A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Did I do the right think in breaking up?I'm sorry this is a long message, but just would like some clarity....I have been from the very start, on-edge, wondering what he thinks/feels, hes not a very open person. but i chose to date him because he was different, he wasn't arrogant and with a massive ego and was interesting, i was intrigued, but i never imagined i was his type. we knew each other for a while before we dated through friends. then about 5 months after dating i had to ask him what are we because he would never talk about it/us. And i didnt know from week to week if we'd wanna meet up or not. He has a lot of female friends, and i did think about this, is this something i'll be fine with and though well i will if he is honest with me and he seemed that way, so i gave it a go. And in the first few months he gave me nothing to worry about.but things started to frustrate me, he wasnt including me hardly in group catch ups, i didnt feel welcome to go along, and when i asked i got not good enough answers ie' the girls dont like so and so's gf, so no partners allowed' (the girls are all single) and things like he'd go to houses, go clubbing go back to house and drink more, then sleep over. (with majority girls) his friends were the girls but there would be one or two other guys, not his friends.so i set my boundary because i was sick worrying all weekend when i was wondering what he was doing and if he would stay 'i knew he would stay' then when he called me the next night and said he stayed when i asked, my heart sank.so i sat and talked with him about all of the above. he said he kind of agrees, but i should trust him, but he will take it into account and put it into action.one group in particular i was uncomfortable with, the rest i felt at ease with, but this one group of girls, all about 4/5 years younger than him, and in particular one girl in that group, because he would mention her all the time when we went places, and it started eating at me every time he brought her name up, cos it sounded like he was talking about an ex gf or something, girl and i used to sit in pug gardens and chat all day, we used to go here all the time, we did everything together ya ya ya ya. So he got a text one day from her and pulled his phone out of my view, so all of this made me feel sick with worry, so yes when he went shower i took a look because i just wanted to know once and for all.there were some uncomfortable messages, nothing substantial, but he told her he was naked once and she said thanks for that image and he said you know you love it, along with calling her gizz guzzler and rug muncher, and of the like, and she calls him poons. (all sounds quite immature to me)so he invited me to a dinner party of hers, i said ok but i also said i feel slightly anxious. during the day i was dreading it coming. it came before we went i got stressed, we chatted and i started crying. i said i hate feeling like this, its ridiculous im so uncomfortable to go to a dinner party. i really hated it but whats more i didnt know why i was like it, apart from all of the above making me feel insecure and not trusting him. we chatted =, he said lets no go, lets meet them one by one slowly, start from scratch, i thought that sounds good, but it got a bit tense and negative again, and we got talking about why im not trusting him, and went over the above stuff, and i knowing these texts, i said if i have nothing to worry about would you mind showing me how you relate to eachother in text messages, so he got his phone and when we hit those texts i mentioned earlier, he threw his phones, and said you know what this is over im not doing this. its my friend thats how we banter, you dont trust me. and pretty much opened the door, and i walked out.Ive not been cheated on in the past, so its not like im carrying any baggage, i genuinely felt really uncomfortable about that group and specifically that girl. we havent spoken since but im wondering if we were quick to conclude or if i have done the right thing? I dont know if its because it hasn't sunk in, but i havent been upset yet, slightly relaxed if anything. just bewildered because it was there, now its gone.
View related questions:
clubbing, ex girlfriend, immature, insecure, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says he doesnt mind me doing all these things though. Has never stopped me. I can do whatever I like because he trusts me. Eventually I know if I pushed it - he would eat up inside. He said he has a jealous side but keeps it wrapped up and never shows it. I think he is confusing jealousy with establishing boundaries maybe?
He is not envoking these rules on me, because he knows it would be double standards.
I think i need to sit down with him and lay it out all out flat. I cannot imagine from my point of view, he would seriously give up a relationship so he can have sexual banter with a friend. I don't think he is seeing what I am seeing? He is thinking probably i am being daft and i dont want him to have female friends because i dont trust him with them. I need him to understand what i am saying clearly. Once he understands and perhaps if he still stands his ground about continuing such banter because its that dear to his heart, then i will gladly walk away.
