A
male
age
51-59,
*azznblues
writes:I'm a 34 y/o bi male. I became friends with "Jason" 4 yrs ago. At the time he was by all appearances happily married with 2 children. We gradually became closer and closer friends. He is 5 yrs younger than me, and is an absolute heartthrob. He's also a huge flirt. So when he initially started making little comments, I assumed it was just his flirty nature, and he was just having fun with me. Let me say that after yrs of struggle to accept my sexuality, I was just beginning to consider exploring my sexuality when he and I met, and was still totally closeted. As I said, Jason is a flirt. Combined with his good looks and outgoing personality, he is constantly being hit on by women. As we became closer and began confiding in each other, I learned that his marriage was not as solid as it appeared. He ultimately confided to me that he felt like he had been living a lie and didn't know if he had ever been truly in love with his wife. He was 17 when they married; she was 21. He also admitted to me that he had been seeing another woman for about a yr and felt like he was falling in love with her. I neither encouraged or discouraged his thoughts of seeking divorce. I was there as his best friend, and I simply advised him to follow his heart. Throughout all of this he and I were always flirting back and forth and I honestly thought it was just all in fun. But the flirting became more and more physical, and the comments became bolder and could really no longer be dismissed as "joking around". That's when I really began to consider the possibility that he might be bi. Now let me tell you. You look at this guy, and if you're gay, you automatically think "abercrombie fitch and way too pretty to be straight". I realize now that I was falling in love with him at the time. He did get a divorce. one evening he invited me to come over to his place and spend the night. This was fairly commonplace by that time, so I didn't really think much of it. We got into some really intense converation that night, along with a bottle of whiskey. Neither of us got drunk, but we were both slightly buzzed. So two guys and a bottle of good booze. What do we suppose the conversation turned to? Yep. Sex. We did the usual thing. He put an adult flick on and we talked about our sexual exploits. My alarm bells really started going off when he lit some candles and asked me if I would be more comfortable on the couch with him. We were being very open, and I was stunned when we he admitted that he's always been curious and had "experimented" before. I then admitted to him that I was pretty certain I'm at the very least bisexual if not just completely gay. We were both pretty buzzed by then, and we didn't act on our conversation. I asked him if I could wake him up the next morning any way I wanted, and he said "absolutely!". So the next morning I screwed my courage up and did just that. Use your imagination at this point. It was pretty fantastic even though he wasn't open to kissing(and hasn't been since). Afterwards when we were getting ready to leave, Jason said that he had "really enjoyed it" but that we just needed to "keep it recreational". Long story short? That was a year ago, and we've been together regularly since. I am absolutely head over heels in love with the guy. So what's the problem you ask? throughout all of this he has remained very distant emotionally in the bedroom, and insists that he's basically "straight but curious". He says he enjoys being intimate with me. I've been very open with him, and have admitted that I'm in love with him. He says that he loves me too, but in a different way. He has also continued to see his girlfriend and one week he's in love with her and the next week they're through. He also does some things that hurt me, and I think he does them intentionally to leave no doubt in my mind and his that he's "basically straight but curious". He will tell me about what a great time they had in bed the night before. But then there are times when he and I are together that he's looking into my eyes and the love and desire there is unmistakeable. But it's like he suddenly realizes he has let his guard down or something, and he'll come off with one of his comments about how well things are going between he and his girlfriend. He's like a light switch flipping on and off. Quite frankly I'm confused as can be right now. It's been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Any ideas? Can someone help me make sense of this? I'm obviously so involved that I can no longer look at it objectively. Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated. i apologize for the length, but felt it was neccessary to give the complete picture. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007): I decided to write a follow up to this because it may help someone in a similar situation. My relationship with Jason has continued. We continued to have ups and downs concerning the "emotional" aspect of our relationship. One decision I made after writing for advice, was to stop being the one who initiated intimacy. I told him that I loved him a lot but that my feelings for him were more than "recreational" and if that's all it was to him when we were together, then I was nothing more than a personal co** sucker. His initial reaction was that I was being drama queen. When he saw that I was serious, his attitude and actions began to change. He finally admitted to me that he felt more for me than just a physical attraction or simple friendship. I have stuck to my guns though, and I am never the one who initiates intimacy. I felt that if he wants an intimate relationship with me, it's important for him in coming to terms with his sexuality, that he be willing to admit his desires and feelings openly to me. He is still involved with the girfriend, but I simply told him that I didn't feel right about her not knowing about me. He has subsequently revealed to her that he is actively bisexual. As for the nuts and bolts of our relationship? Well, it has deepened into the strongest m2m relationship I've ever had. Our physical imtimacy isn't "recreational" anymore. It's intense, passionate and loving. On an emotional level, we are there for each other. Our conversations, no matter how casual, always end with "I love you". So I'm really satisfied with where things are at the moment. I'm not sure where his journey of self acceptance and discovery will ultimately end. He may be bisexual. Or the bisexuality may just be a transition period as his self acceptance catches up with his desires. Either way, it has turned into the most fullfilling relationship I've ever had. I admit it has been pretty harrowing experience being involved with him while he's been trying to overcome his denial, but I think the end result was well worth it. So...I guess this is a happy ending.
jazznblues
A
male
reader, jazznblues +, writes (10 July 2007):
jazznblues is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you TELLULAH for your advice. Very helpful.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (10 July 2007):
 Hi,
I have loads of gay male freinds so I will tell you what I think. This guy is very mixed up himself. Whilst you have been brave enough to admit your sexuality, and are willing to take whatever goes with this, your freind has not reached this point and maybe he never will. You are in love with a guy, (that unless he gives some of this back) is no good to you.
I can understand you are confused about him, but the guy may never come out, and you are wasting your life waiting. To be straight but curious, would mean that he hadnt tried yet. This is not the case as he has been with you for over a year, and is well aware of your feelings. This is cruel towards you, as he has made no comitment to your relationship. Basically you are a friend, with sex on the side. This man is not straight, he is BI with very little feelings for you or his girlfriend. Does she know about you, I would bet that she doesn't. He is in fact a liar to himself and everyone around him. Why do you think he wants to keep it quite, because he is embarassed.
I have every sympathy for anyone who has to tell there family and friends, that they are gay. Many will worry for no reason, and the family will be suportive. But some will suffer terrible. My mate has just had a sex change, so I know how all this feels.
But your mate is seeing two people and thats not fair, so I have no sympathy for him.
About you though...Move on and find someone that is not just using you as a crutch, when things are not right for him. You are not just a toy he can pick up and throw away when he has other plans.
Think more of yourself. He may be good looking and great in bed, but he doesnt sound very nice, to me.
Take care, and by the way, not all good looking men are gay. My boyfriend is lovely, he is handsome, and smart, he dresses nice and is very tidy and clean, and he mixes with all my gay male friends as well.
Come to think of it!!!! GULP XXX
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