A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've had a close male friend for over 2 years now. When we first started the friendship there was lots of confusion about what kind of relationship was developing. A kind of are we arnt we sort of thing. At this time my friend (lets call him Ben) was in a relationship with a girl he had been dating for three years. This girl (lets call her Anne) was mildly involved in my friendship groups but not to the extent that I would deem her as anything more than an acquaintance. Ben was becoming increasingly unhappy within his relationship with Anne and they broke up and got back together several times within the next year or so. I was always very supportive of him and listened to his problems but both of us felt like our relationship was maybe more than that of just friends. We kissed on several occasions and took walks to the beach at night, holding hands and hugging, however all of these occasions took place within the many times that Ben and Anne were broken up. Neither of us knew what it was. I started to develop quite strong feelings for him and was confused as to whether it was just friendship or more. One night after Ben's relationship with Anne had been well and truly ended Ben came round to mine and we cuddled on the sofa watching films. This turned into kissing which ended up in us having sex. The sex was brilliant, it felt comfortable and passionate at the same time. Id never felt like that before and Ben said he felt the same. We talked about it afterwards and both agreed that it didn't feel weird at all. Afterwards we hung out the same, sometimes acting like just friends, sometimes cuddling like partners and on two other occasions engaged in sexual intercourse. Nothing came out of it at that moment, Ben liked a couple of other girls and after being in a relationship for so long I considered normal for him to want to mess around a bit. We carried on as normal, I got a boyfriend and immediately after Ben got himself a girlfriend too. I made the unfortunate mistake of telling my new boyfriend that Ben and I had slept together, and that at one time or another we may have had feelings for each other but that they never manifested into anything. He seemed to take it okay to start off with but eventually said he didn't want me to see him again. We spent months fighting over this and I stopped seeing Ben. However one night Ben contacted me and said he was feeling down and wanted to talk. I felt I wanted to be a loyal friend and at the same time a loyal girlfriend but there was no way I would ever be able to do so. Eventually I decided as Ben had been there for me so much I should see him and make sure he was okay. I went to his and we caught up and it felt so great to see him and talk to him again just as friends. That night my boyfriend came to mine to surprise me and found me gone. When I returned he went ballistic asking me where id been. I didn't want to lie so I told him I had been to see Ben and he took it badly, screamed obscenities at me then leaving in a rage. I tried to sort it out by talking to him, endless talks and fights ensued and eventually we seemed back on track again. However now my boyfriend absolutely despises Ben more than ever and doesn't want me to see or speak to him ever again. It even feels like hes not happy with me not talking to or seeing him he actually wants me to hate him as well. We still fight about it and even though I haven't seen or spoken to Ben in months my boyfriend doesn't seem to be able to let it go. I really miss my friend and I know that he worries about me as he tries to get in contact with me via other friends and on facebook on numerous occasions. I feel like there is a part of me missing as I've never had a friend I was as close to as him. But I feel guilty not talking to him and guilty if I do. I'm so unsure what to do about this whole situation please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): I feel your pain...literally. Sometimes in life someone comes around who touches you so deeply that it is difficult to live without them. It is sad that you guys never exclusively chose eachother and now are engaged in other relationships. I can tell you that you may always feel this way about Ben no matter who you are with. Your boyfriend has alot of issues with Ben because he senses that he may lose you to this guy. If you love Ben and he loves you too I think you 2 should be honest with those in your lives before you hurt them any more. Talk things out with Ben so you both can know where you stand, you need some clarity on what type of relationship you have/want. If you and Ben end up in a relationship together it may or may not work but atleast you've tried. There is nothing worse than living with "what if"...you are still young so you have the luxury of trial and error. Once you get married and start a family you don't want to have unfinished business or unanswered questions conserning this Ben guy. Trust me it will devestate you more than having a relationship with him end because it didnt work out. I hope everything works out for you both.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): OK. Try to put aside your feelings for "Ben" for a moment and see the situation through your boyfriend's eyes. To him, "Ben" is a guy who screwed his girlfriend without giving her the love that should come with it, and still thinks he can come back for her attention when he wants, even though she is in a relationship now. To your boyfriend, any effort by "Ben" to contact you is an act of violation and disrespect to him and your relationship. The fact that you went over just because "Ben" asked you to, when you'd promised (did you?) your boyfriend not to see him again, was a huge blow to his trust. EVEN THOUGH you only treated "Ben" as a friend that time.What you're going through is the kind of crap that comes as the consequence of having sex with someone you're not committed to. Sex with "friends" is never a good thing. Too late now though--if you still really love your boyfriend, you will have to leave "Ben" in the past. And you'll have to be patient with your boyfriend too--trust takes time to rebuild, and people need a lot of reassurance (not just in words).People can be just as jealous of an emotional connection as a sexual one, maybe more so, maybe less, but when there was BOTH, it's too much.Ask yourself what's most important for you. And for that, sometimes you have to give up things you don't want to.
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