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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have major body image issues. I get extremely insecure about everything. I'm a perfectionist, and my body (of course) isn't perfect. As in, it's not up to either the female ideal (fashion models) nor the male ideal (strippers, porn stars).My boyfriend seems very into it. But in the past he used to be very wild. He used to sleep around, watch a lot of porn and go to strip clubs. He dated a stripper and had sex with her. I feel really low when I think about that, especially the visiting strip clubs regularly thing. The thing is, where I live is a very male dominated town, so going to strip clubs is not a taboo and it's expected. Women are expected to accept it, and strip clubs usually only allow male patrons, women can't come in. I've heard many stories from friends or random men, and the way they refer to strippers and the whole experience is sickening. Especially because they often mention that strippers are way better than regular women because they're a) hotter and b) if you pay enough, you can have sex with them (I'm not in the US, so while prostitution isn't legal, here's it's very easy to bypass those laws). Many of them are married, in relationships, and have no qualms about cheating or comparing their partners to strippers. With all this in mind, I've come to loathe the type of guy who goes to strip clubs. Yes, I'm judgmental of guys who there. I don't judge the strippers, to me, what's morally wrong and what says more about strip clubs is the guys who go there. Again, it's not like in the US where women can go and participate. Here it's strictly for a male audience, and there's a lot more exploitation. My boyfriend, when I met him, didn't seem like the type to go. He was pretty good about his views of women, I mean, he still is, but with the things he said about equal rights and such I'd expected he didn't like such things. But he does. He says he's not interested in going now, but I mean, he even dated a stripper. He must like that look, heavily made up, thin, with big breasts. Not at all how I look! It's not his fault. It's in the past, he was single. But I feel low. I feel like I will never measure up. I feel like he must be settling for me because I have other good things going on, but not the body. I'm a 5 compared to their 10.The thing is, it's hard for me to empathize. I'll tell you a secret that NOBODY knows, not even him, not even my doctor, because it's too damn embarrassing: my libido has been MIA since I was 18. I'm almost 26 now. I actually have been getting turned on by my boyfriend more than other guys, but the thing is, I need things done to me for my libido to barely respond. I haven't been wildly turned on for almost 8 years. So the whole notion of being turned on by others and still loving your partner is lost on me. I just don't experience it. And I'm very afraid that he's gonna want to go back eventually, or that whenever he sees a girl with that body type he's gonna want her more than me. That he's just stuck with me because he loves me. I honestly never feel aroused by anyone who's not a partner. I don't get the appeal of male strippers, I actually find that gross. If I see a shirtless guy, nothing happens. I don't fantasize about others. I only get horny when my boyfriend kisses me or I initiate, but it's a very tame horny. I miss being horny, actually, how sad.Anyway, I feel threatened by his beauty standards. He says he went to strip clubs just to hang out with the guys, but he ended sleeping with a stripper so there's no fooling me. I appreciate he looks after my emotions, though. But I know they're like goddesses and I'm well... just an average girl. So he must like that more, physically. And there's nothing I can do to even the field, since I don't get aroused by others.I've been working out and eating healthy, but there's little, if any, progress. And even then my breasts have an ugly shape/are small, etc. There are things only surgery could fix. He always said he dislikes women with fake breasts, but he went to strip clubs so I guess he was just saying that to appease me.Anyway, sorry. I just want to know how to get over it and not feel so low when something reminds me that he used to frequent strip clubs. I also want to know how to be OK with him being aroused by other women/finding others more attractive. That really scares me and makes me sad.
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breasts, horny, insecure, libido, porn, stripper Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2014): Hey somethings wrong there. In case you dont understand i said i dont recommend for you to let yourself dying with insecurities. Its a typo error that happens all the time sorry.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2014): This has something to do with poor self esteem problem.
Its normal for you to get insecure why because eveyone is insecure.
Whoever claims that they dont have insecurities is a big fat liar.
But just because its normal i dont recofor you to jusbt keep yoursemlf dying with your insecurities.
Never get insecure with a stripper. They may have the body to die for but they are living life like hell.
Imagine the number of men they slept with. Imagine the possible sexual diseases they may have.
If your body is not to die for then instead of wasting your time dying with insecurities hit the gym.
Have a plan. Eat a balance diet. Thats what you should do.
Also, your bf should be the one who should get insecure. So many women in this world, but why a stripper? Cant he get a woman with class?
I mean you should divert your way of thinking. Help yourself. No one can but just you.
Darling if there someone who should be insecure its him.
Not you.
Its all in the mind. Remember this when it comes to real love beauty has so less influenced on it.
But when it comes to attraction, beauty may dominate it. But it wont last. It fizzles.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (27 August 2014):
 WHERE the heck ARE you????? And WHY would you put up with your "B/F" and/or the surroundings that you describe???
