A
female
age
41-50,
*iss_Absolutely
writes:Hi, I'm 33 and attached. I recently met a man who is also attached. It was clear we were very strongy attracted to each other immediately, but being "attached" we kept a certain amount of distance between each other. Then one night we happened to be both at the same party. At the end of the night we stood talking alone (both our partners in the next room) but ended up just stood looking at each other, into each othre's eyes, totally mesmerised by each other in silence. It wasn't awkward and neither of us was waiting for the other other to talk... it was just like "Hmmm... Look at you..." Nothing needed to be said. Nothing COULD have been said it was so intense.. Has anybody else ever experienced this degree of attraction before? To be honest it felt like we were falling in love. Like the lightening bolt that people tell you to wait for! I have very strong feelings for this man now as we have spent some time together since this, but like I say, we are both attached and I know nothing can happen at present. What do you think? We have never spoken about that particular moment... but it was prolonged and just WOW!!! BANG!! It felt like attraction on another level, if that makes sense?? Am I deluded? Should I tell him how I feel? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007): Grow up! You people disgust me! "Go for it" and "please say something to encourage me" Where the hell did your vows go? It's people like you who know nothing about genuine commitment. But "our eyes locked onto each other" ..it was magical type comments...please! Of course there are attractions to other people, many sexual, during one's marriage. That's normal and to be expected. HELLO? It's in that precise moment of time, that instant thought, that nanosecond of temptation, that will reveal how strong and genuine your love for your partner really is--or not. And, the afterresult proposes to your heart and concience: Exactly how will I respond? Hopefully, you will remember your vows, and stretch forward to the deepening and expanding of those vows; including the breadth and depths of trust. This society is going to hell in a hand basket because people like you romanticize falling in love with someone other than your spouse, and then you play the victim card like a soap star on Desperate Housewives. Pull your head out of your ass. Love your partner--with everything in you, and then some. And, make the series of choices that you will not be responsible for the breakup of you commitment, or family.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): I know exactly what that is like. I am married, 34 years old and this same thing happened to me about 2 years ago. Met this girl through work and although happy with my wife this most intense attraction for this girl just blew me away totally! I wasn't ever considering looking for an affair, but this experience was almost surruel.
I could just look in to her eyes and we would stare and it would almost be like having sex at the same time. My thoughts were taken over by her completely. I struggeled to eat, sleep, work, you name it. We starting flirting more, e-mailing and I found myself absolutely unable to resist starting an affair with her. She was engaged to a long term distance boyfriend at the time, but she became equilly obsessed with me. She tried her best not to have an affair with me, since she did not want to fall in love with a married bloke and get hurt.
We were on off, on off in cycles for 2 years. During this time I considered leaving my wife, went to therapy to look at this option, but eventually worked out that I love both of these people and can't leave my wife. I felt torn and desperate, since the other girl is under pressure by her fiance to move to her country and for them to finally get hitched. She has also been going to therapy and is as torn as me. Her fiance was going to leave her if she didn't make the move and after many tears she decided to go, because we simply don't have a future together and she does not want to be single forever.
She told me this today and I am a broken man. I have never in my life experiences such intense pain, that it is frightening. I also have to go home to my wife and look like it is just another normal day. Imagine 2 people very much in love having a great relationship and simply having to split up, because of circumstances. How will I go on with my life? I love my wife still, but wish that I didn't have to feel this pain inside.
My advice to you is don't do it. You will most certainly get hurt and believe me it hurts a hell of a lot more than you can imagine now. It might take me years to recover and it scares me. I know you all would say that it is my punishment for cheating and I suppose it is, but I am suffering enough and have learned my lesson well. Please write anything to help me feel better?
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A
female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (9 August 2007):
 so what happened ?:)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): I remember being in the same situation when I was your age. Hindsight being what it is, I would do the same thing again which was to go for it.
The relationship between my wife and I had gone stale and my 'bit on the side' was also married. We continued our affair for a couple of years, we knew we could never be an item so we just enjoyed the odd night out somewhere quiet together and enjoyed the sex at every opportunity. Happy days!
Yeah - go for it but be careful to keep it quiet.
Phil
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A
female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (27 July 2007):
then go for it :).
