A
female
age
41-50,
*Lonely
writes:I am married and started seeing a married man. A little bit of history...I knew him back when I was 16 (he was 21) and we worked together. He never lead on like he liked me, of course I would catch him looking at me. I totally was crushing on him and never let him know, but told a friend and well it got back to him. I ran into him again a year later and we exchanged numbers (I was 17) and I just really wanted him to be my boyfriend. There was a miss understanding and my sister told him where to go so when he joined the Army, he never kept in contact with me because I lived w/ my sister. I ran into him two more times after that. One time was at Wal-mart where I saw him, but was not close enough to speak to him. He later claimed he tried to find me in the store but could not locate me. The last time we ran into each was in 2004. I actually talked to him as I was working a blood drive and he was a potential donor. He kept asking me if I lived in the area and i was bragging that I was married, bought a house, etc. I could tell he wanted my info, but I thought he was a jerk, so I never took the bait. Besides, he had his step-son w/ him. Dec 12, 2009I contacted him through Facebook as I wanted to know if the misunderstanding from the past was really what it was. Needless to say, it took off from there. In 2004 I never would have thought to cheat on my husband, but this year was different. Since I have been with my husband, he has done crack, he drinks every day, and has to look at porn before he can have sex with me. He has not slept in the same bed as me since 2002. He falls asleep in bed and when I go to bed he gets on the couch. When I ask him why, he cannot tell me a good reason he does not want to sleep with me. There is no foreplay in our sex life and I cannot remember the last time my husband actually french kissed me. We never go any where (other than the Mexican restaurant as he loves the margaritas). When he comes home, all he does is drink his beer and watch TV. When he calls me on the phone, it's because he needs me to do something and the conversation usually lasts 1-2 minutes at best. I have even begged the man bawling to wrap his arms around me and hold for a minute or two. And yet he stood there, arms folded, relentless. Needless to say, I am very lonely and feeling unloved. We have 2 daughters together and I am torn about if I should stay or go. Before I contacted my friend and felt dead and numb inside, I was mechanical. My friend would spend hours on the phone with me. He told me about the problems in his marriage (which basically are communication issues). We met for lunch on Christmas Eve, then dared to sneak out and catch a movie on a Sunday night. We kissed at the movie and acted like school kids. You could totally tell neither one of us had cheated before. I would call him and he would call me. I would text him and he me. He would send me nice msgs through FB and I he. I would even leave work for an hour once a week to spend time with him just talking, kissing, but most of all he just held me with no expectations. Finally after a month and a half he stated he wanted us to have just one night together. He wanted to know what it would be like to wake up with me in his arms. It happened and it was the best night ever. He bought me a classy night gown in which no one has ever done that before, he paid for the hotel, he took me out to dinner, he openly showed affection in public. He paid for everything! He romanced me and just made me feel awesome and appreciated. The whole night, we were glued to each other. We never stopped snuggling. I soaked up every second, every hug, every kiss. For a brief moment, I felt scared and thought I should leave and go back home, but I quickly dismissed the thought. The morning was the same. Towards the end of the morning before check out, when we were saying our byes, I thought I would never see him again so I did what I thought I would never do, I told him that I loved him. He told me that he could not tell me that yet while he was still with his wife. I did not expect him to say it. He asked me why I told him and I said I just wanted him to know before we walked out. After we left, he sent me a msg via FB telling me that I had not seen the last of him. He later said the look on my face showed that I thought that was the last I had seen of him. In fact, he was actually more into me than before. But then it changed, her Dad had a heart attack and he wanted to be there for her. Then the room was supposed to be discounted and he said that he left the receipt in his pants to call the hotel for the discount, and she found it when doing laundry. She asked him point blank about who he was with and he lied about it. She pulled his bank statements and asked about all the expenses of all the meetings we had as he paid for everything. Like $50 at the