A
female
age
30-35,
*ysterium
writes:Hi allI am a student studying abroad for the past two years. I have grown up enjoying a healthy and close relationship with my parents and family. But unlike the rest of my family I am a complete introvert. I am an artist so I go into these phases of being detached and just the need to be cut off from people. Initially I was very homesick and living away from my family was very hard. But slowly, I'm adjusting to it and making an effort to be positive about it. But my family, my parents find it hard to do so. I understand their situation, I guess they are attached to me as well and I believe it is hard for them to let go too. But it makes things very uncomfortable. I love them very much but too much interaction gives me panic attacks and I feel very suffocated. I really do regret feeling like this so I try and keep up the interaction. I speak with them every night and I'm just being honest, its very suffocating. I haven't told them about it because it'll hurt their feeling and I don't intend to. But I don't know how to deal with this. Any suggestions would be helpful! Thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, Mysterium +, writes (17 May 2015):
Mysterium is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for the helpful advice, esp Ruby birtle...I never thought of it like that and Ive put it into practice. Thanks!
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (15 December 2014):
I think you may have to wean your parents away gradually. You say that you're introverted and that you struggled with home sickness so your parents probably need their own reassureances that you are doing okay.
When you speak to them on the phone, try to sound upbeat. They won't be comfortable backing away if they think (or know) that you're depressed or struggling with life. If you still need support in this respect, make sure that you're receiving help elsewhere.
You don't mention that your life is full of activities but if you do join in with activities then your parents may be more satisfied that you are happy and thriving. Pick things that you can join in with on an as-and-when basis so, if you don't feel like going occasionally, you don't have to if you find social activities too much at times.
Try saying to your parents one evening as you're winding up the nightly call "I won't be able to talk to you tomorrow because I'm going to study group in the evening(or whatever excuse) so I'll look forward to speaking to you on Wednesday"
Make sure the "excuse" you use is upbeat - don't say it's because you're feeling detatched or introverted. That would probably worry them. I use the term "excuse" but it really would be better if you really had nice reason to be incomminicado (but the odd white lie doesn't hurt)
If you find this technique doesn't work and they call anyway. Don't answer their calls for that evening - switch off your phone (if you can) and speak to them the following day as planned (remembering to sound positive and upbeat) Apologise for not taking their calls and say that you were busy/in the bath/comforting your friend Sue/finishing an assignment/your phone ran out of battery/whatever.
Once you parents get used to the idea that they can miss a nights phone call and you'll be fine, maybe they can manage two nights in a row.
But they will really struggle to do this if they think you're unhappy
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (15 December 2014):
 I think most adults in their early twenties would find it a bit much talking to their parents abroad every day!
My wife speaks to her parents abroad once a week.
As Honeypie said, maybe something like twice a week might work better.
The bottom line is that you are not a child anymore, and every person needs to become an adult and fly the nest and set up their own life. Of course people will miss each other, but parents need to release their offspring and can't hold them tight forever. It's part of growing up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 December 2014):
 I would tell them that you are TRYING to adapt and that you will cut the contact to twice a week.
I don't think YOU getting "detached" - you are GROWING up.
One think I will say is this, you have family that loves you and WANT to be there for you. THAT is a good thing. Your parents are having to adjust too. They want to ensure that you are SAFE and HAPPY. They aren't trying to suffocate you.
Find a compromise that makes both YOU and your parents happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): I'm also studying abroad just like you. I consider myself to be an introvert too. You seem to talk with your family a lot, I only talk with my family once or twice on Skype per week. They understand that we both have our own activities etc, so it's not possible for us to talk every day. I also don't think that my family would like to talk with me everyday even if we had a chance to do so. You could tell them that it would be more suitable for you to talk 3 or so times a week.
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