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A
female
reader, Miss_Absolutely +, writes (27 July 2007):
Miss_Absolutely is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Butterfly. I've never felt that sort of intensity of attraction before in my life. Have I been missing out all my life? Is it actually normal to feel this intensity of attraction? Because to me it was totally NOT how I have ever felt before and that is why i think something special has happened and IS happening between us. And I'm 33 and not wet behind the ears. Thanks :)
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A
female
reader, Butterflyfly +, writes (26 July 2007):
Attractions, whims, what you shuld do, what you shuldnt do..
The attraction feeling, well that's the real thing and something worth 100000000000 dollars, it's just so great. Have you felt that sort of intensity/attraction often in your life? What was about it that made it so good?
If I were you I would look at these options:
1.Ignore the attraction and keep at living how you have till now with your bf. I suspect the downside of this option is that it will bug you for a while and you will still start to wonder about, and look for new things and people and perhaps find faults with your partner.
2.Ignore the attraction momentarily, and do some introspection and analising your present relationship.
I think a good place to start is to assess where is your present relationship atm, what you get and don't get from it, and how can you get from your present boyfriend what you might need.. and talk to him about it. Cos it may be that you drifted like that towards someone else because your relationship is a bit unfullfilled... and it may well be your present boyfriend might not be into you as much as well. Who knows.. but I think that would be a good place to start from. From there you can see if the attraction for the new guy was truly only a whim, and fading away already, or more.
3.Work on the attraction factor, see what's there, sublty, by tryin to get more situations together. But definitely thinking that means cheating on your present boyfriend.
You have the right to see what kind of lightening bolt it was if it struck you like that, but you gotta clear up the territory first in your yard so you don't burn everything you may want to keep...
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A
female
reader, Miss_Absolutely +, writes (26 July 2007):
Miss_Absolutely is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEddie, I think I should point out that this is very extreme attraction like nothing I have EVER felt before. My question is aimed more at asking is this kind of attraction on a DIFFERENT LEVEL!!?? I'm NOT a cheater. I have already acknowledgted that nothing can happen at present as we are both attached. He is, I believe, my lightening bolt! But, is that truely possible? Judging by what others have said, it is. Thank you for your thoughts anyway.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Caution !!! NEVER sit down with that guy and discuss what happened. So far it's a possible mutual attraction. SO WHAT !! Being attracted to someone is NORMAL. Expanding on it, flirting or stepping over the boundary is another thing. Talking to this guy about it, is as good as cheating. Once you let the cat out of the bag you are basically making your boyfriend a chump, fool...pick a lousy word.
Let's assume you leave your boyfriend to go with this new guy. What will you do the next time you're attracted to a guy? And the time after that? And the next time...It doesn't end. They are feelings. Another important point is this, you never said how your relationship was with your boyfriend. Is it good? Does it need work? Were you have any thoughts of cheating before you went to the party? Have you cheated before? Do you want to be a cheater? Do you want to be with a cheater? What happens the next time he meets another woman he's attracted to.
Relationships are built on many things. Attractions come and go. Commitment and integrity are what gives a relationship legs to last a long time. You shared a moment with a guy, so what?
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (26 July 2007):
Well, you're really not being truthful with yourself. Something has happened. You've spent more time with this guy since the first meeting at that party. I'd bet my last dollar you were flirting too. So, in a sense, you are nurturing an inappropriate relationship with another man.
Why on earth would you muddy the water by saying anything to him? It is clear to me that if you are even considering commenting about this to the guy then you don't love or respect your current partner. How disrespectful it would be to go behind his back and tell another man how much you were attracted to him. Think about that for a minute.
Of course this all feels nice. It is a FEELING/URGE. What you have with your partner is a relationship. Animals have urges. That is what puts us above them. If your relationship is lacking in some small way, work on it. If you can't have integrity, move on, but don't cheat. Why would you want to be known as the cheater and family wrecker?
You are playing with fire. Now that you know, you are in the drivers seat and are responsible for any poor choice and consequence of that choice. If you're willing to hurt your partner to this extent, he deserves better.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Yeah you can tell him how you feel when you have left your partner, that would be the proper way to do it.
I do think it's possible to feel like that as well as i had the same feelings when i met my husband and it has still not gone away twelve years later.
Take care.xx.
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