movies, etc. and he lied about that. Then he started seeing me less and less. He was afraid to see me because he almost got caught and he did not want to end up paying her mad alimony for adultery. (She only makes $8 an hour)he makes triple that. Two weeks ago, I asked him why he did not want to see me anymore and he told me that he needed to see where his marriage is going and he needs to work on it. So I told him then work on it and hung up. I deleted his friendship on FB, and everything he ever sent me. I even deleted the emails I had been saving. Two days later, he emails me and says "so this is how it's going to be? I did not say I did not want to talk to you I just needed to take a break from seeing you as things are or I should say were moving too fast for me." So after two days of trying to get him out of my system, I gave in and told him that I did not want it to be like that but I thought he was blowing me off to chase someone else. He denied seeing someone else of course. He still calls me everyday, but instead of talking 2 or 3 times a day, we only talk once a day. He calls me when I am at work where as before we would talk at 9:45p until 11:15pm when he was at work. He says that work has picked up and that is why we can't talk at night anymore. I still think he is talking to someone else. I know I have no rights to him and the funny thing is that we still talk for 30 minutes a day. I have taken control several times and cut him off when I could tell he still kept wanting to talk. Before he used to tell me details of his marriage and his wife and now we just talk about each other, but not as lovers and nothing is said about our relationship. It's like an elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. I actually want to talk about it, I want to ask him why all of a sudden the change, but I am afraid that i will run him off. Why do I still keep talking to him? Part of me loves the fact that he still calls me, which means he still wants to talk to me, which makes me think he still likes me. I know our relationship was never about sex, as we only did it one time. He stated he wanted it to happen again and was actually working on making it happen again when reality hit and he almost got caught and scared. Before that, he was planning a week together. I could go on, but I really hope you don't throw flames at me. I know what I did was wrong and I have to square that away with God, but I guess I want to know what you think I should do? My husband does not see where he is wrong and feels he is a great provider and an awesome guy. I just feel so lonely and unloved! Not only by my hubby, but now by my ex-lover.
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a break, affair, at work, christmas, crush, exchanged numbers, facebook, foreplay, kissing, married man, my ex, porn, sex life, text, unloved Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, -Lonely +, writes (30 March 2010):
-Lonely is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone who replied, I was really scared to post this. I am so grateful for the words of encouragement and the different perspectives you have shown me, and above that's for not judging me.
C. Grant - Yes, I've only been married 9 yrs. I am currently in week 2 of personal counseling. My hubby would never go to counseling with me as he feels it's for the weak. Thank you again for your honesty and well wishes.
Anonymous - yes, i've thought about divorce, but am scared if that is the right choice or if I should keep trying to make my marriage work. No, I could never tell my hubby that I had an affair, he could take the kids and well, you might as well just kill if you take my children from me. Thx again for your response. It was helpful.
tjazzy - you're right I have tied my appreciation and self esteem to these two men. You're right they are losers and and I need to realize that. Besides, I really need to work on my self confidence and that's for showing me that angle.
soon 567 - thank you for showing me that he took advantage of my weak moment and just wanted to have sex with me. I have often thought "how could i ever trust him as he would do it to his wife who he's known for almost 20 yrs, what makes me so special?" Deep down, I know it would never have worked between us, but I just really miss the way he used to hold me w/o any expectations and how he made me think he understood where I was coming from.
lerokiya - thank you too for showing me that the old bf could totally smell vulnerable and lonely all over me. In fact, he made a comment that he got a lonely housewife. Almost as if it was a badge of honor. That made me feel not very special. You're right, I need to stop feel so beat down and gain some independence. The funny this is that I have a great paying job. I have a great career in a well known blood bank. I just have a lousy grasp on my self esteem and personal life.
