A
male
age
41-50,
*hane Mc
writes:Hi there,Unfortunately, I never expected (or hoped) to have to ever write something like this..However, I have found out today that after months of fearing the worst, my wife told me that she has been having an affair and I believe the only reason she has now chosen to confess is because I was extremely close to finding out anyway.I cannot explain how I feel at this point just numb. I simply do not know what to do now. My wife and I have been together now for 8 years (4 years married) We met when we were 21 and she is the one and only girl I have ever been with in my whole life. This could not have happened at a worse time, as I was finally coming round to the idea of starting a family together and now all of this seems just so far away again, I am absolutely devastated.Of course, there is a lot more to tell here concerning both of us which needs considering but I am conscious of drawing this question out too long!Therefore, please feel free to ask other questions, so you may be able to help me further. The sad truth is I have absolutely nobody else I feel I can talk to and now I am beginning to feel extremely lonely... :oAny help or advice you have would be extremely appreciated.Thank you
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 March 2008):
 Seek out a lawyer first of all. Divorces are NEVER easy and this ones most certainly ain't going to be pretty.
You can let her walk all over you OR you can finally make a stand for yourselve and make sure the divorce is done in your favor. Remember, she is the party at fault and is unlikely to want it all to have to come out. So set your terms, set them high and stop being a nice guy... scratch that, stop being a wimp.
Can't hate her? That doesn't make you a nice guy, that makes you a wuss. It sounds like you have been a doormat in your relationship and women don't like that at all, well show her that this doormat had a beartrap underneath it.
But hey, we all grief in our own way. Personally I think revenge is dish best served continuously in large portions, you may be different.
But I would stay away from the other man and his mother, it is not going to solve anything and you are just mis-directing your anger.
Only use them as pressure for her to accept your terms. If she doesn't it all comes out in open court and she will be exposed for what she is.
But this is going to be bitter, it is going to be messy and it is going to hurt.
A
male
reader, Shane Mc +, writes (22 March 2008):
Shane Mc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys, sorry it's been a few day's since an update.
Thank you again for all of your support and advice, it means a lot to me. :)
As you can imagine, the last few days have been a rollercoaster of emotions. We have been through everything together and in all the gory detail and the truth is I may have started to accept things and thought maybe we can get through this...however, that is until now!
You see it's like 6 in the morning as I type this and all I can feel at this moment is anger. Anger at the fact she has done this, anger that she does not have any regrets to what she has done, anger that she can't promise me she won't do this again, anger that she doesn't really see that's she done anything wrong but worst of all, anger that she's more worried about other people finding out for her own shame, but worst of all this, anger for the fact she hasn't even properly apologised to me.
I now feel I have no choice but to confront this "other guy" and have it out with him. I am not talking about punching the guy's lights out as I am bigger than that and I would probably end up being in more trouble than him! I do want to ruin him though, I want to destroy his new precious relationship (the relationship that I have since found out was the reason for him finishing things with my wife) I want to destroy his relationship with his own mother (the mother that has acted like a mother/best friend to my wife and who although suspicious, does not know). I just want him to feel exactly how I do to be left with nothing and to wonder why, I want him to suffer!
As for my wife, I cannot hate her as a person, but I hate what she has become from all of this. Her whole attitude absolutely stinks about this. She say's she does not want to leave me because she feels safe! She said she did what she did because of her feelings for this other guy, the "feelings" she say's no matter how long we stay together for, she cannot and never has had for me. The fact being that she cannot lose all her iniherbitons with her own husband, but she can so easily with this other guy and do stuff you never would be able to dream of doing without so much as a second thought, the feeling of lust.
This above anything else, is what makes me feel absolutely sick to the pit of my stomach and something I do not think I can ever accept, as it would mean only one thing, I would have to stay with this woman for the rest of my life, always knowing that she would never truly be sexually attracted to me and that there is always the chance she could do this to me all over again. I hope whoever reads this can understand what I am about to type... Good sex in a relationship means far more to me than anything else, I know that sounds really selfish but the reason I say this is because 8 years ago I made a HUGE commitment to this woman. I was a virgin when I met my wife and I told her that, she was always so incredibly sweet and caring about it which made me fall head over heels in love with her so quickly I proposed within a year. I didn't care that I was committing myself to her for the rest of our lives, because I thought I had found the girl of my dreams at the first try!
Like I said before, I was so close to coming around to the idea of starting a family with her, which would have been a completely new chapter in our lives, but this affair has ruined everything.
The last thing I want now is a bitter break up, I am just not that kind of guy. What should I do now?
