A
female
age
41-50,
*orried female reader
writes:I am 33 years old, run my own business and have been independent most of my life and need to add that am also financially independant. I am 5'3, I enjoy working out and currently got engaged to my 46 years old boyfriend. I financially take care of 3 nieces and my mom (don't live with them but cater for tuition and health and have done this since my first paycheck). I have health issues relating to my asthma which means I have a problem with pills and deprovera as they cause the situation to get worse. I was on an IUD and had to have it removed after 2 months of daily bleeding and painful cramps and depression. My fiance works away for 3 months and gets a one month off during which time I use the pill. my breathing gets laboured to the point I cant jog or walk short distances and I often suffer from respiratory infections. MY problem is I dont care to have children but my fiance wants at least one child desperately. I feel that if I should agree to have a child because he wants one then he should accept to have a vasectomy to ease up my health concerns. I am ready to have a tubal ligation even today and the only reason I have not had one is because he would really want to have a child. I have not been very sexually active in my adult life and have rarely been on pills for more than 3 months continously but I know enough about how they affect my health to know I dont want to spend the rest of my life on them. If my fiance cannot commit to a vasectomy, why should i commit to having a child and have my body go through the ravages of childbirth. We both don't have any children from our past relationships. I love my fiance but I can't go through with this.
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engaged, fiance, the pill Reply to this Question
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female
reader, raiders  +, writes (22 April 2010):
 It is selfish but it is their body. No one has the right to decide on what goes on and which procedures a person must go through or what to cut off or what to keep in someone else body, we only the have control of our body. You are also negotiating a baby and giving ultimatum and a baby should not be brought to earth in these conditions. Having a baby grow in your tummy for 9 months is a wonderful experience the bond that the mother and the child has is untouchable but yet you want to put a price on it--Its going to cost your boyfriend a vasectomy in order to become a father; I wonder what would your response be if your boyfriend said to you I DON'T WANT ANY CHILDREN WITH YOU SO UNLESS YOU TIE YOUR TUBES I'M LEAVING!!!
A
female
reader, worried female reader +, writes (21 April 2010):
worried female reader is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, thanks everybody. Its seems a lot of female responses sympathise with the male issue of a vasectomy rather than with the whole lot of issues a woman has to go through with child birth and raising. A man might change because of a vasectomy but a woman changes even more after children. I think at this point at time we will have a very long engagement as we consider our options. I know for sure I won't have a child unless I am willing and feel completely ready for one. I also know that it is very selfish of men not to take any responsibility where reproductive health is concerned. Thank you all for your varied and valued opinion.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (20 April 2010):
I would recommend you and beg you not to bring a child into this world. Having a child with the man you love is the most pleasant experience, proof of love a women can give her man and most women would love you give them this gift to experience fatherhood. A baby should not be brought into this world as a trade off to obtain something in returned. It's a baby a human being and you should not be bargaining deals.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): You and he have not even committed to signing some papers and getting officially married. It seems pretty ludicrous to start expecting each other to have babies and get tubes tied.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): i dont know wat to say. U cannot try to force him to understand. if he doesnt want to have his cord cut, then u should take it upon yourself to get ur tubes tied. A lot of men lose their dignity when they get the snip. a friend of mines father had the snip and was a completely different person For the next few years.You know, using a condom works wonders these days.
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A
female
reader, maelene +, writes (20 April 2010):
 This sounds like a deal breaker for the both of you! It is not fair that you both put expectations on each other that you can not meet. You are asking him to have a vasectomy against his will and you seem like you are only willing to have a child because he wants it. It is a hard choice but you can not force him to have one he is free to choose what he wants, just like you are. I understand you do not want to use birth control because of health issues but did you know there are natural birth control options out there? There are spermicides, diaphragms, and natural family planning you can look into to prevent pregnancy so he won't have to get a vasectomy. If you do not desire to have a child at this time then don't do it, you will be having one for the wrong reason. I hope I have helped you.Maelene
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): You can't make him understand, and I've seen guys who were completely against it for many reasons. Many women laugh and believe it's because guys are afraid to have the procedure done, but there are other factors that come into play. Hypothetically (not that anyone would want something bad like that to happen), if something terrible ever happened to either you or your future child, like a fatal car accident, and he wanted to have another baby(with you or someone else), he would still have the option of doing so. It's like telling a woman to have an abortion..deciding on the option of a future baby's life is each person's own will. It's the same in that if you're not sure if you want a baby, yourself, that's your decision. You can't force him not to get a vacectomy just because you didn't have a child...it's his own decision. You can try making him wear a condom each time, and there's now also a pill that guys can take daily as birth control. Try exploring your options together.
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A
female
reader, rambini  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 firstly im a little bit shocked by your question. "If my fiance cannot commit to a vasectomy, why should i commit to having a child and have my body go through the ravages of childbirth". The simple answer is that you shouldn't. there is no way a child should be brought on this earth just so you can appease your fiance. that is a disgraceful attitude. a child is the ultimate blessing in life, not a bargaining tool.
furthermore, there are more than one type of pill, and there are more than one injection you can get. i have severe asthma and yet i am on the pill. my friend had a collapsed lung and DVT and is still on the pill, so you need to go to your doctor and find one which works for you.
another option is just to use condoms. they are safe, and do not cause health issues.
you need to take a look at yourself and consider whether you should even be engaged to this man when your life plans are so different. no-one can be forced, nagged, bribed, or guilted into having surgery and its very unfair of you to try and do so.
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