A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, just looking for a bit of advice and a rant. I am 25 and dated someone from when I was 15 to 20. We grew apart so since then I have been looking for 'the one' I suppose. I just realised that we only get one life and wanted to meet someone and be totally in love. Since then though, there have been three instances where I've thought that I've come close. The most recent was a colleague of mine. We have identical sense of humour and I believe we were attracted to each other. Everybody thought we were a great match. We dated for about two months. In that time, we were constantly messaging our own quirky in jokes, but we were only dating maybe once every three weeks. People, including the guy, said that he was very laid back. I also knew he spent a lot of time with his mates, but he assured me that he liked me etc. Anyway, I suggested that maybe we should date a bit more frequently, and he basically shut down saying he couldn't commit and was sorry, that if it would be with anyone, it would be me but he's not ready now. It was a knock back, and he insisted he wanted to stay in touch, but im stubborn due to past experience and would never message first. I haven't heard from him and he's changed department in work. Recently a girl from work who has a serious partner mentioned that she speaks to him a lot and her boyf is jealous. I know this could be innocent, but the whole situation is stressing me out, and making me want to leave the country! I can't stop thinking about it, and feel stupid for falling for guys who seem similar. I literally thought he was lovely and into me. I don't understand why this keeps happening?! My friends and family think its just luck but how can I stop feeling like this?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): Ah don't worry about me OP, that post was worth dismissing, there were a lot of baseless assumptions in it.
Even if you can never separate yourself from that hope while dating, then don't stop reminding yourself that if it doesn't work out, you will be okay, there will be others and frankly it's not as special as you or anyone thought if he didn't commit when it came down to it.
Try not to get wrapped up this "oh you make a cute couple" bullshit OP. Try not let other people's praise of a person affect your opinion of them, make your own mind up.
I had one friend who was being beaten unmercifully by their partner and everyone said that about them. Guess what, that served as a kind of trap for her. She thought everyone else thinks he's lovely maybe he's right it's just me that is making him this way and also she didn't want to disappoint people by breaking up with him and believe it or not she used the opinions of others to justify her staying with him for so long. I was the only one who she told about him and when I smashed his nose in for treating women that way everyone turned on me and she immediately thought he was the victim too. Some may call me a fool but I hate men like that and I love the fact when he sees me on the street he still has fear in his eyes. Dirty little bully. But I digress.
OP you date for you only, no one from the outside can see anything that's really going on. Try not to let those things feed your fantasy, it's too easy to get lost in that.
But most of all OP never stop believing in yourself, never once think you aren't good enough or let rejection make you question yourself. In this case he's the one who wasn't good enough because he simply didn't have what you wanted, and what you wanted is a guy who you could fall in love with, he didn't have that so no matter all his other qualities, he simply wasn't good enough for you.
There are plenty of us out there that will have all those things, just need to soldier on OP. If you ever doubt yourself just look at the quality of the people in your life that love you, really good, loyal people. If they can love you so profoundly then so can a man.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): I think that makes more sense, explained better this time, You are right, dating should be fun, and it is, it's just if you knew us, everyone thinks we're a good match and we get on really well. I didn't let him use me or anything, things never got that far, I think your post upset me because I miss this guy as a friend, and the feeling that it could have been special. I know life isn't a fairy tale, but from past experience I find it hard to date people for the sake of it. I need to feel something otherwise I feel like its stringing that person along. I appreciate you taking the time for feedback, I feel harsh for dismissing but I think we just have slightly different opinions on human needs. But you are right, I'm lucky to have other things in life, it's just a companion would be a nice addition to my life, especially one that I liked. But you are right, plenty more fish in the sea :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): Well I apologise if I took you up wrong OP, but I am harsh and critical it works for some people and it's the way I am.
OP your follow up does confirm some of my points though.
"He promised so much" OP he was talking shit. You were only barely seeing each other 2 months, roughly 8 weeks. It's not a good idea to take anything of what anyone says seriously until they commit, actions speak louder than words and when it came down to it he was only this as a bit of fun.
OP I understand your disappointment it does sting, but you're here questioning yourself based on a two month fling. How can I not see that desperation, when I've not been the kind of person who takes dating seriously? I take relationships seriously but dating is nothing, it's all words and a bit of fun. I'll put my heart and soul into things only after we become exclusive and commit until then I don't see any point in doing so.
"It is only human to want to find somebody that you love"
That to me is needy OP, you make it sound like a human need. Maybe it is, but it's never been for me. Look maybe I'm just a weirdo, but I've never bought into the idea that we need someone to love. I'm happy with my dogs as companions, my family and friends to love and if I didn't have a fiancée I'd have no problem being single because I never considered single as being alone.