I guess it really is true what they say, nice guys ALWAYS finish last... :(
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A
female
reader, Cypress  +, writes (21 March 2008):
I know that you are going through a difficult situation. The bad news is that your wife is cheating. The good news is that you really have no real commitments to her other than may be finances - in other words....no children. After reading your post it appears that you are in your late 20's and have so much more to life ahead of you. Believe you me I am 38 and it only gets better. My advice is to leave - move on and eventually you will find someone else who you can trust and start a family with. There are so many women out there looking for the right man. The previous post from "D" he's right....you will always wonder, checking cell phones, etc......I'm doing that right now with my husband of 14 years and we have 3 younng children - trust me it sucks. I know its easy for me to sit here and say to move on but its probably best for your emotional stability. Good luck - there is someone out there for you - don't give up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Here's a bit of advice from a guy who married a serial cheater. The first affair is usually accompanied by new hair do's, fancy clothes, and a general air of happiness and well being. The cheater, usually, also has some emotional attatchment (they think they are falling in love)After being caught, all subsequent encounters are more of a sexual nature and little evidence is left behind, my ex even resorted to phoning from public telephone boxes, going out in scruffy clothes etc, anything to fox you into thinking things were o.k.My advice would be to get someone new. The thought of this will never leave you. You will be checking phones, email, car mileage. Sitting at home checking the watch for what time she said she would be home. Believe me its a nightmare.The only way to trust this person now is blind trust and thats paramount to closing your eyes and crossing your fingers.Good luck I wished a could sit you down for a beer and a chat. i feel for you.D
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): (I am the same Anon as the last answer. I just read your additional post in the responses column.)
Some affairs are likely to be healed. This does not sound like one of them to me.
This sounds like a woman who has lost sexual interest in you a long time ago.
And I don't hear any real remorse on her part. Maybe she thinks her strong attraction to him justified her actions, or maybe she just thinks the attraction means she wasn't really responsible for her actions. Or maybe she thinks her actions would have been wrong if she wasn't so out of sexual interest with you. It's most likely a combination of all these feelings.
Either way, same difference. It sounds like deep down she doesn't really think she did anything wrong. To her it's mainly just a problem becuase she got caught.
This does not sound like the right building blocks for a decent relationship to continue on. If I were you, I would be starting to think very hard about splitting with her.
GET YOUR LEGAL PAPERWORK IN ORDER. And if you can, try to get some kind of paperwork proof of her cheating, or at least get a third party to hear her admit to it. If she can justify cheating on you this well to herself, then watch out for her get pretty self-interested when it comes to splitting up the assets.
This could get ugly. Being cheated on is bad, but being cheated on and then having your assets stolen when you try to split with her is even worse. Do your homework and don't get taken.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): My advice is don't do anything impulsive right now.
Don't even think about going out and sleeping with someone else, no matter how much the recent events might technically justify doing it.
Whether your first impulse is to forgive your wife and try to patch things up, or whether you first impulse is to tell the bitch to go to hell and never come back, hold off for at least another week or two.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Try to think of it like this. Where do your boundaries lie. Is it acceptable behaviour for you.
There really is no grey area here. If you decide to let it go, then you have no boundaries regarding this. If you decide its unaceptable you have to terminate the relationship. Thats it in a nut shell, ignore the rhetoric.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): The worst thing you can do is think you will be a strong man by forgiving her. In your eyes you will think youve earned a million brownie points, sorry but it doesn't work like that. You get 1 point the same, no more, than the guy that bought her the beer. Also gradually you will be drip fed why it was your fault she cheated. I would get out whilst youve got youth on your side. If you decide to stay and have kids get them DNA tested, ive learned the hard way never to trust a cheater.
good luck
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A
female
reader, bebe010405 +, writes (20 March 2008):
wow you seem like a sweet guy i had the same problem but i was with him for 4 years the first time i caught him i was 3 months pregnant with our baby and well i gave him another chance the second time was right after our babys 1st bday like 3 days later and well stupid ol me gave him yet another chance and well this last time i caught him with my sister and found out that there were 2 other girls that i didn't find out about so no i dont think you should stay with her once a cheater always a cheater sorry but you'll be much better off
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (20 March 2008):
So what now. Well, what does she want? You tell us little of her attitude towards you or indeed your relationship. Low sex-drive? Could be, you could also be a lousy lover. Not trying to hurt you, just saying details are extremely important if you want accurate advice.
So, does she want another chance or is the marriage over as far as she is concerned.
Right now you are hurting but can you see yourselve accepting that this has happened and go on together? If a person cheats they rarely stop especially if they remain with the same person. Afterall, the will face temptation again and KNOW they got away with it once. She doesn't even mention dis-satisfaction with her marriage, just 'oh I fancied this guy so I slept with him'?
If you are still with her, especially sexually, get her tested for STD's and don't take her word for the result, check it yourselve. This is the affair you found out about. How many more are there?
Ah yes, that is the trick isn't it. Once a person has proven to be untrustworthy, you can trust nothing about that person. Once lost trust is almost impossible to rebuild. IF you continue with her it can never again be a trusting relationship, it can only go on if you can life with the possibility of her cheating over and over. Few people can.
Is she worth the pain? You know her, I don't.
If she isn't, if the 8 years weren't worth what you feel right now, then the marriage can't go on.
Contact a lawyer to find out what your options are for divorce, remember she is the party at fault, so the settlement should favor you. Don't wait to long with this, you don't want her to file for divorce instead and deny the whole thing. If you got evidence all the better, at least be glad there are no kids involved (make sure you don't make one now).
