A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend says he thinks it's disrespectful to finger a girl and that he's never done it. I think the disrespect thing is a cop out. I don't get it. He says he never has and never will. It's a big deal for me because it's a way to be intimate. What do i do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2014): maybe ease him into doing this, tell him what u like by taking it slowly he just has his hand in the particular area and build up to getting further into what u like , in a sweet way convince him to try it once and that ull build up to it so not dive straight in so to speak tell him to at least try it once if he doesnt like it then respect him for trying leave it a while then build up to doing it again if he doesnt feel pressured he might be more up for stuff , if all else fails tell him hes not getting any of it until he gives it a go u might lose him but if hes willing to be so judgemental and refusing to do something u enjoy then maybe hes not worth having . good luck
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 December 2014):
 are you sexually satisfied with him otherwise? do you orgasm with him?
if not, then you are not sexually compatible and this will not change.
can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
you are too young to settle for a miserable sex partner.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (15 December 2014):
Sounds a bit odd. Have you asked him to explain WHY he thinks it's disrespectful? That might be start but to me it sounds like he has some hang-up about it and, as you say, the disrespect thing is just a cop-out.
I assume that you are sexually active in other ways and that it's not a "sex-before-marriage" issue?
If it IS something that he has a hang-up about or really dislikes then no amount of talking about will change his mind so you would have to decide if this was a deal-breaker for you. Some people could live without it, others might not want to...
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 Move on to a newer friend. This one is obviously not a "catch" and not too bright either.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2014):
 If he says he "never has and never will", to me that would be a dealbreaker. I'd rather have someone try it a couple of times and both people deciding it's a no go rather than someone who rigidly says "forget it" and give some half-ass excuse.
What guy would accept a woman who tells him she'll never go down on him because it's disrespectful, and that she never has and never will? I'm guessing a guy would have less of a soul-search session before deciding not to tolerate that.
To me, it's less even the act of "fingering", whether it's vagina (G spot), clitoris, or wherever than it is the open and eager attitude of sexual adventure. I hate anal personally, but I have given it a few good tries.
You can't encourage or give an ultimatum. All you can do is decide for yourself whether or not his refusal is a deal breaker. To me, that would be a resounding YES. Being married for 17 years, I can tell you that the single biggest factor in keeping a sex life fresh and exciting is the spirit of adventure. If he doesn't have it even now, then your relationship is in HUGE trouble.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 December 2014):
 How long have you been together/had a sexual relationship?
He sounds hung up on something. My guess is he's had a friend or former classmate comment something nasty about girls that involved fingering them, and as a result he believes this is disrespectful. Irrational "truths" are hard to get rid of. I had a boyfriend once who also had these irrational facts, tons of them. He'd never had a relationship before I came along, but had several female friends who would talk to him about their boyfriends (what a stupid thing to do...). As a result he thought that all men who do this or that must be jerks, so he was terrified of doing the most innocent things, because his female friends had spoken so negatively about their boyfriends doing these things. But it was all out of context.
For example, he thought that he needed to always hold my hand, or else he was a bad boyfriend. Never mind asking ME what I think of hand holding... He actually broke up with me the first time around because he felt he wasn't a good enough boyfriend to me, because of all these stupid ideas he had about how a boyfriend should/shouldn't act. All thanks to a bunch of friends who told him things, and his lack of experience.
My guess is, that your boyfriend is like my ex: lack of experience has made him believe firmly in every little thing someone has told him. So if someone told him fingering was disrespectful, he can't wrap his head around how fingering can be anything but disrespectful. These irrational facts takes TIME go get over. Time and patience.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 December 2014):
 Let's say you didn't like *throwing out an example* ... anal. That you don't EVER want to try it because you find it gross or disrespectful.... and your BF wants to try it.. because... it's a way to be intimate?
There will BE things you like/ don't like sexually and THAT is OK. It's about finding a partner who ENJOYS being WITH you, not just enjoy the SAME things as you do.
Personally, having someone stick a finger up my vagina is not really my thing, I have a thing about germs so, this is a thing I can do without and HAVE done without. It quite frankly makes me think of a trip to the GYNO and that just isn't sexy (for me). Fingers on the OUTSIDE is just fine and does a LOT more for ME.
RESPECT that he HAS boundaries. And this is one of them.
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