A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We 've been married forever. Right after my high school. We started out having no money at all to now owning a jewelry store. We split responsibility. I care of administration, my husband actually makes all the repairs and new designs.The problem is that he is an extremely stubborn man. If I point out something he immediately gets defensive and denies everything. Sometimes he even contradicts himself, which is really stupid.He is also looking for reasons to avoid difficult jobs by asking me to do something for him, and when I can't actually do it, not because of la k of time but for only reason that it's just impossible he keeps on saying that he can't do it, because I didn't do my part.It s such a BS, becAuse he can do it anywAy, he just doesn't want to work to hard on this particular project.To give an example. One customer sent a picture of a ring that he wants on my phone. Ussualy I send to my email and print it out but this time it just won't print out. I told him to just use phone picture. He argues with me now that it's hard for him to look at the phone all the time. Why is it hard? It's a very clear picture. No, he says , he needs it to be printed out.He drives me nuts by doing it all the time. I take care of all the accounting and paperwork, do my own taxes just to save money. I must control what he does all the time. He has no concept of connection between him finishing orders on time so I can pay bills.Some weeks he is so incredible not productive that I don't see a penny. I travel to Europe to prepare for busy season, by buying gold abroad. Sometimes my trip takes few weeks.EVERY SINGLE TIME I travel he doesn't deposit any money in a bank. Last time I had to yell at him from my hotel room that he needs to deposit money as he put only 400$ during 3 weeks, and these money came from credit card charges.He reminds me of a stubborn 3 year old that never grew up. His constant denying of things and arguing is very unsettling. We have a Grown up 25 years old daughter that is completely financially independent and lives in a different state. She knows her father well and tells me that I need to find a way to handle him.But sometimes I feel that I m a mother to him, not a wife. I sometimes want a man in my house who takes care of ME, not the other way around.Everuthing that is going in our life depends on me. Family vacations, everyday meals, entertainment, his clothes, doctors appointments: all of this I have to take care of. Even outing with friends: I always make arrangments. I need to tell him to wear an apron at work not to mess up his clothes, otherwise he forgets and comes home looking like hell all covered in dust and dirt. Really it's like I m living with big child who I have to take care of the rest of my life. Stubborn child also. Sometimes I get so tired of arguing that I say: ok, now u do it then. I Agree with whatever decision u make.but then he does nothing. It's just sad.It effects our sex life also. He hardly takes an initiative any more. I know we lived together more than quarter of century, but I'm still a very pretty woman in my mid forties. I still get a lot of attention from guys, and I'm still very much interested in sex. When we get to it it's very nice, he is really good at it and knows what he is doing, but nowadays we get to it so rarely. Sometimes month or even more passes before we do it.I have an impression that in this field he also waits for me to tell him what to do. Lately really to think of it it doesn't happen until I start.Wow, it turned out to be a long story, and I'm not done yet.Couple months ago I had a layover in Frankfurt for a day.I. Hotel I met this young fellow, at least 10 years younger. He was there by himself, so we started talking ending up going to a bar for a drink.we talked till 5 am. Then I had to catch a plane going to Iceland to meet my husband.I cant say it enough what a pleasure I had spending time with that young man. There was no sexuality involved, I felt it in the air, but he was very discreet and never offered anything. But the way he took care of me every step of the way.he helped me with the door as I had a hard time using my key, he helped me with computer, he made a decision for me where to go out to eat. He paid the bill, we talked about everything. He listen no constant interruptions. He wok me up in a couple hours just to make sure I ll catch my plane in time.I was almost in love. I had this unfamiliar feeling that im safe with this guy. Then I go to Iceland, and the first thing I see my husband exhausted in the airport waiting for me. The plan was for him to go to a hotel as he was arriving at 6 am and wait for me there as I was coming at 4 pm. But he forgot a piece of paper with a adress, and he also forget the name of the hotel. So he had to stay in the airport for 10 hours waiting for me. Someone at the airport told him not to just sit there for all this time but go to a famous spa to just relax and may be even take a nap. He decide to stay in the airport, becAuse he couldn't make that decision himself. If I told him he would definitely go to a spa, but because I wasn't there he , after sleepless night spent another 10 hours in airport.I was just mad. First I felt so bad for him, as he looked Terrible from being so tired and without sleep, but then I just got mad that he is such a big baby. That day and 2 days after I felt no love for him. Everything he did was getting on my nerves. I was thinking about that guy in Frankfurt, about that calm that I had around him. I m just getting very tired, I think. I don't know how to change this situation. All I want to do sometimes is just to get away from him, and have less stressful life. Have any ideas? E