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A
male
reader, Shane Mc +, writes (20 March 2008):
Shane Mc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thank you so much for your prompt response and your kind words and advice.
In answer to your questions;
She said her reason for having the affair was she had always had feelings for this other guy (going as far back as 5 years!) but never acted on them. However, she bumped into him whilst out with her friends last August they had a few drinks, shared a cab home and then ended up kissing each other before going their separate way's. Now, I can forgive her for something like that, however, it was not long after that she said they met and actually had sex. She then admits that this then continued to happen at least on another 3 occasion's, the last time being January. She claims she was so flattered that he would be interested in her that she simply could not help herself! Although, she clearly planned exactly when/where they could meet.
The other thing I should mention at this stage is, that my wife has always had a very low sex drive and I have had a very high sex drive. As mentioned before, my wife is the one and only partner I have ever had. So, this has always been a constant frustration for me, to be fair to her she has tried to put more effort in for the good of our relationship, but it has always felt more like a chore just to keep me happy, rather than both of us enjoying the time together.
So, as you can imagine, it absolutely repulses me to think how she can enjoy herself so much and let go of all her inhibitions with another guy so easily!
Sorry, I realise I am rambling again, but I feel you guys should know everything, so you can digest a bit at a time and hopefully try and get through this whatever the outcome...
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A
male
reader, Shane Mc +, writes (20 March 2008):
Shane Mc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thank you so much for your prompt response and your kind words and advice.
In answer to your questions;
She said her reason for having the affair was she had always had feelings for this other guy (going as far back as 5 years!) but never acted on them. However, she bumped into him whilst out with her friends last August they had a few drinks, shared a cab home and then ended up kissing each other before going their separate way's. Now, I can forgive her for something like that, however, it was not long after that she said they met and actually had sex. She then admits that this then continued to happen at least on another 3 occasion's, the last time being January. She claims she was so flattered that he would be interested in her that she simply could not help herself! Although, she clearly planned exactly when/where they could meet.
The other thing I should mention at this stage is, that my wife has always had a very low sex drive and I have had a very high sex drive. As mentioned before, my wife is the one and only partner I have ever had. So, this has always been a constant frustration for me, to be fair to her she has tried to put more effort in for the good of our relationship, but it has always felt more like a chore just to keep me happy, rather than both of us enjoying the time together.
So, as you can imagine, it absolutely repulses me to think how she can enjoy herself so much and let go of all her inhibitions with another guy so easily!
Sorry, I realise I am rambling again, but I feel you guys should know everything, so you can digest a bit at a time and hopefully try and get through this whatever the outcome...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): Hi there. I'm so sorry to hear this! Dont feel lonely, we are here for you! Did she give you a reason as to why she cheated? Communication & honesty at this point is very crucial, especially on her end. And from there see if your relationship is worth to be saved.
Just an FYI, I know EXACTLY what you're going through. My fiance of 2 years (together for 7 years) cheated on me too. I found out couple of months ago on my own. He never even told me! The 'other' girl started torturing me by calling me and basically wanting me out. But that's not the worst of it all...she is now pregnant. My fiance really didnt deny that the baby is his. It seems as he wants it to be his child not caring what he did to me. He did say he was sorry and that he loves me. But he was just a jerk to me who treated me badly even before all of this went down and i had to get out. I left him. It was very hard for me but i had to do this for me and for my happiness & safety in the long run. Till this day after 4-5 months, he still contacts me saying he loves me and wants to be with me not her.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. It must be even hard to see her everyday and try to live your lives. Do what is the best thing for you. You dont want her to keep doing this to you. If you do take her back she will think its ok to do it again and hurt you. Because she knows she will run back to you as her 'safety'. You sound like a strong man and you will get through this! I know...I was told the same thing just months ago and I ignored it and said 'yeah right, what do you know?!' But I am still going through it and its making me stronger and I dont need a guy to put me down and hurt me in my life. You are worth more than that!
Hugsss!!!
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A
female
reader, Bean317 +, writes (19 March 2008):
Ouch, I guess a lot of the outcome depends on the type of affair, just physical or has she fallen for someone else. And before progressing you need to know if you're willing to work through this or not. Then you need to have a talk with her and figure things out. Where is she, does she even want to continue and if you guys can fix things. There's really no simple solution and I really feel for you. Please keep in mind though that if you do work through it and agree to forgive, I know you can't forget but you can't dwell or hold it against her forever. My father had an affair and my mother has held it over his head and it ruined my oldest sister and my dad is just miserable because 20 years later my mom still throws the guilt in his face, regardless of what they argue over. I really wish you luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): Your young enough to start again. You have no children thats good. Do your grieving take your time and get back out there.
My first wife had an affair within first year of marriage, then second affair 13 years later, by then i had three kids. I left and it broke my heart. Now i've met someone new and things are good.
I wouldn't recomend second chances.
Take care D
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