Until I know this is the case, I think I will always wonder if i did the right thing?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 June 2012):
 I think he is playing a severe double standard. If HE can text,talk/hang out with HIS female friends and you should "just" trust him, then you should be able to do the same.
Seems like he expects things from you that he wouldn't do himself, not really fair is it?
Makes the relationship rather uneven.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would never ask him to give up his friends, but i have rules like, not staying at houses, see them at decent times, (ie not get hammered together just two of them, and inlcude me a little more, i understand he needs friends time, I do. I have friends too, but I manage them well.
He said he is a jealous person, but wont subject me to it, so he gets problems with guy friends of mine? But I wouldnt go stay at houses unless i called him and let him know if theres some situation why i cant get home.
When I am out with my make friends, he gets very uneasy and clingy with me. Doesnt leave my side infact?
His friends are friends from a long time ago, not randoms. And i was getting comfortable with it, except this one friend, which threw me when i looked in his phone.
But I need to freshen myself up and think about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 June 2012):
 I think he is just disgusting. You can trust that he's not going to put his penis in his vagina but he will do everything else as suggestive and tempting. When you are with him you don't even get quality time because he's so busy flirting with other girls. I really think he's only with you because attached guys are more of a challenge and immature girls feel the glory when they can snatch away your man and cause you jealousy. I think this is your role in his life. Kind of sick, eh? You were already broken up. You should just block him, erase him and feel glad that you didn't put your whole heart in it. You only gave it a go, you never said he is the one.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 June 2012):
I guess what it comes down to is trust. DO you trust him or not? I don't think you do.
He obviously isn't going to give up all his female friends (and personally I don't think he should). I think the idea of you meeting them one by one was a really good opening from him.
I think he felt you were never going to trust him, no matter what he did.
As for him constantly texting all these female, well I don't blame you for not liking it. However, it is part of who he is. He is a guy who seems to get on with girls a lot better then guys, hence all the female friends.
Take a few days. See how you feel. He might be a great guy, but not the right guy for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (16 June 2012):
 I have thought about your post for a long time and can really give you no advice other than my experience. My husband has a lot of female friends that he texts and talks to on the phone which makes me feel very uncomfortable and insecure. Before we got married I explained to him that I didn't trust the other ladies motives and that I would like it to stop. I too would check his phone but realised that he talked to most of the women when he is in his car. My husband really disliked me asking him to stop and really held it against me saying that he knew how to conduct himself in a relationship and that these women were just friends. This dug deeply into my insecurities and created literally hundreds of rows. My husband deeply disliked me telling him what to do and although the word was never said he obviously thought that I was trying to control him. He told me that he was capable of making his own decisions and conducting himself properly but the friendliness of his calls and chats with other women did not diminish.
I think you are either the kind of woman who is enormously secure and can take all of this kind of thing in your stride or you are not. I am nearly 50 and I cannot take things like this in my stride. I too would have been unable to attend the dinner party you mention as I also suffer from social anxiety and being in the company of someone I am suspicious of would have been too much for me.
All I can say is that you cannot make someone do anything they don't want to do and men like this will continue talking to,emailing,texting,facebooking and seeing their female friends whether you like it or not and if you try to stop it they will begin to deeply resent you and see you as insecure but without any sympathy or understanding. It does boil down to what you personally can put up with. If you are an insecure somewhat jealous type then you will find it very emotionally upsetting being with a man who has numerous female friends and it is probably better being in a realtionship with a man who views things more along your lines or otherwise you are constantly going to keep being upset and driving him insane by being teraful, upset and as they would see it 'difficult'. From your post I think you did the right thing. I don't actually know any women who like their boyfriend/ partner/ husband to have close female friends and no one I know likes their husband texting other women. I would have a break from this chap for a while and see if you feel calmer about this after a while and see if you can feel you can rise above it as he is not going to stop seeing or chatting to these other women.
...............................
|