More info, please....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 August 2014):
 Dear OP, I don't know if you are the same poster who already asked the same question under slightly different guises alreday dozens and dozens and dozens of times. Or, a new one with the same self image issues. Or maybe it's two or three of you who have recurring compulsive thoughts, and recurring posts. In any case, please realize that just stating your problem, drawing some attention on it.. and then never taking any practical steps to solve it ,it is futile, and possibly also it will make things worse rather than better.
Please do not get me wrong : It's not that I personally , or the other Aunts, get impatient or bored answering the same stuff . We know that, lo and behold, the big basic questions are always the same few , ( should I forgive him if he cheats ? should I make a move or wait that he does ?, etc. ), and , if we keep answering ,as we do, it is because we LIKE doing it. Time and again.
What I am saying is that, if you are a repeat poster, or simply if you have skimmed posts in the past and this is not your very first time on DC ( which I am sure it is not ), by now you should have accepted and realized how useless and foolish it is to attempt offering a rational solution to what is IRRATIONAL. A non- specialistic, non-medical approach, to what is pathological.
One could reason with you till doomsday , on a logical ,factual level,- without getting through to a person who harbours an entrenched , dysfunctional thought structure.
One could try and say , for instance,that, who cares if you are a 5 and the stripper is a 10- first, the beauty rating system does not apply when a man is in love, the object of his love is not graded or compared or pitted against a stripper. Or, one could say that you are a 5 for beauty , but maybe a 10 for education, morals, career prospects, wit, intelligence etc.etec.- whle the stripper could be a 3 . And if a man is not the Neanderthal man, he will like physical beauty ,of course, but he will value and cherish as well other prized qualities in his life partner.
One could also say that YOU have put yourself in your mind that ALL men ' s beauty ideal is a porn star, while it is not so, as a matter of fact most men I know would not touch a porn star even with latex gloves, and not for moral reasons, but precisely for esthetic ones. So maybe the flaw is in your choice of men- you choose to hang out with men who patronize strip clubs frequently. Choose men who patronize museums, instead,.. and you will only have the Venus of Milo to compete with.
And so on and so forth- but, it's a lost cause. YOU know it's something within you that needs to change, not in the guys, or the strippers or the envirinment. You really need to change what our DC colleague Tisha-1 would call " stinking thinking ". You CHOOSE to believe things that , not only are false, but make you suffer.
Changing dysfunctional thought processes, warped perceptions of reality, and messed up value systems is not a job for DC. It takes a professional, it takes time, patience , your active cooperation and your heartfelt desire to change.
As long as you just post- maybe there's no desire for change, in fact ,under it all, there's the desire to perpetuate a feeling of helplessness, disempowerment , and victimization. Which feels bad, - but also comforting : so you don't have to DO anything to take charge of your wellbeing or happiness. Because it is always somebody's else " fault " : the men who are pigs, the strippers who have ( or buy ) big tits, the society , the fashion industry .... It is so easy and comfy being a victim, isn't it ?...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2014): Wow there! Slow down with the self deprecation. Your body is neither the female ideal nor the mail ideal is a very sad and meaningless way to see yourself. Sad because if you don't love yourself -who will? If you don't love yourself then your selfworth is determined by people other than yourself and they don't have a consensus of what you should look like. you'd be miserable trying to fit everyone's ideal. Meaningless because in real terms what does fitting someone's ideal in looks really give you? How does it enrich your life? You'd be surprised to know that 'beautiful' people are not necessarily happier than everyone else. Even if they were happier than everyone else, focusing on your shortcomings would no make you feel any better. Instead of focusing on what others want or expect. Really look in the mirror and see the things that you do like about yourself. Forget about porn stars and models. They - like everyone else have their own personal demons that you wouldn't even begin to understand. Be happy with your lot in life. Focus on your strengths, whether that's your brains or your sense of humour. Embrace that and be kinder to yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2014): First of all, it's very normal to be turned on only by your partner. There is nothing abnormal about it. It calls being monogamous. Most people are really turned on only by someone they love. Also you are a woman, take this into consideration. Second, I knew quite a bit of strippers, and they all have one thing in common: they absolutely despise men. One had even problem sleeping with men after that, though sheis totally heterosexual.,You have serious body image issues, and your insecurity coming from that. Thereis so much to relationship that a perfect body and as you said yourself who has perfect body? Men have different tastes in women's bodies. Some like thin, some like with some meat on their bones. I went once out with a friend who was very much overweight, like 50lb at least. She had a pretty face, but her body by now standards was to say the least lacking any form. She had no waist, her legs were cellulity and her stomach had several layers. She was young with good skin but that's about it. These 2 guys who came up to us were all over her. Not me, with no extra weight at all, but her.
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