Look we just have different viewpoints here OP, 2 month fling to me is nothing to me, I've had 6 month flings with amazing connections, things I felt could develop into something awesome as a partnership but them not committing wasn't all that big a deal to me. I've never had this "human need" people talk about. Obviously I can feel gutted or disappointed but you really did come across as if you're utterly devastated at this being your last chance.
Now ignore my last post as it seems I was well wide of the mark. Well here's some new advice OP, stop questioning your ability to love and be loved based on one guys refusal to commit to you. Try not to let yourself get wrapped up in too much hope while dating. It only leads to heartache OP, nothing in dating is guaranteed and we guys are full of shit while dating too. We'll say the sweetest things, treat you like a queen but at the end of the day only actions matter and the only action that matters is committing.
Time to dust yourself off, chalk this one down as another guy tried, tested and rejected, take a bit of time to bounce back and get right back out there and keep on dating.
OP I can only advise people on what works for me. For me finding someone to love is too dangerous a concept, I'm not so tough that I wouldn't be the same as you if that's how I approached dating, I probably would just give up because I'd get crushed all the time and that would wear me down.
S instead of looking for someone to love, I look for someone to date, to have casual fun with, to have some sex with, if that develops into more, awesome. If not, that's cool too, onto the next one.
Best of luck OP, this is not as bad as you think it is, you'll be fine. Try out my way though, try and get into the mindset of just dating for fun without searching for love. Try and see that the love you already in your life is enough and romance is just an added bonus. It really does hurt a lot less and frankly people who view it my way are generally more successful because we don't buy into people's words because we don't care about having them that much that we want to believe they're "the one".
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): Thanks for all the comments, except for Cerberus. Your opinions are always harsh and critical. I have so many things in my life besides this one guy. I love my friends and family, and I am in no way needy. It is only human to want to find somebody that you love, and the reason I am so upset is because this guy promised me a lot then didn't deliver, which confused me. I am not living in a movie whatsoever, I just found someone I got on with. When he said he didn't want to commit, I left him alone and respected his wishes. You should not comment on things if you are totally one sided and critical. You have completely judged me, my life and my relationship on that paragraph, and have been in no way subjective. I have been single more or less for 5 years and only date people I connect with. That is not a crime and does not make me needy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2013): By stop being desperate OP.
"I just realised that we only get one life and wanted to meet someone and be totally in love."
"then I have been looking for 'the one' I suppose."
OP movies may tell you that is some beautiful romantic thing but in real life those are the words of a woman who is desperate and unhappy without a man. Sure you can buy into the whole "that's normal, women are incomplete without a man" thing or you can stop being so desperate to find your one true love.
Why do I say all this? Because OP you're pinning all your hopes on any guy you really start to like as if he's your last chance at love and "the one". You keep getting crushed because of this when the reality is you were only seeing this guy and frankly you just assumed things would work out because of that. Some "it's meant to be" bullshit and sorry OP but it's not "luck" I don't know many men who would date a desperate romanticist.
I mean come on, what guy wants to be under that amount of pressure?
I mean even you don't like living with the pressure you're putting on yourself, you see him not being interested in you (if I wanted a relationship it would be you is a line we use to soften the blow OP, he really doesn't see you as relationship material) really dented your self belief, really has hurt you immensely but you played games with this guy for months hoping something would happen instead of just enjoying things and going with the flow. OP rejection stings, of course it does, but you take it so damn personally and like your chance is over.
Yes we only get one life but that life lasts about 90 years OP. Don't you have other things in your life that you enjoy, people that you love, things you want to achieve why is having a man so important? That it makes you so unhappy without one?
I mean we own you OP, you're our bitch because you can't live without us. That means we're free to use you and throw you away when we want, when we say and we can string you along and use you for fun and sex for a months because you give us so much importance in your life. You treat life a romantic movie then crash and burn when you realize it's not.
OP take this pressure of yourself, set yourself free from this burden you have imposed on yourself and just learn to put you at the top of your priorities. We don't want to be your solution, we don't want to fix your emptiness, we don't want a needy, desperate woman who will be crushed because she lives in a dream world. How can we ever compete with your version of the one? How can we ever trust we'll be good enough for you when you want Mr. Right?
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (23 April 2013):
 Well, leaving the country isn't the answer. You'd probably meet similar men wherever you went.
Perhaps next time you meet someone, don't immediately see him as a potential boyfriend. Take it slowly and try to get some sense of what he is like before you decide to date.
You might have just been unlucky in boys you have become interested in previously, but we don't know. I advise you to keep an open mind and be a little skeptical, and alert for anything that seems not to jibe with your aims and what you want - without being overly judgmental.
At 25 you still have plenty of time to meet "the one."
Good luck!
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