A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, I am in a really difficult situation right now and would need some advice.I was seeing this man for over 3 years, we had quite a big argument which was kind of the last straw for him. In my opinion I was only bit sarcastic and his reaction disproportional. He just cut things off over email :(I went to his house to apologise and he literally threw me out and told me it was over. I have sent him email with apologies but he did not reply.I need your advice, what to do, I want him back. Please, no comments on how I should get over him, because I tried and I'm positive that I don't want to. All I want is to have him back.maybe someone was in a similar situation, or just has any relevant ideas? thank you for help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): I've realised how much he means to me, I don't want to give up because without him my life seems meaningless. I don't want to bombard him with my emails, but he didn't reply for even one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): It's been 4 months already, i try to email him every now and then but he does not reply. I don't know how much time to give him because i feel few months is long enough...
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (10 March 2014):
 To be honest, I mean, you can do everything in the world to get him back, but if he truly doesn't want the relationship anymore, unless you want a court ordered restraining order on yourself, you may have no choice but to give up eventually.
How recent was this split? If it was recent, maybe you need to cool it for a bit and give him some space. Obviously he's really angry right now. It sounds like this has been going on and building up for him, otherwise he wouldn't be responding like this. Give him a week or two to calm down. I know that's not what you want, but it's your best bet. Then try to talk to him and see how he feels.
It sounds like he most likely thinks you have a tendency to over react. Take some time for yourself, do some introspection, and see if he's right or has a valid point. Coming at him justifying your actions won't make him come back. He's obviously fed up and at his wits end. Telling him you see his point of view and that you're willing to work on it is most likely your best bet.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): You are being stubborn only with yourself. You can't demand him to accept your apology, nor force him to take you back.
No one can tell you to just get over it. Time and frustration will teach you that is all you can do.
Releasing yourself; once you get dumped, is tough. You feel rejected, embarrassed, unworthy, and your ego is hurt. You feel you need another chance to show him you can change.
It just didn't work. How many chances should it take?
Once you crack a glass, every-time you hit it; the fissure keeps growing. Finally it breaks. Relationships can be the same.
You can glue it back together, the cracks and fissures are still there. It's held together only by glue; until it is dropped again. That's what recycled relationships are like. They keep breaking and coming together again; until they are so broken it's useless.
You have run out of chances. He is done with you. He is tired of you. He only gets angrier; when you force yourself on him. You won't leave him alone to deal with his grief.
So he goes completely silent. He is now in no-contact.
Where you both should be now.
Like a spoiled child, you aren't taking no for an answer; and you want him back. Look at your behavior, and you will see exactly why he doesn't want you back. You say his reaction to something you said, or did, is disproportionate.
Not according to your ex-boyfriend.
Apparently this has built-up over a stretch of time, and he has had it. You haven't changed. So go ahead and put yourself through hell. Beat yourself up, and waste your time. You don't have to listen to anything we tell you.
Learn the hard-way, kiddo!
I got dumped too. I at least kept enough dignity to try and allow myself to deal with my feelings, and let go. I did. I survived it. You will too.
He will ignore you. Reject you. He has been letting go for a long-time. He had a head-start in getting over you, all this time. That's why he could finally break-up.
It isn't easy. He used to care; but he feels all that was just a waste of time. He can't deal with you; or that relationship anymore. He is not coming back to it. So throw your tantrums. Cry, beg and plead. Refuse to accept the truth. It is over.
Messy and confrontational relationships are exhausting. I have witnessed many in my lifetime. Thank God, I never had one! I have watched beautiful vivacious people turn into shells of themselves. That's why I just couldn't allow it to happen to me.
I can't refute the possibility he'd take you back. The crack is still in the glass. It's a matter of time before it breaks and shatters altogether. Changes don't happen over-night. You can only be good, until the next time.
Continuing the cycle of fights and conflicts that lead up to where you are now. The problem is; you don't see how bad it is, and he does.
He would be a fool to take you back. You need the time to heal, work on yourself, and get over your insecurities.
Then find your own happiness, without him in your way.
Go to your mother and cry it off. Reconnect with your friends and have a bitch-session. Get it all out. Sit quietly and write down your thoughts and feelings. Admit your own faults. Start getting used to the truth. Spend time alone to cry, and let your feelings out. You have apologized to him enough. Now forgive yourself.
You are single now, and you have to take care of yourself.
It's going to be a tough process. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll get over it. He has given up on you.
We'll always be here for you. At least I will.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): Having been in a similar situation I can say that no matter how much you might want him back he does not at this present moment in time want to be with you. Time might make him view things differently or it may not.
