A
female
age
30-35,
*lyciaohtwo
writes:I previously posted a question on here asking about the lack of passion/chemistry in my relationship and received amazing answers that I can honestly say saved my sanity because I was starting to go crazy.To make a long story short, I have been dating a man for 2 and a half years who is very kind, loving, attentive, supportive, understanding, and successful in his career (I am 22 he is 25). He says his only goal in life is to make me happy and he talks about growing old together. In all honesty, I wish he had never told me these things and instead focused more on making himself more developed and mature. Prior to this, I was in a relationship with an emotionally abusive individual for 3 years so this man was a god sent for me and helped me move on from my past relationship and realize I can be loved by someone.I appreciate this man immensely, but there are many things in the relationship that I simply cannot get over and I'm so torn about what to do. For one, it's been 2 years since I felt attracted to him. I don't particularly enjoy kissing him much less being more sexually intimate (I'm not repulsed by him, but I never look forward to kissing him/making love to him).He is quite anti social and doesn't like get togethers/parties or getting to know many people. He has 2-3 friends who are similar to himself and has never expressed interest to get to know more people. I am the opposite, I love mingling, I love meeting new people and going to parties. I have always imagined myself with a social person who can help me become even more social when I am feeling down, not the other way around. He is high strung/anxious- he can never (rarely) make me laugh or say anything witty/interesting. He complains about work and when he's not talking about work, he finds it hard to think of anything else to say. We don't share the same hobbies and interests. I am a huge fitness/nutrition fanatic and he pretends to like these things to make me happy but he is not truly interested in becoming very fit. He says "your hobbies are my hobbies, I like what you like". I feel like during the course of our relationship, I've been the one showing him these different sides of life and he doesn't have anything interesting to offer and I'm beginning to resent him for this and it makes me sad. I have brought a few of these things up in the past and he says a few loving sentences and glosses over them, in his words he ''hoped this would go away''. He avoids confrontation and conflict and just likes to go through the motions hoping problems go away. We went on a break (it was supposed to be 3 weeks) and I met an individual at work who I felt extremely attracted to. This man expressed interest in me and I told him that I was already in a relationship and he did not pursue it further. But every time I see this man I realize that I still am capable of feeling attraction and it makes me very sad that I don't feel it for my boyfriend. Of course I know that this man has traits that I probably don't approve of..and I wonder if attraction is something that never lasts? After 2 weeks, my boyfriend called and said he couldn't live without me and without asking me further where we stood (avoiding conflict) we decided to continue the relationship until last night. I question myself and wonder if this is how a healthy relationship should be like, since my last one was unhealthy I have nothing to go by. I know this man will make a loyal and supportive husband and father but imagining myself married to him doesn't tug at my heart's strings in any way but at the same time I'm terrified of living without him (I suffer from anxiety and over the years it has gotten so much worse).I broke up with him last night and it was excruciatingly painful for both of us. I began having panic attacks when I came home and couldn't sleep. I began imagining running into him with his family years down the line and felt like I was going to die. I am just so unhappy and feel so torn. At the same time, I know that if we continue this relationship, it will lead to marriage and I will look back and wonder 'what if' ..what if I had explored more, what if I had been intimate with someone I was attracted to, or taken the time to know myself, develop myself more... I just feel so torn and paralyzed and don't know where to go from here. I appreciate any and all answers immensely..
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (9 March 2014):
 Hi
I think you did the right thing ending it. You two are chalk and cheese, and the relationship was dysfunctional. This may have been adding to your general anxiety; the awareness that something wasn't right.
It will take time to heal, but as others have stated: do not contact him while you feel like this. That happened to me with an ex: dumped one night, got back together the next day because he felt pretty much as you do (I imagine) then dumped again a week later. Not nice for either of us.
Again, you made the right decision. If you struggle to differentiate what makes a healthy relationship versus a dysfunctional one (for example, if your own upbringing was affected by your parents' relationship) then it might be wise to consider some therapy at some point in the future, or at least do some reading.
All the best, you won't feel this bad forever, I promise. Take each day at a time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): It's the day after a break up, OP. There's literally no advice to give you at this stage but to stay strong, keep brushing your teeth, eating properly and get sleep with you're able.
It hasn't even had a chance to sink in yet, this is the initial stage of shock and despair.
Just stay out of contact with him completely and resist any urge to ease the pain by messaging him or anything, that's basically just like hitting a reset button on it.
You'll alternate between paralysed shock to feeling the crushing pain of your loss, you just have to tough it out while it fades.
OP you have weeks, even months to look forward to of your brain just thinking every single detail and situation over and over on repeat. Don't fight that, by all means distract yourself but allow your mind to process this its own way.
Oh and turn to your family and friends, cry as much as you need to and just talk it out.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (9 March 2014):
 It sounds as though a lot of fundamental things about this man would need to change for you to be happy and satisfied in a relationship with him. People don't typically just flip a switch and become "social" where before they were not, or go from couch potatoes to fitness junkies. And it's really hard to just grow a sense of humor overnight. Even if he were to work tirelessly at these things it might be months or years before he is just what you want in a significant other, assuming those changes could even take place at all.
Given the remote chance that he will be willing (or able) to change such a significant portion of his identity and personality, and given that the sexual chemistry (or lack thereof) that you feel with him is not something either of you can fully control, I think you did the right thing in leaving. Yes, he is in pain now, just as you are - but like you he is now free in the long run to find someone for whom he does not have to change himself or suppress his real personality. You both, I think, will be happier one day.
The kindest thing you can do for HIM now is to be decisive about the breakup. Don't contact him out of nostalgia, or to soothe your conscience, as that will only give him false hope that maybe you weren't actually serious when you said it was over, and cause him more pain in the meantime.
Be single for a while, and heal from this, as it sounds like you too are emotionally distressed by it. Enjoy your freedom and then, when you're ready, start exploring the aspects of life that this last relationship closed off to you. Hats off to you for being strong enough not to stay where you weren't truly happy just because it was habit to do so.
Good luck and best wishes.
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