A
female
age
36-40,
*izzyLizzy
writes:Hi, sorry this is going to be a looong one. I have been with a guy off and on since I was sixteen. At first everything was great and my family life was horrible at home so the day I turned 18 I moved in with him. Then, I ended up pregnant. We were happy, so I thought anyway, but after my son was born things were not so "wonderful." He couldn't keep a job, I was paying the bills, he was lying all the time and then accusing me of cheating on him. We broke up off and on but ended up back together. Then when my son was a year and a half I found out thru a child support letter that he had cheated on me with a friend while I was pregnant and he was supposedly "job searching" and he ended up getting her pregnant. So, not only had he been lying to me for the last year and a half, but he also had another son that I had no idea about. So, I left, we filed 50/50 custody and life went on. We ended up trying to work things out hoping we could get passed the past and move on because I still loved him and it seemed that he still loved me. We ended up planning to get pregnant and I did, with our second son. Then it started all over again. He was working on the road and would come home with girls numbers and deny it and blame it on co-workers, texting girls on his phone, always being so cautious and secretive about anything and everything, he wouldn't even let me touch his phone and then he started going out every night and shutting it off and not coming home and then would fight with me when he came back bc I was a controlling bitch apparently...? Anyway, he left 2 weeks b4 our second son was born and has never lifted a finger to help me or support me (he didn't even attempt to while we were together). And this is the part that aggravates me the worst...After all of this I still love him and get aggravated over other girls that he is with and just out right stupid things that I should really just let go. Everyone is telling me I should just get over it and stop caring about him, especially after all the obscene things that he has done to me. I know this is true in my head but my heart is still allowing me to feel those feelings and be soooo angry. I guess I am dealing with false hope in wishing that one day he will change and be a good husband and father, but I know deep down that it would have happend already and if he was truly sorry for it all then history would not be repeating itself. On top of all that I thought that I had a good relationship with his mother (since my mother and I did not) but now I can see it was just to keep tabs on me and manipulate me and defend her "precious little boy." He's twenty-six and still living with her and using her money and credit cards and not holding down jobs and is allowing her to pay his bills and she is enabling him to be the way that his is and never change his ways. Where do I go from here? Why do I have these feelings? Why won't they stop? It's been almost 9 months and I am really ready to move on, but when I am anywhere near him I can feel the anger and hurt rising and then end up questioning if I am still in love with him. Unfortunately we live in a small town and I can't escape at the current moment. I am even in counseling, but am still having trouble with these issues. I was just wondering if anyone had any more helpful advice as to why I feel this way and what I can do to control it and eventually let go? Thank you soo much.
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female
reader, pebs +, writes (7 January 2010):
I went through something very similar as a young woman I too had two boys by a man(I use the term loosely)who repeatedly abused my good nature, I look back now and realize that I was looking for the fairy tale who dosen't want that? Boy I sure did and I was willing to do or give up just about anything to achive that goal. and boy did i. I know now that I was giving away everything that makes me me, and who wants someone who has no spine, no spirit, no anything because they gave it all away. The beautiful part is, you can take it all back, yep all of it! Do me a favor and ask yourself are you in love with him or the idea of him? Does he fit in the fairy tale? I doubt it! This is how i got over my (man?)1st- give yourself a time frame in which to cry/grieve even though you already have I'm sure I choose 3days and then be done. NO MORE TEARS EVER THATS ENOUGH!2nd- Thank him for giving you two beautiful boys, they will surely give you many years of laughter and joy. What a gift! Don't hate him thats a waste of energy, Don't love him he is a user, even his mother knows that but will never admit it. How should you feel towards him NOTHING HIM!3rd- We all no matter what our circumstances have millions of reasons to be thankful. (go to a childrens hospital and ask folks why they are there) get my meaning?4- Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and figure out what it is that you want, and when you decide, DO NOT! under any circumstance let any man distract you from your goal. Any man who is worthy of you will understand and wait for you to achive your goal. and praise you for your perseverience.5- Lead by example your kids are watching even young babies get it! Never underestimate your children no matter the age.Best wishes to you and your journey in this wonderful life
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): It sounds like your already on the road to a better place for you and your children. If you have a down day or are starting to doubt your decision to keep out of your destructive relationship, come back onto this website and re-read your reply and then you will know you are doing the best possible thing by not having this man in your heart or your life.
Godd luck for your future x x
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A
female
reader, DizzyLizzy +, writes (11 August 2009):
DizzyLizzy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your replies everyone. I spoke to his grandmother today and she told me that his grandfather did/does the same thing to her. She is 63 and when their son passed away in February he came here and tried to tell her he loved her and wanted to move back eventhough he is MARRIED to another woman and has been for over ten years. He had children outside of his and her marriage also. The fact that she is this old and he is still doing it makes me soo sad...she is not remarried,she has moved on but what if that ends up to be me? I definately don't want to be 63 and still waiting on him to change or to still love him really in ANY way. I would be dating right now but I don't want to move on for someone else...I want to be able to move on for me and for the sake of my children. I am starting school next week and I work part time and with the kids...I am hoping that my focus will be within everything else and not on him. I want to succeed because I want him to hurt and I want him to realize what he could have had. But I know that I need to change that attitude and make it about me and the kids. For once in my life I can be selfish, and I think I have a right to be. Some days are good and some days are bad...but I know that in order to get through this I have to remain strong...if I don't I will only end up lower than I am now. Thanks for all your replies. Please respond if you would like, I will take all the advice I can get :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): For him to cheat on you more than once means that he is not deeply in love with you. I believe that when you're in love with someone you would not do anything to hurt that person and cheating on them would not only hurt them but also jeopardise your relationship. He has done this several times which means he dont care about your feelings. I know that you love him with all your heart but you should not want to settle for less. You are young and there are so many decent men out there. You have two beautiful kids, you dont need all that stress in your life. It will be painful to leave but eventually you will forget about him and move on. Why dont you start dating again. Go out with friends as well to keep yourself occupied. Take the kids out and have fun. You dont want to live a life where you're insecure all the time. You want the person you love to love you and not every other woman he see. Good luck X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): You gave him a chance to change for the sake of your relationship and he continued to act badly towards you. If he truly loved you & respected you he wouldn't treat you or your Children like he does. I guess your scared of moving on as you have children by him, but for your own long term peace and happiness you are better shutting the door on that relationship and just having contact to arrange childcare. I know it's easier said than done to give up on a relationship, but it sounds like he already has. Good Luck for the future x
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A
female
reader, cherry cherry boom boom +, writes (9 August 2009):
The only reson why your feeling this way is that you have a child. If you didn't have a child I sware you would be done already. Do you want your son to be around some one like that but then agin he is the father. Just remind your child everyday to grow up to be respectful to girls. The more you love your child the less you will love your ex. This ya girl, peace.
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