A
male
reader, lerokiya  +, writes (28 March 2010):
First off, the crack using issue raises a big red flag. Idk if this current marriage will every work out unless his demons are addressed first, then counselling should be considered if you decide if your marriage is worth saving. I know there are men out there who can catch the scent of a lonely, vulnerable woman, and their big goal? Sex and more sex! I too have neglected my ex, recently broke up, and she did a similar thing, she found an ex bf via facebook. Idk if they're even still together as I confronted this man, found him on her friends list, bluffed and threatened to expose him to his famiy n friends, he immediately took himself off facebook. it's taken my a while to let go as I've been a caretaker in the relationship. I cannot control what she does, or what they do, but I do have the freedom to make the decision to not contact her anymore, unless it's for the sake of the children, who live with me.
This old bf seems to be pre occupied with saving his marriage and you are on deck in case it doesn't work out, which is probably my exs' current position. when you are strong enough to be independent and are able to stand alone, a man will appear who is meant for you. best of luck.
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A
female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (26 March 2010):
Don't feel suicidal. Neither of them has rejected you. But you seem to have tied your appreciation of yourself to whether men want to be with you or not. I think you need to stop thinking about men for a while. Just be a little selfish and do something that will make only you happy, that will build your self esteem. You know why? Both your husband and the other guy are losers and you need to realise that.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (26 March 2010):
 I think you should talk to your husband try to make things work with him, you speak of how distant he is with you but have you tried to re-kindle your relationship. Find out what is bothering your husband maybe its something so simple that can be change. It can also be you, for personal experience I can tell you sometimes its easier to blame others than to take responsibility for our actions and mistakes. Try and save your marriage talk to your husband and give him an opportunity to change. Don't waste your time on your lover let him live his live with his family he is married. If he is trying to make things work between him and his wife that is great let it be because his loyalty is to her not you. Be strong let him go talk to your husband and both of you together try to save your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): For starters, try to build yourself up and not be dependent on your ex-lovers affection. I can't give more advice than that, but its where I feel you should start. Grow more independent and set yourself first. See what you need, have how you can have your needs met. Then perhaps try and work things through with your husband. Have you considered divorce, or is that out of the question? Have you considered being honest with your husband about what you did? There is no denying that you and your husband have issues when he can not even sleep in the same bed as you. As for him not showing you affection, have you thought it could be because he himself is having an affair? Im not saying he is, but there can be many reasons for why he acts the way he does, more reasons than you at first can think of. So if you want to work it out with your husband, dig into those reasons.
As for your ex-lover, I think you are doing the right thing by trying to get him out of your life. He only complicates your life, and you complicates his, and there is no stability to it.
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A
male
reader, twistedelm +, writes (26 March 2010):
I know this woman who has had many lovers now and in the past. I am aware that she tells them *No Commitment*--it works for her. She is a divorced woman with two kids. Maybe this will make someone think over this love idea? Just putting my two-cents in the mix. Good Day.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (26 March 2010):
 My heart goes out to you. You're in a rotten situation. Of course we can't know what's gone on in your marriage to lead you to your present situation. I rarely condone cheating, but I certainly recognize the desperation that led you to it. I cannot believe your husband wouldn't even give you a hug when you asked. I know couples grow apart, but you can't have been together much more than ten years or so. That far apart that quickly?
The first thing you need to do is decide whether your marriage can be fixed. I don't know if that involves counselling or what. If your husband sees himself as a great guy, then you haven't gotten through to him on your own. And maybe he can't change or doesn't value the marriage enough to try. You need to find that out.
A truly courageous decision is to leave when there's no one else to go to. Personally I think that should be the litmus test.
As for the other guy, we can't know what going on -- whether he's chasing an affair with someone else or whether his wife scared him. To be blunt, he's already cheated on his wife once -- you can't count on him to be honourable or forthright with you. Under the circumstances I can't really see how talking to him is helpful, although not being in your shoes I can't understand the value of the ego boost you're getting.
You're right, of course, that you have to square yourself with God. In the meantime, you owe it to yourself to take care of you, your kids, and to figure things out with your husband. I wish you ever success, and hope you can come to a peaceful place.
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