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): Thank u all so much for reading my long post and answering in a caring way.mishmash, reading your answer I started thinking when did it start that I started treating him as a child. May be when we immigrated to US with a tiny baby on my hands, and me speaking English and him not? For years he couldn t make a phone call, wright a check, as he didn't know how spell numbers. He was though the main bread winner as I had to be home with my little daughter. He assumed the position at one point that because he is working and I'm not, I need to do the rest. But this "the rest" is so much for one person to handle. It's 3 people we are talking about. The reason why we only had 1 baby is because every time I asked him about having another child, he would reply: do u think u can handle it?I felt so alone in making all the main decisions. Even teaching my daughter how to drive, it was my job, and I'm myself terrified of driving. I only use roads to this day, staying away from highways.Edgardo, see that's the thing. My husband is perfect in any way u look at the situation. He drinks moderately, may be a drink after work, couple on weekends. He doesn't smoke, no bad habits. He is an educated man, which attracted me to him on a first place, artist, knows a lot about culture, history and art. I love traveling with him. He is not abusive in any way. He is generous with his family. Loves our daughter.He never actually got mad at me that for example dinner is not ready,or baby made a mess in a house.If I could get rid of this qualities of him like incredible stubornes and make him take care of things that is his direct responsibility like taking care of business a little bit. He has a way with people. He is charming, talkative and honest man. Our customer love him to the point that they ask for his personal telephone number to deal just with him. That opens another disaster. He never picks up a phone. They leave messages, and he never checks them, and of course never returning calls. I discovered it by needing to use his phone as mine broke. I found almost 40 messages never taking care off. People have been calling for days. He never bothered to listen to their messages.It was again a lot yelling and screaming and me lecturing him about not respecting our customers and destroying business. After that I started checking his messages at night after he turns his phone off from my phone, as he gets mad that I go into his messages.You are right there is much more here at stake than just personal relationship. It's the life that I build for myself from scratch, and I love this life. I finally have a beautiful house, job that i love, some money in a bank, possibility to travel the world and take care of myself. And I want to be with him. I really like him, and find him sexy and smart. It just he makes me very tired, exhausted to the point that all I want to do is take a couple years break from him and see what I think of it next.But I know I absolutely can't afford it. I m afraid when I come back there will be no business, we ll be in debt, and in general my so well organized life will be a chaotic mess.I m considering couple therapy at this point, just to have a third pRty look at the situation. May be it's not all his fault, may be I'm doing something wrong also, like it was said here "enabling him" thank you all again for answering
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): I disagree with Honeypie's generalization, I don't think you are looking for other men...And I don't think you would be so upset or realized just how unhappy either if you hadn't met this man in Frankfurt. He pointed out what you were missing just be being a gentleman. For that reason alone, I think the fact that you met the man was a good thing, it was a wake up call. Because it sounds like before you met this man, you had the feeling that your life was difficult, but normal.
It sounds like a big problem and one I'm vaguely familiar with it because it sounds a lot like the relationship between my parents who are in there 60s. It infuriates me that my father isn't more appreciative, supportive, and affectionate towards my mother and the fact that it hasn't changed worries as she's getting older...she pulls more than her fair share managing finances and organizing our family. I've called my father out on it, but he also gets defensive and takes any criticism personally.
I hesitated answering this question, because I've never been married..that said my advice might sound naive. But I think you need to refuse to put up with it. It sounds like you give into his whims rather than stand your ground (I've watched my mother do the same thing for years). The issue with the photo on the phone versus the print out would be an example of this. He was being unreasonable, but you caved, and gave him the impression that his stubborness was normal behavior. You're disappointed that he's not acting like an adult, yet you ARE treating him like a child at the same time.
It probably got this bad because to some degree, you never put your foot down. And in this situation I don't think anything less will do. I know that is easier said than done and if you're running a business it might seem there is far more at stake that just a relationship, but it sounds like he thinks the arrangement you have is normal. Nothing will change his impression of reality with you unless you change the reality. I've never run a business either, but would suggest telling him that you would like to hire a part-time assistant to work with him on the smaller stuff because you don't want to do it anymore. That way you can focus on the bigger things. I would give him that as an option....an assistant or counseling or a divorce.
I do think you need to have a confrontation with him and stop enabling his behavior. And that means it will probably be worse for a while before it gets any better.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): When did I ever gave u an impression that I'm looking for men outside my marriage? I was just describing a situation that carries no meaning of me looking for an affair, just an observation of another man behavior.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2012):
 You need to stop looking for men outside your marriage, it won't fix the problems. Either you take the bull by the horn and get help or you might consider leaving your husband.
Couples therapy? I think it might work for you two, since you are starting to resent him. (and honestly I would too)
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A
female
reader, AbigailBradbury  +, writes (28 January 2012):
 Wow, it seems to me like you had a lot of good times with this man, and made a lovely daughter together. However, you're now just staying with him because you feel like he wouldn't be able to do anything without you. You sound exhausted and you are so used to being with him it's become routine. There is no love there. you love him but in the wrong way. life is too short. You need to get on with your life. If he can't do anything without you, tough!! He needs to grow up and stop relying on you for everything.The saying, "you only realise what you have till it's gone" applies here. He will realise when you go. You will feel bad for him because you've been doing it for him for so long.Think of your happiness for once. You need to do this for yourself. If you stay with him in ten years time ask yourself will you be happy? or will you regret it. Go out there and enjoy yourself!
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