A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am currently 27 and living with my parents. I am doing it while I sort out my finances which are a mess (long story short, I took out a loan with my ex fiancé to help him clear his massive debts but he committed suicide shortly afterwards leaving the debt with me). I cannot afford to live on my own while I have these repayments, and they will take another 2 years to clear. The problem is, I feel like I'm stuck in limbo just now waiting to be able to get on with my life. I have as much of a social life as I can in my position (ie hardly any!), but I feel so down that I'm still living like a teenager while all my friends are moving into lovely houses and living as adults when I won't be able to think about that until I am almost 30. Don't get me wrong, my parents have been amazing and I am so grateful for what they have done and what I do have, but I suppose I just feel a bit left behind. It's also causing a problem on dates when I am asked why when I have a decent job I still live at home. I don't know if I have a question as such, but any advice on my situation would be much appreciated. Oh and I have already sold most things I have of value and my employer doesn't allow us to have second jobs either so practical ideas like that are out I'm afraid. Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Please accept my condolences.
You have a few choices that can help you out:
1) Find a different, higher paying job. Nobody says you are locked into your current job. It is a big world out there and you have services to offer, why not see what else is out there.
2) Try to find a way on the internet to make some extra money. Blog, write, learn to create a website and try to earn some money in that regard.
3) Look to save any way you can. Look at any expenses that you may have and ask yourself "Do I really need this?" There's bound to be a way to save a few dollars. Also if you going out to lunch every day learn to brown bag your food.
4) There's no stopping you from having a social life. There's plenty of free and low cost things to do: parks, coffee shops, libraries, and community events. Get yourself out there.
5) Ask your parents to pay off your bills and then pay them back. Their interest rate is bound to be less than whatever you are currently paying.
Don't be afraid to date. If a prospective date asks you why you still live at home, you can say you are saving for a house (which you are) or that you are helping your parents out. If you feel comfortable you can be direct. The truth of it is, that it shows you are a reliable woman and committed.
Remember, the dating world is TOUGH. Not every date is going to be perfect and what you may be seeing as rejection because of your finances could be as simple as a guy figuring you aren't a good match.
I hope things start to look up for you and you also take this time to focus on improving yourself. Find an outlet like exercise or reading books to bolster your self-esteem.
Trust me, better days are ahead.
Eddie
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 February 2013):
 " I'm still living like a teenager while all my friends are moving into lovely houses and living as adults"
You're not living like a teenager. You've gone thorugh something terrible, and that is how you live.. as a person who is dealing, and actually coping, with something that would break most others. Those friends who move into lovely houses don't have to deal with what you've got on your plate. And if you hadn't gone through what you went through, you might have been living on your own as well. But you've gotten a very different route in life, one that is much harder, and demands a lot of sacrifices.
Growing bitter and jealous at others who have it all, and apparently no worries in life... well, such thoughts are fruitless. There will come a time when they too will experience hardships, and when they too will feel down, and when they too will experience loss. They will have their time to grieve, to be alone, to struggle and fight.
Right now you are going through your hardship, and it is not the hardships of a teenager. A teenager lives in a protected world most of the time, unable to take up loans, and they rarely have been engaged already, and luckily.. few have experienced a close one committ suicide.
You are living the life of an adult. You are dealing with adult matters.
"my employer doesn't allow us to have second jobs"
Could you change jobs? To one where you can have two jobs? What has the bank said? After all, if half the loan was in your fiancees name, and you were not yet married, then the loan in its entirity should not fall on your shoulders alone. Talk to the bank.
And you need to find a therapist to help you deal with this, and help you deal with all the thoughts. All the thoughts alone will wear you down, and make you incapable of working, incapable of handling the debt, incapable of handling the sorrow. You need to prioritize yourself in all of this, and do what is needed for you to live through this.
Find your way out of this dept. And then never do this again, never take on the responsibility of someone elses debt, or financial problems. I've heard several stories like yours, where a girl will take up a loan for a boyfriend, and then in some cases he leaves her to be with a mistress, or a new girl, and she is left with the debt because it is all in her name now. You have to never enter into such a situation again, promise yourself this. You will enter relationships again, and you will find love again. In time. But you will never end up in this situation again. Look forward and see that one day you too will move into a lovely home of your own... Just take one step at the time and you will get there.
You are blessed to have parents you can live with. Remember that you have many great things in your life, many treasures. Perhaps you have more family, other family members who you could live with, if you aren't comfortable living with your parents. And later on, you'll be able to rent a small place before you end up buying your own place.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 February 2013):
 I'm so sorry for your loss. I do not consider the man an EX fiance so much as a former... he was your fiance when he committed suicide.... and ex would imply to me that he had you take out the loan, left you and then committed suicide...
it's a small thing but to some people that would matter....
He had to be in so much pain to do that... sadly folks can't see how it hurts the survivors....
As for your loan... can you renegotiate the terms?
Can you afford to get an apartment with a roommate?
When on a date and you are asked why you have to live at home now you can honestly say... "i incurred some debt to help someone who has passed away and it's in my best interest to stay at my parents while I get that debt paid off"
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (1 February 2013):
 Hi
That must have been a massive loan and so awful to go through losing your fiancee like you did.
Is there any way you can reduce the payments so you get out more,or even move out, if you have a good job then I am assuming your paying back a large amount of your income toward the loan. Have you asked?
If your parents weren't able to help you would be living elsewhere now and paying expenses.
As for explaining why you live at home still,just tell people the truth. After all it wasn't your debt and anyone with an ounce of compassion would empathise with your situation.
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