music degree in the place we're moving to and realising his dreams.If he will ever be allowed to leave, anyway. I feel we have the world against us at the moment, and people are being malicious, gossiping and two faced. What can I do? I feel like the best thing to do is take a step back, because I really, really don't think being the bad guy is a good idea. :/Am I over-reacting? I honestly don't know, I need your input.
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female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 All I am saying is that it seems like YOU and HE could say NO to a lot of the things going on in your lives. You don't have to allow people on your Facebook page. In fact, you don't have to have a Facebook page at all if it is causing you grief. He does not have to see a family friend who is suicidal. He does not have to attend game night without you. He does not have to acknowledge someone joining porn sites. In fact, how would someone know your new address unless you are broadcasting it? When I am having trouble with certain people and want to keep my information private, I keep it private. If I have to keep it from family, I do so. I do not post things on Facebook that would give those enemies "ammunition" to get back at me or my boyfriend. I am not sure why he is putting himself into a cocoon to survive when he could clearly say "NO" to a lot of this drama by not communicating with these people. You must do what you have to do to protect yourself and your life. With that being said, it is not his job nor his duty to try to save a toxic/suicidal friend. The two of you need to get your priorities right. Instead of playing into everyone elses comments and games, you need to figure out how to shut them down and out of your lives. These toxic people are ruining your lives and you need to put a stop to it. That may mean you don't answer phone calls/emails/texts and only put very general information on any social networking sites. Besides that, we all fall into jobs we don't like. We all get depressed and want something different. It's not so unusual...it's called being an adult and doing what you need to do. Now, I apologize for talking to you in a very curt manner, but I feel you are not doing everything you could do to keep these negative people and things out of your lives.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thank-you for the response so far. I should clarify that the ex and his father are not in partnership here, they don't talk ... the sites are a hunch that the ex may have made them, quite simply because of the misinformation on it, as she already believes we've moved. So, the new place was on the profile, and who else would know his birth date and other personal details? Regardless, I believe he did not put this up himself. Not long ago he told me that if we don't work out, then I am the last one, and in addition to the fact he is trying to simplify his life as much as possible before the move, I really don't think he would do it. The comments were made on my own status on Facebook so there's no avoiding that one ... he turned what was a light-hearted comment on my partner and love into below the belt comments detailing how I don't love my partner, which resulted in me deleting said status ... when my partner spoke to him about it he said he regretted it the minute he pressed enter.BondGirl72, I did not mention the good things, as it is not the good things I have a problem with. But I will say this; he is loyal, more loyal than he should be considering how often he deals with my insecurities and baggage (I was in an abusive relationship before him) ...He is also very stressed in his job, and can't wait to leave it in September and "move home", as he has put it. :) The trouble is he has put himself in a kind of cocoon to survive the summer, he goes into work every day every fiber of his being not wanting to be there and seems to have become very depressed in the process, and there is nothing I can do but stand on the sidelines and watch, and be there when he needs me, but I feel very lonely. Neither of us can wait for September.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (5 July 2012):
My question is...why is HE subjecting himself to all of this negativity? He is an adult and like Aunt Honesty says, is old enough to make his own decisions. Fake accounts on suspect looking sex sites? How exactly would one go about "planting" fake accounts? If they were "planted" one would not necessarily know they were there. I am not sure I am buying this. If his father is making "below-the-belt" remarks, then why are you reading Facebook and playing into his game? Why doesn't your partner tell him it isn't appreciated and stick up for the relationship? Why is he being subjected to a toxic friend and her family? Is someone forcing him at gunpoint to do this? It sounds like your partner is the only thing in common that all of these situations have. And since you do not mention him standing up for you and/or your relationship, I would be particularly suspect of him. The fact he flunked all of his exams 7 years ago and that he is allowing all of these situations to occur are things he is allowing. You have not said one word about how wonderful he is, what a great boyfriend he is, or otherwise. You have not said how committed he is or how much he makes you happy. I believe he is at the center of these situations and if he is not taking a stand for you, allowing things to be scheduled that you cannot attend, going ahead and attending all of these things without you...then HE is the problem and you need to look at reality. I am sorry to be so harsh about it, but for some reason, you can't see the problem. I hope you haven't put your life on hold for this guy because he doesn't sound like he is worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): It sounds like they are all aware they are just going round in circles in their less than contemptible lives and seem to be jealous of the fact you two want to do positive things with yours, and they may even see you as stealing him away from them. You said he was the highest earner in the house before he left home, they may have relied on his income for support, but if he moves away they won't receive any of it (if they did to begin with). Everyone is responsible for the path their life takes, you need to think about yours, do whatever it takes for you and your partner to be happy together, and leave them to make of their lives what they will. As for them trying to provoke a reaction out of you, don't rise to them, any negative response will only be used as a weapon against you. This is something you need to plan between you and your partner, keep all your plans to yourselves don't allow them to know anything as it will only give them a way in to interfere further. Forget about what they want and just do what you two need to do to have a happy future together.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 He is an adult and therefore he is old enough to make his own decisions. I can honestly see why you are worried here but I think the best thing for you to do is to take a step back and bite your tongue because believe me things will get easier in time. His ex girlfriend has got his father under her spell, but believe me he will soon see her true colours. If he is being childish and trying to get at you over facebook just ignore him it will make him more annoyed. Don't react to him.
As for this woman, I can see why you are worried, it sounds like your man has a very big heart and wants to help her out. It is good that you trust him therefore try not to be worried. It sounds to me like she is having a horrendous time and am sure she does not mean to throw peoples help back in there faces, unless you are in an abusive relationship it really is hard to judge, my guess is her self confidence has went to nothing and she is scared to be without him. It is healthy for her to have other friends and to make her realise the relationship is wrong for her and it is great your boyfriend is a loving caring person.
Once you both move away and he starts his degree things will get much easier for you both I am sure of it. You say he may not even be allowed to go but he is an adult so he needs to stand up for himself and do whatever it is he wants to do.
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