A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. We have just recently moved out of town and are living together for the first time. About a year and a half ago i was raped by someone who was a coworker and someone who i thought was a friend. Long story short... the guy who raped me told everyone that i was the one who wanted it and was the one chasing after him, he told all his friends that i was a dirty slut (did i mention he has done this to countless other girls but none have ever done anything about it)i told the police and has been a topic of everyones conversation since then my boyfriend and i have been getting harassed by this guys friends it got so bad that we moved out of our hometown to a new city to start new but this has not stopped the harassment. Since this has happened our relationship has been going downhill. He gets angry with me everytime it pops into his head. He calls me numerous hurtful names like dirty slut and whore (even though he is the only person ive ever been with and my first boyfriend)I dont like to talk about what happened to me and he brings it up constantly and always blaming me for it. He's never disrespected me before and treated me very good but since that happened the verbal abuse has gotten really bad and a couple times has raised his hand to me. He apologizes almost immediately after and promises never to do it again but always does...i have tried to speak to him about it numerous times and everytime i get shut down and get told that this is my fault. I have thought about ending the relationship but since we have moved with each other to a new city we only have each other and know no one else. Neither one of us wants to move back home especially since we both have got great jobs here. Individually we do not make enough to each get our own apartment and live on our own. He depends on my car for work and i cannot afford to pay for an apt and my car payment. I feel trapped and out of options. I just dont know what to do anymore and i feel like my situation cannot be resolved... any advice would really help at this point.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): Whilst you must understand that your experiences obviously would have affected your boyfriend, there is no excuse for his behaviour. To blame you for something which is not your fault and further to abuse you for it is apalling. If you don't want to give up your job it might be worth looking for shared accomodation - a roommate. Someone from work, or someone advertising in local papers or classified websites might have a spare room for you to rent if you can't afford to live on your own. There are other options - there is no excuse to stay with this man. You might love him, but for your own good you have to take the plunge before you end up in hospital or worse. There are plenty of charities out there to help people living with abuse. I urge you to seek help from them.Good Luck x
A
male
reader, Mat_auw  +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Dear Anonymous,Thank you for your email. I would admit that your situation is a rather complicated one. Although you've tried your best to explain your situation in detail I'm still not sure if there's enough information in it for me to provide advice specific enough to your situation but I'd try...To summarize your story, you are continuing to pay the price for doing what is right. This world is unfortunately an entirely imbalanced place where people who bring their wrongdoers to justice continue to suffer even more rather than enjoy the peace they deserve to have.The first thing I need you to do is to never look back at the decision to report the criminal who raped you. Whenever you feel inside that perhaps it would have been better to keep it quiet so that your relationship would not have to break down like this, remember that you reported that rapist for your own sake, and more importantly, for all the women before you who suffered in silence instead. You are a woman of courage and must never forget that.The second thing I need you to do is to remember that you deserve to be respected and that your partner especially has a duty to love and respect you. He seems to be holding you emotionally hostage by blaming you for all the sacrifices that the two of you had to make in order to get away from the harassment. Yet, despite the efforts to start a new life, the two of you continue to be harassed, and he gets frustrated and takes it out on you whenever his emotions bottle up to a certain level. That is not fair to you and is not loving. He must realise this and learn that as a couple you must go through your trials together no matter "who started it". By living together the two of you have moved one step closer to committing yourselves to a lifetime together and must learn to live with each other respectfully. Given your financial situations, all the more it seems that the only choice the two of you have is to work things out somehow and put the past behind you.If he still loves you, he will listen. So the third thing I need you to do is to think of the best way to get the above things we've discussed across to him. It may not be through talking since he always gets too roused up before you can even finish saying your mind. How about writing a letter and attaching it to a gift for him, or emailing him instead? It may seem awkward if you've never had to communicate this way, but if it's the only way left, what's there to lose? Re-affirm your love for him and tell him that you deserve his respect and love, and if so, the beating and insults need to stop. You cannot and should not be the continued object of his blame if the two of you are to create a future together. If he has problems controlling his anger, he may need to seek professional help.My best wishes for you. Weather this storm, and your relationship will emerge stronger, surer and more stable.
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