A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello.I have recently met a lovely guy who is so nice, good looking and charming. We dated for a couple of months and have been going out for a month now. Everything is really good between us: except one thing. He is trying to maintain a friendship with his ex who he was with for 6 years and split up with in July. Although he is completely over her (and I trust this) I feel stupidly threatened by their relationship and upset when he doesn't understand my point of view about why I'm uncomfortable with them attempting to maintain a friendship - I'm not asking him to ignore her/ditch her AT ALL, I was just like some understanding I suppose. I have spoken about this to him so many times and I'm so frightened it's going to drive us apart but my insecurities keep getting the better of me and I guess I'm trying to work out how I can keep this amazing guy interested in me when his ex is really pretty, he obviously loved her a lot and all that. (They parted mutually) My insecurities are driving me insane and I don't want them to spoil everything between us but I can't seem to stop it. How on earth do I stop myself feeling so insecure all the time?I think my insecurities come from a quite negative relationship with my mum growing up and my dad moving out. I wasn't a child when it happened but we were very very close. I suffer slightly from depression, I have self harmed in the past over my self image and I have also gone through the misery of a termination. Maybe it's me with the problems but I adore this guy and want to fix my insecurities. I really really do.......
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female
reader, mischieviousangel916  +, writes (18 March 2010):
Set some boundaries. It seems to me he's hanging on to her. I suggest that you explain your thoughts and feelings about this situation. If there's no kid, there should be no ex.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): I, too, can relate to this. My boyfriend is not only friends with his ex, but continued to live with her for years after they split up, also becoming close friends with her new partner. Though the three of them no longer live in the same house, there is a great deal of codependence in the relationship still: she will ask him to come over and perform simple tasks, like changing a lightbulb or putting up a light pictureframe, and he never says no. While I trust his fidelity completely, there is an emotional quality to the relationship that I find odd, awkward and worrying. When any two of the three in the triangle are together, I feel the weight of that history from which I am excluded. Sometimes it takes every fibre of rationality I have not to freak out. So I am writing this advice in the spirit of someone who does not have it all figured out, who is far from secure, but who knows what you're going through, and how difficult it is.
First of all, recognize that the fears that you have are not unreasonable. Your boyfriend and his ex were together for a long time. While it would be wrong to forbid him to see her, it is by no means wrong for you to feel slightly awkward about their friendship. The important thing is that you talk to your partner about this, and explain that, while you don't want to restrict his behaviour in any way or interfere with the friendship, you may occasionally need reassurance. If it helps you, I don't think there's anything wrong with setting some ground rules: for instance, he can tell you when he is going to see her, and make sure that you are included in any plans they make together. The main thing is that he needs to understand that being completely open about this is the only way forward. My ex tried to conceal his behaviour in a misguided attempt to make me feel more secure while not upsetting the friendship with his ex, and it actually did far more harm than if he'd just been honest with me. Trust is important in all relationships, but it's not the same thing as faith, which just exists. It has to be created, and carefully maintained. Transparency and communication are key to this.
Second of all, remember the story of Rebecca, the novel by Daphne du Maurier. At present, like Rebecca, you're living in the shadow of a former flame. You feel overshadowed and inadequate beside her. However, the key thing you're forgetting is the most important one: the relationship broke down, and the pair of them split up. Clearly, she was not perfect for him!! Try talking to your boyfriend more extensively about why his former relationship broke down. When I did this, what I found out about the behaviour of his ex gave me a huge amount of reassurance. I think we girls sometimes put each other on pedestals, as a way of beating ourselves up. 'She's so pretty, and so successful - how can I ever compare?' we ask ourselves, forgetting that even outwardly pretty, balanced and successful girls can be a nightmare behind closed doors.
Finally, while there are things your boyfriend can and should do to help you here, I do think that it's a positive thing that you're recognized that some of this insecurity is your own responsibility and needs to be dealt with. I suspect that, like me, you have significant self worth issues that need to be addressed. One thing I find helpful is to try to 'bracket' the way I feel about myself, and focus on the practicalities of the situation. I don't know about you, but lot of my panic comes from a fear of abandonment (I'm guessing that you may also suffer from this, with your dad having moved out). My thought process goes: 'I desperately love my boyfriend and I don't want to lose him - what if he's still in love with his ex? How would I cope?' This sends me into a spiral of self-doubt and increasing anxiety and insecurity. However, when I look at it as a practical situation, this calms me down. The new thought process goes: 'Things are going well with my boyfriend. He is with me, and not with his ex, so I must be doing something right. However, I recognize that ultimately I can't control his feelings. I have to trust him. And I have to trust myself and my own capacities. Even if the worst were to happen and he were to go back to her, I would handle it.'
So, to summarize: when you feel insecure, talk to your boyfriend and ask for reassurance! And don't beat yourself up for having those insecurities: they are normal and natural. But also remember that even in the very worst case scenario, you would cope. Trust him, but more importantly, trust yourself.
Good luck! Feel free to message me privately if you'd like to talk further.
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A
female
reader, choccychick +, writes (9 March 2010):
I really feel for you, i would be feeling exactly the same! im always a bit suspicious of friendships with exes, my boyfriends ex who he was supposedly just friends with asked him for sex shortly after we got togther! i would have a long think if this realationship was worth all the paranoia, because if shes not going away and he insists on being friends with her i worry it will really send your insane.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): I feel like I'm being unreasonable though, it's not like they're best friends or anything. They hardly see each other but do have the same group of friends so will obviously see each other.
I have spoken to him many times about all this and he did make it clear it up to me that I'm his priority, it's ME he wants, I'M his girlfriend but it feels like I need this reassurance to me.
I think the problem is with me and jealousy. :(
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 March 2010):
Personally I am always sceptical of those who remain friends with ex's. I don't know anyone yet who has been just 'friends' with an ex. I have a dreadful feeling that your difficult past and your depression is leading you to make bad choices. I suggest you talk to your boyfriend and see what he has to say about it. Then think some more
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Ah bless you. If hes the man for you and he understands you need a little TLC for the moment, he will "rest" his friendship with her, until you are a little happier about things between them. If he refuses and wont leave things, then you have to understand that you may not be as important to him as he is to you. And start protecting your heart against possible disappointment.
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