A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know where to begin. I feel empty inside. I don't have any friends and I've only been with a girl for like a month back when I was a freshman in college. Back when I was younger(I am 25 now), I use to blame all my problems on my identity as a Sikh (I do trim my beard, however) but as I've entered the real world, I've realized that it is not my identity that's the problem but it is me. I can't talk to people, I was unable to hold onto friends from high school and college and I am a failure at life. I find it hard to meet new people for partly because I don't go to bars, because I don't drink and no one in my family drinks and I feel like I have an obligation to behave in a manner that my family would expect. I have a desire to go out there and meet new people and make lasting friendships but the idea if rejection, the idea of saying or doing the wrong thing, the idea of standing out in the crowd as a Sikh scare the crap out of me and I don't know how to move on. I feel stuck and I would very much like your advice on how I can improve the quality of my life?
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 February 2014):
Go to counseling and work on your social anxiety. I don't know where you're from, but if you genuinely think you have to worry about standing out you may live in the wrong place.
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 I think to a certain extent we all experience this angst about fitting into society. It is not just limited to being Sikh or Muslim or Christian, Atheist, etc...so the first thing you must realize is that you are not alone in how you feel, and you'd be surprised how people from different cultures / faiths / races share what you feel. We are all trying to fit in. We are all trying to be what is considered to be "normal". I find that the easiest way to make friends is to find things that you share in common. You really should explore your hobbies and join groups or clubs, where you will meet people who share similar interests. Even if you meet one person that you click with, that's what it's all about. Then he / she will introduce you to their group of friends, and before you know it, your social network will expand. You must bear in mind that having a handful of very good friends is far better and more valuable than knowing hundreds of people who don't really care about you.
Another really good place to meet people is at work or school. Go to social events and just start talking to people, or just hang out at the bar sipping a soda and observe people. Someone may start talking to you:)
Don't be afraid to do things on your own. I met one of my best friends while traveling alone to Central America. She was in front of me in the line up at the hotel, and we just started chatting...many years later and I thank God everyday that I met her...so another suggestion would be to do your favourite things by yourself, and you'd be surprised by how many interesting people you would meet along the way.
I've also met some really good friends through online social media like facebook.
You can also tag along with family members to social events, if you feel shy about doing stuff by yourself.
The point is to get out there and meet people. Practice greeting people with a smile. People really respond well to that.
Being alone does not mean that you are a failure in life. It means that you are strong enough not to do stupid things just because you want to fit in. It is a strength, not a flaw.
Wear your Sikh identity with pride. It means that you have the unique experience of existing in two worlds at the same time (Eastern and Western). It means that your perspective on life is broad, and it makes you worldly, interesting and fascinating. People are naturally curious, and you'd be surprised how folks from other cultures will want to know more about what being a Sikh is like. They may ask questions about your turban or your customs. Be open and talk about it. This is the basis of friendships...talking about yourself and then finding commonalities with the person you are talking to.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 What's wrong with being a Sikh? Why are you behaving like there's a huge stigma attached to your identity and origin? Be proud of who you are OP and never, EVER feel guilty or ashamed of who you are or where you come from, because there cant ever be anything worse than that. It is THIS trait of your that is putting others off, more than anything else. I mean, no offence, I don't even know you, but from the one paragraph that you've written about yourself, you sound whiny and pathetic and I wouldn't even want to get to know you further. Do you know why? Because I think its absolutely sad and pathetic that you're ashamed of your beautiful and colorful heritage and that being who you are, actually "scares" you!! Come on!! You're kidding me!
No matter who you are or where you come from, be proud of yourself. Hold your head high. Smile. Laugh. Be pleasant. Forget all your silly fears and go out there. Make new friends. At the end of the day, your confidence and sense of peace with yourself matters more than anything else. THAT is what shines through when you interact with others; not the fact that you can smoke or drink or get high. You DO NOT need any of these things to make friends, you just need to be yourself, you need to be pleasant and you need to be comfortable with who you are. No apologies. No regrets.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2014): I get the impression you see yourself as an outcast because of your religion, but that is not the case, no one is actually an outcast, society has given people certain roles to play and people stick to them purely because it is what we know. The best thing for you to do is make your own path, I am not suggesting you go against your family, that is not what I mean. All I am saying is that you don't have to drink to go and sit in a bar, you could have a coke or something. I don't drink but it's nice to go somewhere a little different every once in a while and relax with a lemonade or whatever. Try different clubs and stuff like that. Find a hobby and research for something on the internet to go to so you can meet new people. You don't have to go crazy with meeting new people, just be yourself and chat to someone new when you meet them. Believe it or not, just saying hi to people can really make a difference. I know it might sound stupid, but when you're walking down the street, if someone looks upset or lonely, just say hi, you don't have to stand and talk. To improve my confidence, I used this same technique before uni, if I was in the supermarket, instead of saying to a friend that I liked a stranger's dress, I actually walked over and said it to their face. Not only does it make you feel more confident but something like that can brighten someone's day. Literally just go out there and talk to anyone and everyone, don't think about your religion or your culture and don't be negative towards yourself. Always think positively. You've made it this far in your life so you can't possibly be a failure! :)
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