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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I feel so insecure about my body. And this makes me feel weak and abnormal... I see so many women being ok with who they are, and I just can't seem to accept these issues. But here it goes.My boyfriend watches porn, and the other day he told me he and his friend were at work and saw that in one of the computers there was a site in the history that looked like it mught be porn. So they checked it while no one was around and it was an escorts service. ... Now, as I have insecurities, I said nothing, BUT... he knows me well. He sensed something had bothered me and pushed me to talk even though I told him nothing was wrong. But he eventually got me talking. I told him how I feel, he knows how I feel about porn. That I feel insecure because these women look perfect all the time, even though they're airbrushed and what not, but still, they are still thinner than me in real life, have bigger breasts than me, have a bigger butt, etc.He started telling me that I was fine, that I have a nice body anyway and that I'm a great catch since I have a great personality and all that. I told him I understand this, but that to me it's hard to accept these sexual needs he has for variety, since I don't have those urges, and thta to me feeling attractive is very important, not as important as how much he loves me (I don't question his love or respect for me). I want to feel attractive. And I'm not an idiot! I know these women have better bodies, I mean... they're paid for it... which is exactly what my boyfriend has told me "They just have to look BETTER than normal women". Ouch.He said it's not really about the girls (yeah, right). He gave me a list of reasons why I should be ok with it:1) All guys do it, it's a natural urge. Even my dad, or any guy I see or know. - So? I'm not with them, so I don't care about them.2) It's free so it's more tempting. - Oh, so just because it's free to punch somebody in the face (and it can be an urge sometimes) and so very tempting if somebody pisses me off, it's ok to do so? To punch them? Really?3) He has a lot of testosterone that builds up, and it's better to release it with porn than with another girl - WHAT?!?!?!?!? So it's either porn or cheating? Geez...The funny thing is he used to watch amateur porn. It didn't bother me at all. I was so ok with that. I didn't feel insecure even though I knew for a fact he was watching, he even sent me clips that gave him ideas and I felt absolutely NO jealousy or insecurity. It would not bother me if porn stars looked NORMAL. Not fat or anything, but just like regulae women, with normal breasts, not stick thin, etc, you get what I mean. But he said the site he visited had videos that were too short or they had poor quality and the one he goes to now has longer, better quality videos. But the women are near perfect and I hate that! I don't feel attracted to the male actors at all by the way, I hate plastic men, and that's what they are, plastic!He then proceeded to put these puppy eyes and tell me he loves me and not to take it seriously. But it's still here. And I feel so abnormal since it's so wrong to oppose porn. I just wish porn was more normal... I knw the type of porn he watches and it's definitely your standard porn stars here: blonde (I'm brunette), skinny and toned (I'm on the slimmer side but not toned, a bit of a belly big thinghs, etc), BIG breasts (I'm small breasted) and a big butt (this one I have, kind of, but not as big or round).How can I get over myself? How can I accept this? I know these women are fake, all men do it, he'll never meet them, blah blah, but I'm not stupid and I know he thinks they look better, he said so himself and this makes me feel bad. Go ahead and call me immature or stupid, but it's how I feel. I'm entitled to my feelings, just as he is, or you are. BTW, I've never told him to stop. I don't even like talking about this with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Sweetherart a lot of people (mainly guys and some ignorant girls) will come on here and tell you porns OK and get over it....Most of them are mere babies of only 20...Im telling you as an older women who is educated and knowledgeable on gender issues. Porn is abuse , it denies all that is wonderful about real women, undervalues and objectifies women...most young people cannot yet see this, but they will learn.
You do NOT need to accept this, So what if most guys look at it....that doesn't mean you have to be with one who does
Whats more important to you boyfriend, porn or respecting YOU....if its the former then he doesn't deserve you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Truly you have pretty much answered your own question in that post.
Not all guys watch porn though, although it is fair to say that most do. Your boyfriends explanation while somewhat honest was completely tactless and slightly ignorant especially it's better than cheating bullshit.
You don't have to be okay with it at all and it's not something you are supposed to get over either. I do think however that you are putting far too much thought into this, it is natural to have insecurities and he did nothing to alleviate them by saying what he did.
The truth is, it is very hard to explain what porn means to guys, there are elements of what your boyfriend explained but that's not the whole picture.
The thing that most women (I've come across that had issue's with porn usage) don't get, is that when we watch porn it is not the woman that we look at. We're looking at the sex, the sweat, the sounds, facial expressions, movement etc.
As for the variety thing that's self explanatory really, everyone likes variety in the stuff they watch or read, porn is no different. The same is true of the bedroom, to be honest, would you be saitisfied doing the same position all the time?
From what you've described you have a great body and you know your body had a big part to play in why he's your boyfriend, remember what you think about your body and what he thinks of it are very different things.
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