A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having a big problem that has to do with trust. I discovered in March that my husband had an emotional affair for the 3rd time in 13 years of marriage. We separated briefly (2 months) and then reconciled. I agreed to recon mainly for the childrens sake and also because he was remorseful and showed commitment to work on marriage. I must say, I regret the decision I made to reconcile because I now feel I was not ready yet. I am also having difficulty trusting him ever again. I demanded that he cuts all contact with the girl but I have discovered twice after the recon that he is still in touch, latest being today. I have not confronted him about this and I don't think I will because I will be accused of invasion of privacy. When we discussed the no contact issue, he stated that it would be difficult to cut off contact completely because the girl was helping him with some business deals,blah blah,. I did not accept that and told him to find other ways of conducting his business deals. Today I discovered that 2 phone calls to the girl were made while I was away for the weekend with the kids. One call was made in the evening at 9:56pm and the other the following day at noon. I find it difficult to believe that a call made so late in the evening would be business related.I also discovered that the girl apparently did not answer both calls and makes me wonder if its my hubby now pursuing the girl or what.The bottom line is based on what has happened and still happening right now, I find it difficult to trust my husband and I don't think I ever will. I also don't want to spend the rest of my life constantly checking on him due of lack of trust.I have tried my best to put the effort to make it work, but the problem is that it is one sided.THings are no longer the same in the relationship and my feelings for my hubby have somehow changed after all what has happened in the past. I feel my husband wanted the recon mainly for convinience than love. I have made decision in my mind that, it would be better for us to part ways but then there are kids involved which makes things complicated. As a result I now feel trapped in the marriage and have to pretend to be happy for the sake of peace. Please help advice on what I can do in this situation I have found myself in.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): Thanks a lot Mianna and everyone else for taking your time to offer support and advice. All I wish for is to have a permanent separation that is as amicable as possible, even though there is no guarantee for that. I will keep you posted of latest developments as weeks go by and will continue to seek further advice, should I need it. This is indeed agreat site and quite helpful. I hope to also help others who are going through similar situations as mine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): You're definitely justified to want to leave. He's not there for you or the kids and like you said yourself you've already tolerated enough. You two need to work out a custody battle that satisfies both the kids and you because you're the one raising them. If he's not putting any time into raising his kids, then he really doesn't deserve any time with them at all. But you need a break sometimes. So once you talk about divorce, find a way for everyone to be satisfied when it comes to the kids. He'll suffer later for not spending time with his kids so try not to feel bad.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): I'm the original poster. @Sunset texas, the 1st and 2nd emotional affairs were both with co-workers from different departments. First one happened 3 years after we got married and second one 6 years after the first one. During the 1st EA, I decided to stay because I believed he would never do it again and he gave that promise bacause I threatened to leave if it ever happened again. SUrprisingly here I am still with hubby. During the 2nd one, he flatly denied there was anything going on even though there was evidence of something going on and even had pictures of the other woman on his cellphone. The OW also denied when I confronted her and told me hubby was just his confidant and they were very close friends. I was actually made to apologize to the OW by hubby because I was told she threatened to report him to superiors at work. Looking , back I now realise I was being played a fool by both of them. The third emotional affair had gone for a while before I discovered it (almost 11 months). When I discovered this one, I made a decision that I will not tolerate this behavouir anymore from my hubby, I don't want to be anybody's doormat anymore. So, to answer your other question, if it were not for the children's sake, there are no other considerations really. My fear is mainly on the impact this would have on the children if we separate permanently.
@MIanna711, I did feel emotionally detached over the years,esp during the past 4 years. I indicated now and again to hubby that I feel we are slowly drifting apart until it got worse. From last year onwards things got worse, I felt totally neglected together with the children. I spent most of the time during weekdays alone with the children and even during weekends because he did not have time for us.Sometimes during the past 4 years, he would come home very late in the evening and find us already asleep. The reason for the late coming was because he was attending to his business-related issues. I began suspecting mid last year that something was not right. He completely changed his behavoiur and became secretive with his phone. In, short, I still feel emotionally detached to him and my feelings for him are no longer the same. My love for him is not the same as it was during the first few years of our marriage. I guess, it got eroded as the years went by as he kept emotionally attaching himself to other women.As of this moment, I care for him as the father to my children, nothing further than that. I feel like I never really knew my hubby, he has turned to a completely diffrent person from the man I knew before we got married, during the 2 years of courting.
