A
female
age
36-40,
*uliet
writes:Hi everyone, please help! When i first met my bf he seemed so overwhelmed with love - as is typical i expect. Anyway over three years on, been living together for two +, he has waivered between talking like he wants to marry and have kids and acting otherwise. I wasnt bothered but lately am annoyed because i feel im being left in the dark about our actual future. I dont want to pressure him but i also dont want to be years down the line and still waiting for the motivation to grab him! One the one hand its like he is waiting for a promotion in work... and on the other its like hes waiting for me to get my promotion! Like ive to achieve more first?! Plus I feel like when or if we row that makes him shut down completely and therefore prolongs it...like a setback. So... i was straight and talked to him about it a little over a month ago. Said i didnt want to move into our new place unless i knew what the hell his actual intentions were since he effectively was leaving me clueless... he promised me the earth yada yada... we moved in. But then we had a stupid row and since he's acting like our chat never happened. He's not saving for the apparent ring, he's not talking about our future and from experience i know i will have to now work with him to build back up the relationship..all the while hes still getting everything from me without me getting the one thing i asked for - a sign of his actual commitment and love for me and his promise of an actual future. What should i do? Im starting to feel really taken for granted and undervalued. He has all the benefits whilst i dont get the one promise that i have said is actually important to me. (its kind of embarassing but i cant help how i feel). thanks xxx
View related questions:
moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 July 2011):
 When I say precise, I mean he needs to let you know the basics, what and when. For example, if he wants to wait until he has a promotion, he needs to put a time on it, also example only "If I get a promotion within the next 12 months we will be married before the next 12 month period is up""If I dont get a promotion within the next 12 month period I will not marry you"and"If you get a promotion within the next 12 months etc,"If he wants you both to get promotions, he needs to allow for that. Tell him you preference for your future is to have a husband you love, and who loves you back, and all that goes with a marriage, including children. Explain to him the benefits of having children while you are relatively young.If you feel he will not take you seriously one on one find a social worker or similar prepared to act as a facilitator. You may need to pay for this service. Your boyfriend's concerns may be genuine, but he needs to realise that yours are too. Negotiation and conciliation are the key. Good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): Where is it written that relationships must logically proceed to marriage unless there is a problem? This is modern times. People have the right to prefer casual sex, FWBs, committed relationships, and everything in between.
Women lost the right to expect men to automatically marry them on schedule when they claimed the right to total relationship freedom for themselves.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (29 July 2011):
 "Why buy the cow...." is a common phrase used in a situation like this, but I am going to give you another to consider...
"Why buy the pig for just a little sausage?".
Since he already has everything valuable, then you need to remove that. Get your own place and your life.
I think you both moved too fast in the marriage talk when there was no serious preparation.
Back the truck up and get on the singles road. If he is serious about more, then he will show it in action.
Good Luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 July 2011):
 This is the old "why buy the cow when the milk is free" situation. And it happens all the time to couples who decide to put the cart before the horse and move in together without a marriage certificate.
...............................
A
female
reader, Juliet +, writes (29 July 2011):
Juliet is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thanks for writing back to me. Yes i do agree that i have to take action. I feel quite under appreciated. I am tired of never being sure what his real intentions are. I am not expecting a rush wedding and all the trimmings but i would like him to formally commit to me considering I give our relationship so much that its like we're married. Hes never actually said the words 'im not ready' but i can presume he's not. That row we had, he said ' I want a future with you but if you continue like this i cant see it' ... hence why i feel im being tested or pressured into acting "perfect". I know id love a future together regardless of the odd rows etc but its like hes unsure because we can row ..like everyone does. When you say make him be precise, do you mean a timeline or that i should be patient until we tick all his boxes?
Thanks so much xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (29 July 2011):
He has all the benefits of marriage now, and you dont have any. It might be time for you to sit him down and ask him what needs to happen before you can marry. Make sure he is very precise. If he wont participate, pick up your pre packed bag and leave. And stick to your decision until you can be sure he is listening to you, and your needs.
...............................
|