When this happened to me I desperately wanted him back but it wasn't to be. I respected his boundaries and left him well alone. He didn't come round and effectively moved on. He didn't forgive me and nor did he want me back. After about 6 months he would occasionally text to ask how I was but in a friend zone way but never wanted to speak or meet. I always tried to turn these texts into something more always asking to speak or meet up for lunch but was always very coldly so I could not possibly not understand turned down. After about a year I grew tired of being the bad person and feeling this way and just stopped thinking about him anymore. I would say the calmer and more rational I was the more he did seem interested but really by that time I was no longer interested.
This may or may not happen to you. He may come back but he will only do this if you put time and space between you and you leave him well alone. This will give him time to calm down and remember the good things about you and what you enjoyed doing together. I myself am very sarcastic and most men don't really like it. They don't like women who are nasty, sarcastic or vitreolic. They want a quiet pecaeful life.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 March 2014):
 I agree with Auntie BimBim.
YOU can not MAKE this guy WANT to stay in a relationship with you. No matter how many times you apologize or show up.
No one here has a magic wand or advice that can instantly fix what happened.
My guess is arguments were not uncommon and that he has already "left" the relationship emotionally, which is why it was so "easy" for him to say, this is the last straw. I'm done.
To do it over e-mail kind of show that he didn't WANT to interact with you (as in face-to-face, phone or text) he JUST wanted to be done. Then you show up at his house to "change" his mind, no wonder he said go away.
If the roles were reversed you would have kicked him out of your house too.
I'm not saying he is handling the break up in a mature matter or anything like that, he is handling it as HE sees fit. 1 e-mail to be done with it.
Back off and give him some space. Maybe what he REALLY needs is some time to thing.
While HE does that maybe you should do the same. Have a long think over the last 3 years and what YOU brought to the relationship.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (9 March 2014):
 Its a horrible way to end things after 3 years, via email. Then to throw you out of his home when you tried to mend things.
It shows he has reached the end of his tether though. Maybe the argument was the excuse he wanted to enable him to walk. Making it ALL your fault, rather than just his choice.
When we are in love we miss the warning signs that are maybe clear to others, that the relationship has run it's course for one party. If that's the case you walked right into his plan and behaved as he knew you would.
There isn't much you can do though, unless you want to chase somebody that's over you, which will diminish your self esteem.
It's hard but life goes on, eventually you start dating again and taking lessons from the first relationship, make the next better.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (9 March 2014):
 Sorry to say, but you sound really controlling and seem only interested in what you want. You don't seem to care about what he wants or feels in the matter, as long as you get what you want...sounds a bit like a tantrum you're throwing.
OK so you want him back? Then change your attitude. Stop harassing him with visits and emails and phone calls. Respect his need to put distance between you. Stop throwing tantrums and humble yourself. Direct your energies elsewhere. Grieve, go for long walks, talk with your friends, get involved in other activities that would help you to cope with the onslaught of the mixed up emotions you're feeling right now. If you want to change his mind, then change yourself, and I mean this in a good way...become a better you. Let him see you in a different light.
I know it's not the advice you want to hear, but setting rules on how people should advise you is a sign that you have some major control issues that you need to address.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (9 March 2014):
 I'm sorry to hear you're suffering over this, but I am in complete agreement with Aunty BimBim... you can't make him come back to you unless that's what he also wants.
Unfortunately, if you feel that he ended the relationship over something very trivial, he has probably wanted out of it for a while, and was looking for an excuse to do so.
And breaking up via email? Really?? Maybe he was a great boyfriend in other ways, but we can only base our answers off what you mention in your post, and so far he doesn't sound like a very good guy, either for you or in general.
I'm not going to say you need to get over him, but if you absolutely refuse to consider that possibility then you may be waiting around for a VERY long time hoping that he'll change his mind and come back. There is no guarantee of him doing so, and in the meantime all you can do is give him space and wait to see what happens.
That said, I do think you deserve - and can do - much better.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): "In my opinion I was only bit sarcastic and his reaction disproportional."
He obviously disagrees, and his is the only opinion that counts.
"I need your advice, what to do, I want him back."
Nothing you can do. He doesn't want you back, and given your unwillingness to respect his feelings or take responsibility for your actions I can't blame him.
"Please, no comments on how I should get over him, because I tried and I'm positive that I don't want to."
You may not want to get over him but you can't prevent him from wanting to get over you, as he apparently already has.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 March 2014):
 You seem to have forgotten the most important thing here, no matter how much you want him back, HE has to want you back too!
You say whatever it was you did was the last straw for him, which suggests your behaviour or actions have upset him more than a few times in the past.
Maybe you should leave him alone for a while, he may get over it or he may not, give it a few weeks, and while you are waiting consider your past actions and learn from them.
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