MY concern with all of this now is the fact I have made my mind about leaving but I don't know how to do that without hurting the kids because they are attached to thier father, especially the youngest but both of them are more attched to me due to the fact that they spend most of their time with me. I always take them out and sometimes we do weekends away without him because daddy is always busy, he just has no time for his family. Even after pleading with him to at least schedule quality time to spend with me and the kids, at least during weekends, he is always busy as usual.MY elder son even made a comment about it one time and said "it would have been nice to have daddy with us here but then he is always busy", that comment really made me sad. MY question now is, after all that has happened during these past 13 years,do you think I am justified to want to leave my hubby or do you think I am just over reacting?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): This is the first anonymous poster. I think that there's a possibility that this could be his problem but if it was he would've told you how he felt...that's what husbands do. Did you ever start to feel emotionally detached or was it just him? And when was the first time this happened?
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A
female
reader, Sunset_texas  +, writes (6 July 2011):
I actually have a question for you - why would you have decided to stayed when he was cheating at 1st and 2nd times (noticed you are saying this is 3rd time in 13 yrs marriage)?
Beasides children sake, any other considerations?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): Im the original poster again. I would say both cases apply, kind of old school. The sad thing is that he pretends he is fine with evrything, yet deep down he is not. When I got the job offer, he seemed happy about it and I only discovered over the years, when he made hurtful remarks about lots of things, that that wasn't the case.And I end up getting very hurt from his harsh words. Do you think this has contributed to him having the affairs? Even that being the case, I don't believe going out and having affairs solves any problems in a mariage but instead destroys it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): This is the first anonymous poster. So has he always had the mindset that men are and should be the breadwinners? Or is he just mad because that isn't the case in your relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): Thanks again anonymous poster for responding. I could say he has expressed some sort of displeasure not for my working full time though but for the professional position I hold, because it makes me earn higher than he does. For instance, during one heated conversation after discovering the emotional affair, he told me he was upset I had to go as far as showing the whole world that I am kind of superior in the family by buying a big car. I bought an SUV last year after consulting with him. So, it really shocked me when he made that statement because I thought he was cool with me buying that car,we even went together to view and test drive it and he said he loved it as well.At some point, he sounded like he had some sort of inferiority complex. I also agree with you that if there is no effort to fix the marraige, then it can't be fixed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): This is the first anonymous poster.Do you think he's seeing the other woman because you work full time? Has he ever expressed displeasure about it? You should ask him about it. If he's not making any effort to fix your marriage then it just can't be fixed and you've been waiting for him to change for too long.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): I'm the original poster, and thanks so much to everyone for taking your time to respond. After reading your responses, I must say it has made a difference. Sunset Texas has raised a point about the other lady not aware of reconciliation, and I think there might be a possibility to that. By the way, when I confronted the girl, she did mention that she was not aware that my husband is married with 2 children and that really shocked me. I guess the reason she thought so is because my husband took off his wedding band last year and up to today does not have it on his fingure.
@Chickpea2011, thanks for your advice and sweet words. However, I want to share with you that things looked promising for the first 2 weeks of the recon but thereafter things changed. I tried though to put even much effort in the marriage, even made suggestions to my hubby for improving, including marriage counselling to which he is totally oppossed and also made suggestions on what we could do to reconnect(spend quality time, date nights, weekends away, etc)but he did not seem keen on doing all that but devoted his spare time to his business. I have also been reading the book titled '5 love languages' and I asked hubby to read as well since it provided valuable insights but he is not keen to read, so it didn't work. So, right now I feel like the effort has been one sided, like I'm banging myself against a wall. I have run out of energy to put the much needed effort. I still believe marriage counseling would help us, pity my hubby does not want to do that at all. I have been thinking that maybe another separation, but a longer one this time other than rushing the recon, would probably help, please advice. For me, this is the last attempt at salvaging this marriage, I have truly run out of energy.
