A
female
age
41-50,
*ngela119
writes:Hi i'm 32 year old wife and a mom with a kid of 3 years old .I'm feeling confused and trapped with a dilemma all because of my mistakes.Almost 3 months before I met a nice and good looking girls who's 23 years at the gym. We had the same gym instructor. Anyways we started talking and got on with each other very well. Our ideas and opinions were almost the same so i liked her very much and always i was looking forward to have a chat with her after the gym. After about 3 weeks later getting to know each other we decided to cook dinner together at her place. She's the one came up with the idea and i liked it because it would be fun.So that day i went to her place and after everything we had girl on girl sex. It was like she talked me into it but I loved it and it was my first time with a girl. I never knew she was a lesbian.I never felt guilty even though I'm married cause it was a girl. After that incident i have been having sex with her at least once a week. This didn't not affect my marriage life at all. Everything was good until yesterday.She called me and said she's missing me and asked me to come over. Even though i couldn't make it at once cause of the kid I went in the evening after my husband came home. I went to her place and found out she had a visitor who was a guy and she introduced to me. After talking for a little while she told me that she had told about us to him and i was shocked, speechless, embarrassed. She said not to worry he's all cool. I didn't say much after that. While we were talking she started to rub my knee and move her hand up my leg in front of the guy. I was feeling shy and turned on at the same time. Suddenly she started to make out with me i just let her do cause i wanted it and then she proposed let the guy join us. I didn't like it first but then after i was aroused I was ok with it and ended up having sex with that guy. Soon after i was done i came home and I feel so guilty now. I never wanted to do that but at the same time i don't want to stop having a good time with her. Sometimes i just aroused for the fact that i had a threesome. I don't know what to do. I just wanted to tell this and get some suggestions. I hope your answers would be really helpful. Thanks
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lesbian, shy, threesome, trapped Reply to this Question
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male
reader, gigantor  +, writes (30 December 2016):
I hope you used a condom with this guy? You need to be very careful with this arrangement. Make sure all your tracks are covered and that you're being safe.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): This threesome was no accident. That was their plan all along. The 'visitor' is her boyfriend or at least a friend with benefits. Your lesbian encounters were merely a prelude. They were on the hunt long before they met you.In fact this is, literally, textbook strategy for couples seeking threesomes. The idea is for the female half of the relationship to seduce another woman then gradually introduce the man. Most women can easily spot and prepare for a man's pursuit, but often don't recognize a woman's. If they do, they feel safer and are therefore less cautiousI'm not suggesting this couple was trying to take advantage of you or means you any harm, only that subsequent events were not as random or spontaneous as you think. You were led into temptation and instead of resisting, you succumbed. That was your decisionWhether or not you tell your husband is another decision you'll have to make. However at the very least I would consider cutting ties with this friend, lest you be led astray again. If you're locked into a contract then change your workout schedule. What you got from all this was pleasure, not happiness. On the contrary, you're less happy than you were before. Now you have guilt and stress to taint your fond memories
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A
female
reader, Onieros +, writes (27 August 2011):
After sleeping on it I wanted to add something else. Cheating, for you, is defined by your husband. IE, if HE thinks its ok for you to be with another woman, its not cheating. It also cuts the other way, IE you don't feel he's cheating on you if he's with another guy. However, no matter how you two choose to define the limits of you marriage, without talking about it to him, with out finding out what he's ok or not ok with, another sexual relationship is cheating by default in our culture. The idea that its ok because its with another woman is demeaning to other same sex couples. You are saying that their relationships do not have the same validity as your relationship with your husband. You need to stop lying to yourself and face the line that you crossed before the third got involved. Clearly, the other woman got the message that you were ok cheating on your husband, and as a bisexual (not lesbian) woman who was enjoying time with another apparently bisexual woman (you) she thought you would enjoy a threesome. To be fair, she had you pegged. You need to talk with your husband, maybe not directly about this (I stand by working that out with a councilor first and figuring out whats going on in your head/body) but you do need to start talking to him about sex, expectations, limits, and be open to him that you have some attraction to women. If he totally freaks out, that helps you understand how he's going to feel about what you've done, but if he doesn't, well, that helps you as well doesn't it? You're also going to have to be open to some surprises from him. Maybe he's not as content as you think he is either. http://www.binetusa.org/ is a good resource if you feel you need one.
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A
male
reader, PrinceCharming +, writes (27 August 2011):
offer a three some with your husband and the girl . Chances are he will forgive you haha and get rid of that other visitor bum its for your own good.
