A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on this! The anger is currently boiling up inside.My parents have never had much time for me - especially when my sister's around. Despite having criminal charges, doing drugs etc, she can do NO wrong in their eyes.I'm what I would confidentally describe as the model daughter - I've never given them a minute's worry in my entire life. Never told a lie.. never gotten sick from alcohol etc.. Yet my parents treat me like I'm some kind of unwanted tresspasser in their lives.Yesterday, when we were opening our Christmas presents, my sister bought my parents a picture of herself. They were absolutely over the moon. They rushed down to the storage cupboard to get the measuring tape to hang it on the wall etc.Any gift I'VE ever bought my parents is still sitting either in the storage cupboard, still sealed, or in the garage. They claim they 'don't have room for it'.Yesterday's Christmas gift to them was no exception. I bought them a slow cooker. They opened it, dad muttered, "I don't know how to use one of these". And that was that. All the other presents either got worn or used.. and were taken from under the tree, while my slow cooker just sat there, in the same place it was when it was opened. It's still sealed now, a day later.Twenty minutes after they got the gift, dad asked me for the receipt. He said he wanted to exchange it and by my mother a dinner set. I asked him what he was going to tell my mother, but he said he'd tell her he put it in the cupboard and she'd never know.Later in the day, he had mentioned to her he wanted to buy a dinner set and take the gift back and she came to me and said she thought it was a better gift idea. I was upset and gave them back the disgusting, cheap clothes they'd bought me (that I pretended to adore) and took back my cooker. I would've loved someone to buy a cooker for me.. and it cost me an arm and a leg!I feel so irrelevant, unloved and unimportant in my family. I don't feel they care about me in the slightest. They just put up with me. I was so upset, I went and saw my boyfriend, told him everything and ended up of course ruining his Christmas while I was in tears :(Can someone tell me what they think of the above situation? Would you be upset if this happened to you? Can you think back to your parents treating you like this? Is it normal?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): Well, I hope you don't mind, but I thought I would chime in on the parent side of this, in hopes that it could help you to understand. My daughter is only 13 right now, but she and I seemed to have always had a really rocky relationship. I have 4 children, she is my 3rd, and from the time she was about two, I noticed as well as everyone else in the family how strong and independent she was. She wanted no help walking, eating, or toilet training (she potty trained herself at 1 1/2 when the youngest daughter came along). From about that time forward, she just took everything on herself, but because she was so mature for her age, and seemed so well adapted to her surroundings, I trusted that she would be okay. The older two (boys) were always getting into trouble at home and school, the oldest has bi-polar, the second boy has emotional issues stemming from some things that happened during a short time he stayed with his father. So, both boys had to be in counseling every week. The baby girl has always been really clingy and needy and seems to always need me around, so I appease her. With my oldest daughter, she just seemed to always have everything under control, but to a point that she thought she didn't need discipline, or guidance I guess, so she was always ill with me, and I took that as defiance and her just not liking me very much. She never came to talk to me about things, and that could partly be because of her independent nature, but also because I was always so busy with the other 3 that she thought I didn't have time for her. I on the other hand felt she didn't have time for me and because she is so darn independent, didn't need me. Then she developed a habit of cutting herself. Thank God that only lasted a very short time, but I knew nothing of it. She confided in her older brother, who then, out of worry, came to me about it. She still wants nothing to do with me for the most part, and fights going to counseling with a vengeance, but she does talk to me now and I have seen the error of my ways. We will probably never be close, and that is my fault, but I am trying to fix it now, I just need her to stop pushing me away. But at the same time, the other children are still here and still need me. See, in the end, parents LOVE their children equally, but they respond to NEED more ferociously. Your sister sounds very fragile, even if it is only of her own doing. You on the other hand, seem to have it together emotionally, otherwise you may not have been able to deal for so long. Maybe they figured u no longer NEEDED them, but just assumed they loved u adequately and did a better job raising you, so ur good to go so to speak...now it's time to "fix" her. The gifts issue, maybe it's their way of doting on her, thinking the more praise they give her, the better she will recover. And you, like my daughter, have gotten lost in the shuffle. Maybe you should sit them down when ur sister is not around and explain your FEELINGS. Don't make accusations or assumptions, just ask that they listen to how you feel. They need to know, just like I did, that u still need parents, no matter how "squared away" u may seem.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): So, your mother grew up in a disturbed environment, that has make her so irritable. And as a understandable consequence she is making your father's time difficult since their marriage. . I am starting to think that your sister's depressive illness and eating disorder, law breaking all these have occured due to the stress and dis-harmony at your home (luckily you overcame the environment). .now to cope with it your parents are trying to make amends..may be they think giving her attention and bullying you would keep her normal. .but they are forgetting that you too have a limit. . .you know life isn't a fairy tale.so stop waiting for the day when everything will become normal on it's own. . So stand up and take some action. either you do what abella told you OR take your sister and mother to a counselor or psychiatrist. . . Wish you best of luck. . .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): Watchout,
In answer to your questions:
-why your father does not want you to marry. .