A bit background info. I am working full time, have a professional job, so I am a very independent woman. We have 2 boys aged 12 and 5. Hubby is working on a temporary basis whilst at the same time trying to run a business that unfortunately is fiancially draining at the moment. That is why I said in my previous post, I think for him its all about convinience, hence the recon.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Hi,
I know exactly how you feel and you have all the rights in the wrold to feel this way. You haven't done anything wrong.. And this is really unfair...
I've been w/my bestfriend/partner for 10 years. Last aug 2010 discovered that he was seeing a female? It had been 11 mos and its a nightmare. I really don't care what happened, but its more betrayal... I would have been ok to let him go if he was honest with me. And NO, during the 10 years I was more in love, caring, always did my best for him, never nagged, always kept myself together well, didn't gain weight, so NO it was NOT my fault..
Anyways, just want to share my story, so Yes I really feel your pain..
You mentioned that this is the 3rd affair during the past 13 years of marriage? Before you make any decision, I believe your marriage deserve a 2nd chance. For you and your children. If I were you, I would find the right time and make sure he's in a good mood to have a serious, friendly talk. I know its difficult to be rational at a time like this, but you have to. Being apart didn't fix your problems. The best way is to face the truth.. We both know that your husband is not being honest with you! Business friend? Common, what's so important to have to talk late at night, mid morning? Weekends?
Don't be aggressive or start accusing him of anything. Talk to him the way you are talking to us.. You wrote your question very well, point your issues, how you feel, so just talk to him... Something is missing in your marriage, I am not saying its your fault or that something is wrong with you. I am sure you are a beautiful, smart woman (by reading your story I can tell) also, I am sure you are a great mommy...
My point is, this is the 3rd time, taking time away didn't fix your issues. Have a honest talk and try to make this marriage better than before..
You don't deserve this pain, don't deserve to feel insecure, checking up your husband often. Its not right, its not fair to you to live this way.
I believe in 2nd chances, I believe people make mistakes, after 13 years, if you both still love each other, I know for sure that you both can overcome these issues and become better partners in life. Remember, this is not about this girl, what she looks like, who's better. Doenst matter. This is about you and your husband and your lives together.
Be strong, I hope you feel better soon and I really hope you stay together. Although he did have affairs before, he never left you! Because he still loves you, right? Talk to him..
Good luck friend!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): Thank you so much anonymous for answering. You have truly been of help.
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female
reader, Sunset_texas +, writes (4 July 2011):
Hi friend,
A question for you - if there is no child involved, will you accept to try be reconciled?
Most likly your husband may still be seeing the other woman. And possibly, the other woman may be unaware that you said reconciled. In the end, it's all about your husband's best interests to be satisfed.
This is another story from the opposite side. The husband basically told the girl that he doesnt love his wife any more but her, and they are separated, even still married but they don't live together, there is no sex with wife. The reason of not getting divorce is to protect his 'properties' because divorce is very difficult and he would lose half o his properties and retirement account. The girl trusted him till she found out their families pictures on FB, and discovered that he actually has been 'married' all times except in front of her (she never saw him wearing wedding band and believed he is separated).
So, if you do 'believe', and still believe that your husband is a decent man, tell him your doubts and questions, otherwise, walking away, as soon as you could, if he is still seeing another woman after you are aware of that, and accepted him again and agreed into reconciled, he will do it again to you, and you would never be relief but more hurt, and more pain.
It's sooner, or later...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): Without trust, you can't expect to have a good marriage and since it's obvious you can't, you should separate for good. If he can't connect with you emotionally, that's definitely a problem and a very good reason why you shouldn't stay together. Even though there are kids involved and you're trying to heep them happy, you deserve to be happy yourself and you're not. Find someone who loves you and can be themself with you. Your kids will know that just because you're not together doesn't mean that they're not loved or that this was their fault. Find someone to be happy with and it won't be with him. Hope I helped.
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