A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, About six years ago I broke up with my girlfriend of five years. Since then I have had 3 girlfriends of various seriousness. I have recently purchased a house with my current girlfriend of two years. However, since Christmas (3 months ago) i have had an almost constant stream of thoughts about my first girlfriend that i had been with for five years. What triggered this was that i had found out from a group of friends that she had recently got married. I was shocked when i heard and felt almost numb, i was even shocked about the way i reacted on the inside. You see, when i was with this girl i was a self destructive little prat with no self esteem. I could feel myself spiralling out of control, and as martyrish and wankerish as it may sound, i did not want to drag her down with me. I broke up with her and for the next three years she was heartbroken. She was constantly trying to find ways to get back together with me but i wouldn't have a bar of it. I hit absolute rock bottom about three years ago in my personal life and found myself without a job, without friends and without a real care for even myself let alone others. I sought profesional help and was diagnosed with depression. I have worked incredibly hard in the last three years on myself, on my career, on rebuilding the relationships of lost friends. I finally feel good about myself, i finally feel all the things in my life are on the right track. Throughout all of this period i did pine for my ex, i tried substitutes (other girlfriends), i focussed on getting myself up to a level of self worthiness. In the back of my mind I always had the belief that we would reconciliate and everything would be ok, she was in essence the last piece of my personal jigsaw to fix. However I am becoming increasingly anxious about how much my first ex fills my thoughts, i feel guilty of these thoughts because of my current girlfriend, i feel angry that it took me so long to pull my life together and i believe that i have blown (albeit very slowly) away the one chance that i had of true happiness. I have failed to achieve the primary goal of working so hard. I find myself fantasising about ridiculous sets of circumstances that would bring us back together. Fanciful scenarios that are more related to an episode of Jerry Springer than reality. It didn't help when a very close friend of mine (who is a very close friend of her brothers) who I confided in about this problem told me that if I had of turned up to the church on my ex's wedding day and asked her to leave with me she would have.I feel sick to my stomach about this whole thing. My lack of action, guilty about these thoughts due to my current girlfriend and horribly fearful that these feelings of regret will not pass. I truley believe that if my ex was to walk in right now and ask me to leave with her, i would. How horrible is that? I feel so guilty and confused. Please help me with some advice on this.
View related questions:
broke up, christmas, ex girlfriend, get back together, heartbroken, my ex, period, self esteem, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers  +, writes (20 March 2007):
 I know where you are coming from. I have just split from my ex and I am totally devasted. I thought and still do she was my perfect soul mate. Your depression is ringing alarm bells as i write this. It seems you have worked hard on battling your this and I would move on with your current relationship and be truthful to yourself to what you want out of life and relationships. Thinking of what might of been is going to do more damage than good, belive me when I say that. Make the most of what you have and give the relationship everything you can, you will only have regrets later if you realise she was your second wind.
A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (20 March 2007):
Perhaps you should leave your girlfriend, you dont love her like your ex and she obviously isnt enough for you. Why did you get with this current girlfriend is you wanted your ex. You should have gone and found her. Whats stopping you...
...............................
A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (20 March 2007):
 Hi. Sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this, just try and take it easy and chill, getting anxious is certainly not going to get you anywhere. I know it’s easier to say than do but you can do some relaxation exercises and maybe some meditation. We have all messed up in past relationships, it happens, just a fact of life, we all live with a few regrets but they become less important as we move along on this wonderful journey. Now, about you’re ex… well you’re going to have to let the past be the past. She’s married and you have a girlfriend so no point in messing up 3 other people’s lives! Remember love is a verb, it’s something we do. So if you want to you can choose to love your present girlfriend or not! By giving her more love and attention you’ll very quickly move forward in your current relationship. If you don’t want to then maybe she’s not the one and you should break up with her and move forward in your life. Do you really know what you’re looking for in a woman and a relationship? Define these goals for yourself and see if you can achieve them with the current girlfriend, if not, time to move on… I’m sure you’ll be fine soon. Take care.
...............................
|