I assume because he lives in a sham of a marriage with my mother.. who continuously complains she can't live the life she wants because my parents are quite broke at the moment. She doesn't want to have to work and my dad's business is struggling, so she blames him for giving up his high-powered corporate job for a better lifestyle. No one could've known what would happen to the economy, so I feel sorry for him in that respect.
Plus, my mother is a master manipulator and will regularly vent her aggression at my father if I'm not around. He won't leave her and has admitted to me it's because he'll "have to sell the house he worked so hard for". I assume this is why he's so anti-marriage. But when your parents are so against it.. I keep thinking, how can the day ever be a special one? Only if I didn't ask them at all.. and I'd just spend the day feeling guilty if I didn't :( I guess I keep waiting for all this to just disappear one day and for them to go back to the way they once were. But that's fairy tale thinking.
-Were your parents always like this, or they became after some incidence or stress. . .
My parents used to be normal. Well, my mother has always been a manipulative control freak who is completely incapable of saying the word 'sorry' to anyone. She grew up in a tormented house with mentally ill family members, so I always try to remind myself of that and try NOT to hate her.
My parents were relatively just your normal moody people, until my sister got sick and they changed completely. Their extreme worry changed to full denial.. and they decided if they kiss my sister's butt everytime they see her and wait on her hand and foot, lavish her with undivided attention, smile and watch while she steals their money in front of them.. they'll be no dramas.. and it worked! My sister wants me to disappear, because she's extremely possessive of my parents and when I'm around she would have to share the attention, which doesn't work for her. So now, everyone just ignores me or uses me as their scapegoat when they're feeling upset. Works for the family and I guess I wasn't very important to them anyway.
If I tell them something they did that upset me, they just tell me to get out of their face and they stop talking to me COMPLETELY for weeks.
I can't imagine what it's like having normal parents. Playing all these games gets so tiring.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): I am very very sorry for you. I can't imagine what kind of parents would do such a thing. It's really really qruel. You know, if i were you i would not have been able to stay with them. I must say you have a very good level of patience. . .
May be you should try to find out
-why your father does not want you to marry. .
-Were your parents always like this, or they became after some incidence or stress. . .
Hope you will find a way out. . .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): Abella & Lazyguy,
Thank you SO much for your heartfelt advice. Although this is only ONE (eventually I will feel) petty incident, it does cut like a knife.. and I would refer to my parents as BULLIES. Bullying is a series of HUNDREDS of petty things like this, guaranteed to destroy every bit of self worth. I've dealt with this.. but a hundred times worse.. for the past eight years.
Abella, I truely appreciate the time you took to send me such a wonderfully long and articulate response. You've hit the nail on the head a million times in your post. Sadly, I'm assuming you've been through something similar OR you are just incredibly empathatic. Thank you so much. It felt great to know you both understood what was happening so well.
Lazyguy, yes you make a valid point about my getting 'daddy's approval' with men. I am lucky enough to be blessed with a fantastic boyfriend who sort of reminds me of how my dad ONCE was, before the weight of the world and my sister's depressive illness and eating disorder crushed his spirits and caused him to become deeply bitter about life. I HAVE always wanted my dad's approval though.. and haven't moved forward in my relationship because I guess subconsciously, I am waiting for him to jump up one day and tell me he gives me his blessing to get married.
I have wanted to marry my boyfriend for years, (who has supported me continuously throughout ALL of this) but my dad has asked me to please 'grant him this one wish' and not get married at all. I know that sounds rediculous and I don't realise how much control they have over me. I know I'm an adult and I can get married whenever I want to.. but I guess I've been waiting for my parents to magically turn into that lovely family everyone wants that will stand at the wedding, smiling at their daughter proudly as she walks down the aisle. You are right Lazyguy, that's never going to happen for me. I have to create my OWN life.