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A
female
reader, Onieros +, writes (27 August 2011):
wow. People are really fracking judgmental. There's some good snippets, IE, you need to get yourself tested for STD's and make sure you're not bringing something home to the hubby. Since you don't know whats going on with yourself, I would suggest that you call it off with the girlfriend until you can get some clarity. Also, do some self-examination and some examination of your marriage. No one will be able to know better than you whether or not telling your husband will destroy your marriage, but a councilor that you can trust and connect should be an honest sounding board for you. There are those who advocate telling your husband, and those who advocate not telling him. This is where the councilor and your own understanding of the man comes in. In the worst case, telling him will end your marriage and so you'll have to cut it off (even the friendship) with the girlfriend and carry the secret to your grave or you need to end the marriage, but never tell him about this. In the best case scenario, your hubby will (a) feel betrayed but (b) find it really hot and want to get in on the threesome action. (Or maybe he's a cuckold kinkster.) More than likely its somewhere in between. Still, this relationship has been a dishonest one, so it is safe to assume that to continue it would also be dishonest, and dishonesty is bad for marriages. So my advice is to cut it off with the girlfriend until you get yourself and your marriage sorted out.
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A
female
reader, lilgirly  +, writes (26 August 2011):
 you made up your bed..now lie in it..
you don't deserve a husband,or a child.
if you ever get cheated on you'll understand the shame and sorrow you have risked to put those you supposedly love just for a little MEANINGLESS,good time..
the least you can do is be a little fair to your husband,and tell him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): There's some bad advice here. I think it's incredibly unlikely your husband will understand. Don't go to him (yet).
As others have said, you need to see a counselor. You need to figure out why you've done this and why you don't seem to think it's a problem. As you learn more about yourself and why you're acting and thinking that way, then you can decide what you should do about your marriage.
You have created a real mess and no outcome is going to be clear or easy now.
Stop seeing this woman and see a counsellor. If you don't want to do that, then end your marriage and spare your husband.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): What you need to do is first end this little fun thing you have going on.you are feeling guilty because you committed adultery. You have a family, and instead of focusing on the needs of your child and husband, you gave in to your desires and committed a sin.
So you have a choice,
A. Continue having sex with the girl ( who is using you by the way) and not tell your husband.
B. Go to your husband, confess. Tell him you had a threesome. hopes he forgives you and risk the chance he might leave you.
or choose
C.
Cut contact with this girl and vow never to cheat again. Go to church and ask for forgiveness for your sin. Sit down and talk to your husband. Tell him that you might be interested in woman.
If you want to spice up your sex life, there are many ways you can do it and include your husband in it too. I'm sure he will enjoy that.
I don't think you should tell your husband for the simple fact that this will hurt him deeply, and this is unforgivable and it could leave a 3 years old in a broken family all due to your selfishness.
Please pray about this. Only God can forgive you. Until then, you need to sit down and look at yourself and why you did these things.
We all make mistakes.
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (25 August 2011):
You're lying to yourself if you think you don't know what to do...
Obviously, you want more, in a sexually speaking manner, than you get with your husband. That's not unusual, lots of people (meaning almost all) want more than one partner. It's how we act on those desires, the decisions we make that determine wqhat kind of people we are.
You engaged in a sexual relationship with someone who is not your partner. Repeatedly, deliberately, with forethought and planning. If you can, after knowing that still say that you don't know what you want, you're completely delusional. You want to have more than one partner.
What you don't want, is the risk that your husband will judge you and feel differently about you if he knew. Thus, you lie and hide the truth.
You have no respect for him as a human being, did you know that? You may think you do, but the truth is, respect is proven through action.
You have exposed your husband to the risk of sexually transmitted infection without getting his consent or even asking his opinion! You also manipulate your husband's access to the truth about who you are, and the decisions you make, so that, through that manipulation, you can keep his devotion and support, emotionally if not financially. This man that is married to you is not your life partner - he's your possession. You just haven't let him know that yet.
If you want to salvage some shred of human dignity from this, you will start by telling him. Then, if you want to continue the affair with her, you either get his ok, or leave him.Quit treating this poor delusional bastard like an emotional slave who exists only for your gratification, and let him make his decisions based on the truth of who he is married to.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (25 August 2011):
It is natural that you would want to talk about things when you aren't sure what you want to do, and you feel guilty about something or are confused about something you are going through.
You have put yourself in a situation where there are no simple outcomes. You are going to have to make some difficult choices due to some of the choices that you have already made, and the feelings you are feeling as a result. The best thing you can do is to put yourself in a situation where you can learn more about your feelings, clear some of the confusion, and help you to make good choices based on your current situation. Often people will go to a counsellor, which is a way of creating a situation which allows you to think clearly and come up with the best solution for you. There are other ways to do this but counselling is probably the most effective to deal with these kinds of relational and emotional issues.
