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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Could someone please help me understand? My boyfriend (?) and I broke up in October last year. I also found out later that month that he had lied and cheated many many times. We actually tried to do the whole friends bit on his insistence. Didn't work out too great. We have had no contact for two months now. I even stopped all contact with our mutual friends to help me get over this ugly business. What is silly now is that I am disappointed that he hasn't even tried to make any contact in these months. I do realize he never cared for me now but having been together for three years, how could he not even want to know how I was doing? Are people actually that callous?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): Thank you for your answers. But I don't think someone who cares for another would lie and cheat on them for three years. I often wonder what he got out of it- making me feel like a damn fool that is! N you're right, having bad feelings over all this only hurts me but right now I really can't help it. I should be better about all of this after seven months, shouldn't I? N when I know he was lying and cheating the whole time then why should I expect him to care enough to call and see how am doing? Guess am just silly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): I know it is probably very confusing to you why he has behaved this way.
The way I see it, if you were together in a relationship for three years he must have truly cared for you, and he must have not been a total jerk or you wouln't have stayed for three years unless you like being hurt.
You moved 3 hours away for your studies, and he had a life as well....people in your age group have many relationships that are not meant to last forever, it is mostly a matter of timing.....you have a lot of growing and changing to do and it is not always the best thing to try to cling on to a relationship that is no longer working, no longer taking care of your needs and has no where to grow because you have different goals.
It was wrong of him to lie and cheat, possibly after three years he wanted to move on but was afraid of losing you, his security blanket at the same time, and perhaps he represented security to you too.
He wanted to remain friends because he likes you and likes the way things are, but does not want the responsibility of a relationship and taking care of you.
If he cut off contact for two months, he is probably trying to get over you completely so he can move on with his life, he is doing you a favor by doing this as you are still holding onto feelings for him and now they have become resentment and bitterness.
You say you hate him for what he has done. Perhaps you are only hurting yourself with all this hate. Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die, you are the only one hurting, he isn't, he doesn't feel your hatred of him in his heart, only you do.
Let that resentment go, until you do it will keep you stuck in a rut of anger and avoidance and a refusal to feel joy in your life. Be grateful that you had a boyfriend for three years, be grateful that you are not with him now and be grateful for the chance to be single and free to do what you want.
When you are ready to love again, and you have an open heart, love will definately find you again.
There is no reason to remain friends with an ex you loved, this is painful and hard to do, to watch him date other women hurts, so it is best to leave him alone and be respectful that he is going through the same things as you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): We broke up because he didn't want to ever come down to visit me. We lived together for one and a half years and I moved 3 hours away for my studies some 7 months before we broke up. I visited him every weekend, didn't mind it since all my old friends were there and it was cheaper for me to go anyway.
Even after we broke up he was the one who was always calling and chatting like nothing happened.
I realize what he did was horrible and I don't want him in my life. What I don't understand is why he was with me at all when he carrying on like that behind my back? N why be so desperate to be friends and show such indifference now?
I really hate him for what he did.
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A
female
reader, sadeyes  +, writes (19 May 2008):
Have the same situation,although i was only with mine for a year,so not as much history as you.Anyway like that he insisted on the friends thing and at the time you clutch at straws rather than cut contact.
Anyway was too hard cos I was still in love and like you i made effort but it was always me calling him,so i stopped and havent heard from him in weeks.They only sugggest it to make them look like the good guy and ease their conscience although they have no intention of seeing it through
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (19 May 2008):
 Honey why do you want to even associate yourself with a jerk like that???? He cheated on you many times, he never cared about you or your feelings, Period.
It is time to move on and find self- esteem and courage to get on with your life without him, he is not worthy of your care and time. He never respected you enough to be the proper man and do the right thing to have a fulfilling relationship with you. Instead he betrayed your trust and sow his wild oats with other women, without so much as a care for your feelings.
There are lots of callous people out there who hurt their partners without a second thought and to fulfill there own selfish needs. Next time you have a boyfriend, do not stand for anything less and make sure the guy totally respects, treats you like a Real Woman and not someone uses and abuses you Good luck Hun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): A similar thing happened to me. Two weeks before my ex dumped me he told me that I was "the best", the he was "very happy", that he wished we lived together and that he could see me every day, and he sent my flowers. Then he dumped me. And I never heard another peep out of him. It's very difficult to understand how one can go from seeming to care to much to not caring even one tiny little bit.
But, like you, I realized that he never truly cared for me when I was his girlfriend and he certainly didn't care about me after he'd decided he'd had enough of me for whatever reason. I'm sorry to say, but yes, some people really are just that cold and emotionally shallow. But knowing now that that's what my ex was really like, I'm that much happier to have him out of my life. I'm sure you will soon see it that way, too. You are better off not having any contact at all with that kind of cold-hearted person.
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