This is the best advice I've ever had! Thank you so much, both of you. I hope you've had a better Christmas than I have.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 Okay, so you talked to your boyfriend and "ruined" his Christmas. Did he say this? Didn't he listen? Wasn't he supportive? Isn't HE your new family?
A kid can't choose his/her family. An adult can. Yes the way your parents treat you sucks but shitty things happen all the time. Your sister can do no wrong in their eyes? True perhaps but look at how she ended up because of it, perhaps a little bit less unconditional love and she would NOT have a criminal record that will follow her for the rest of her life.
Who of you got the better deal?
Sometimes the happily ever after has to be created by yourself and does NOT feature the entire cast of the movie.
Abella makes a very solid point at the end. Just be sure you don't look for daddy's approval in the men you are dating.
Make a new family and spend Christmas with them.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 and the last word in my post, namely the single word: 'call' was my error. It was to be a sentence on 'are there others in the family you can call' to give you support but i deleted it. but obviously forgot one word of that sentence. Thought i shd clear up that confusion. ooops on my part. Abella
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 December 2010):
Anyone with an ounce of self esteem would be devastated to be treated as you have been treated. Not just this Christmas, but obviously you have been treated as irrelevant by your family for years. This is NOT acceptable.
I am very sorry your Christmas was ruined by your insensitive parents.
A long time ago I though all parents treated their children with equity (fairness). But I know better now. Treating each child ''equally'' is not feasible, but treating each child with fairness is. Your parents are not treating you fairly.
I do believe, though it is SO WRONG to do it - that some families treat one or more of their childrent as out casts, and one as the favorite. It is not good parenting.
And I think you need less toxic people in your life.
Because no matter what you do, or do not do, and how responsibly you behave I do not think it is registering with your family. And I think your parents have gone into denial about your sister. Instead in a twisted logic they value you less than your sister.
It's cruel and confusing, and very hard to comprehend. And I think you have spent too much time trying to please people who may be incapable of ever appreciating your true worth.
The only wakeup call for your family may be for you to break with them and make your own life. And not go back to visit to face more inevitable distain and criticism.
You are now more than 30. I also suspect that your family see you as their resident Cinderella who will come in and be their their nursemaid, adult diaper changer, chief cook and bottlewasher when they get older. And that might be on the cards if they were appreciative and loving to you, but they are not.
Because you know your sister will not do it for them. Well let your sister be the one they have to call in. She's had all the adulation, and appreciation. Let her show her gratitude.
Your sister must see the unfairness of it all, yet says nothing. Perhaps it suits her to have you excluded. Perhaps she already covets whatever $ your parents have and so excluding you and driving you out suits her agenda. But is money worth more than a happy tranquil life? Never. There are many miserable lonely wealthy unappreciated people in the world. And there are loving happy families who don't have much but are loved, and appreciated and know it. I know which family would feel better.
You've done your best, yet it's never been good enough for your family.
You have a right to some happiness and appreciation outside your family.
At your age I would hope that you would have a life of your own, apart from your family, and be blessed with a loving partner and dear children of your own.Children you could shower your love on, and receive it back in spades.
Quietly, without fanfare and with dignity pack up your things, and re-establish yourself elsewhere.
Do not listen to a litany of guilt trips from your family to try to stop you leaving.
Stop feeling responsible for people who have demonstrated very little consideration for your feelings and your happiness.
It's tough love, but it means a more fulfilling life for you. Just make sure the man you marry is not a carbon copy of your father, but is instead generous, sensitive and loving towards you.
Do not accept second class treatment.
call
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): I'm in a similar situation. I could do nothing right, while my two brothers were always wonderful. I'd get the criticism and abuse, while they were left alone. Example, my mom has a big piece of land. She's divided it in three (for each kid naturally) and building a home on two of the pieces, while the third will have no home on it. My brothers get the piece of land with a home on it and I get the one without. Silly things like this...Its gotten so bad that they are not in my life any more. They don't even care, they're not in touch with me, even though it's christmas. I hurt.Just look after yourself and do the best you can for yourself. I wouldn't be getting them anything but gift cards for Christmas any more or going out of my way for them...
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