Alternatively, you can simply set aside some time for yourself to think about how you really feel about some of the issues that have come up as a result of your actions. Some questions to think about could include:
Am I happy with my husband and the kind of relationship I have with him?
Do I think girl on girl sex is cheating, and would my husband think girl on girl sex is cheating?
What will happen if I tell my husband?
What will happen if I don't tell my husband?
What is the best way to deal with negative feelings, feelings of guilt, and feeling bad about myself?
What kind of life do I want to create for myself, and are my choices helping me create that life?
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (25 August 2011):
 not sure what your question is! are you asking what you should do about your marriage? your friend? what?this girl doesn't have any particular feelings for you, you are just a toy, she set up a threesome unbeknown to you and then just sprang the idea on your when you got to her house. who is the guy? her boyfriend? maybe it was at his request that she struck up a friendship with you in the first place - to provide them with 'threesome fodder'so if you are thinking of jeopardising your marriage and family life for the sake of these two, i wouldn't bother. enjoy your memories, the more involved you get with your sex-buddies the more chance there is of hubby finding out and your life with him and your little one ending up in emotional tatters. however if you are really not happy with your husband anyway either do something to remedy that or leave him and both get on with your lives. don't sneak around, its not nice! like i say though, i didn't find your question very clearx
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (25 August 2011):
 If you had unprotected sex with this random guy then get tested for STDs, especially HIV. If your moral compass is still intact then you'll share the results with your unsuspecting victim (i.e. your husband).
The other aunts have covered the moral angle quite well. If you can believe that this infidelity does not affect your marriage you are at best a selfish narcissist and at worst you are setting up your child for a life of misery and abuse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): You are cheating, you know it, and you are cheating with more than one person, on your husband, and you are destroying your family.Get a counselor and figure out why you'd throw away your marriage, your child's family, and all for a quick fuck."This didn't not affect my marriage life at all."Yes it did, you just are so enthralled in your affair that you can't see it.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (24 August 2011):
 You cheated. You gave yourself sexually to another person outside of your marriage. Male or female does not matter.
If your husband knows about this arrangment and you have an open relationship-fine. If you have kept this secret-of course it has not affected your marriage! Your husband does not know.
If he knew, how do you think he would react?
You were tempted and you gave in. If you had unprotected sex, please get tested before having unprotected sex with your husband.
Stop fooling around with other people or get out of your marriage if it is not meeting your sexual needs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): Stop making a fool of your hb. Whether u are f*cking around with another woman or now an additional man makes no difference to your cheating ways.I cannot believe you abandone your kid so that u can F around behind your hbs back. Hey you even make him babysit for u while u run around.If u just cannot sew your legs together get the hell out of your marriage. U have proven u are unfaithful and u have no respect for your hb.Who gets the kid in the divorce? Im hoping your hb fights for custody. U have no sense of right vs wrong and this will only prove as a disaster to your innocent one.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011): you felt no guilt for cheating because its a girl? are you brain dead or just that awful of a person? knock it off and be a respectable person, wife, and mother.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 August 2011):
 You are cheating on your husband whether you are having sex with a man or a woman. If you aren't willing to face the repercussion from cheating then knock this nonsense off immediately. But if you are willing to ruin your marriage then by all means carry on. There is no pill for selfish poor judgment. And get yourself tested for STD's for crying out loud.
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A
female
reader, skibri +, writes (24 August 2011):
 Dear Angela119,I think you should sit down with your husband and explain what happend. Chances are your husband will understand.As for no wanting to stop seeing the other girl then you need to think. Do you wish to stay with your husband? He may be okay with you seeing them both but he probably won't and then you need to make a decision. Don't rush it because you don't want to end up regretting your decision.I think you should stay with your husband because if you love him then he should mean more to you than sex with the other girl. Hope all goes well -x-x-x-x-
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 August 2011):
 I am sure sex with others would feel nice too but I know it won't end well with my boyfriend. The initial excitement is not worth breaking your husband's heart, it's not worth tearing your family apart. It's a different story if your husband is the alternative type but here it seems like he expects loyalty and honesty. Just the fact that you are hiding this from your husband, whether it's just with the girl, or with both of them, makes it cheating. Telling no to this girl is easier than you think. Just say, "Sorry I am devoted to my husband, but nice meeting you." The thing you will learn here is that it's impossible to be attracted to your spouse only and no one else, but we elect monogamy because it makes life smoother and drama free.
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