A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I always feel like i am being used for sex. I know rationally this isn't true, but I can't help feeling that way and it ruins all of my relationships.I was in an extremely manipulative relationship from 15-20 in which I was definitely used for sex. He would have sex, I would cry, and he would tell me to shutup. If I said I didn't want sex he would say then "what the f are you doing here?" It was a lot of mind games. It was my first relationship and it lasted so long that it has filtered the way I view anything.Now in my current relationship I always feel used. I make my boyfriend feel guilty when he shouldn't, and he has become frustrated. Instead of being able to listen to his frustration I just take it as more evidence that he is using me. I know this isn't rational, but when this problem is brought up my emotions just take over and I can't behave in a rational manner. It's like a hole is opened up in my rib cage and there is nothing I can do to stop feeling that way, only making him more frustrated with me because he cant voice his own issues/concerns without me shutting down and making him feel guilty for them. But I am also dealing with guilt, like if I don't want to have sex I feel extreme amounts of guilt and sadness. Then he doesn't understand, gets frustrated, and it makes me feel even less close to him/less able to open/ less able to enjoy sex.I don't know how to deal with this. I have so many issues with sex that stem from that first relationship and I feel like they aren't valid. I experience things that I think only people who were raped should experience even though I was never raped, and I feel stupid and like I am being over dramatic. But at those times I literally cannot help it, no matter what I do, I just shut down. My emotions overcome me and i can't behave the way I want to even though I am telling myself "just calm down, you know that this isn't the right response"I can't explain it, a feeling of despair and loneliness come over me and I sometimes become suicidal at that point (I don't think I ever would, it just becomes a sort of fantasy in my mind) The more I tell myself to stop being dramatic, the guiltier I feel. I feel like i am unintentionally manipulating the situation so that only my needs are met. I don't want to have to subject my boyfriend to these issues, but like I said, there is nothing I can tell myself to stop it. What can I do, or how can I better communicate this with my boyfriend? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2013): OP, I hope your post is read by many other young women who may be becoming sexually active too soon into puberty.
The body and mind have to adjust to all the developmental changes happening to you; starting as early as 11, in some young girls.
The body sometimes matures a lot sooner than the mind. The mind has to develop psychologically to deal with sex. It's more than just a physical act, it affects the mind.
As you have clearly proven.
I often explain this in my advice to very young teens who think they're ready. They are often pressured, and then the mind isn't prepared for what sex entails beyond the physical aspects. Young men, as well as young women.
Your experience was quite abusive and forced. You were too young to defend yourself, and only wanted to please your boyfriend. You didn't have the experience it takes to get your feelings across when you were not ready; he used intimidation and degradation to manipulate you.
Technically, forcing a person to have sex against their will is rape; even if they consents after repeated effort to force submission. That's why it made you cry and you feel so terrible afterwards. Including his aggressive attitude, and insensitivity.
You were a victim of psychological rape; that's why it feels like rape. Consent after being coerced and manipulated doesn't make it any better.
So you truly need to seek counseling; the same as a rape victim, or a victim of sexual abuse.
You were psychologically traumatized. I sense that you may have received treatment, or it may be in progress. You are able to write about it in relatively good detail. As if you have openly discussed it before. I hope this is the case.
I find it difficult to understand why you are unable to communicate it to your boyfriend. I guess you don't want him to know your sexual past? That it began so soon? Of you don't want his pity. You are not damaged goods, my dear.
You are a victim seeking recovery.
Now the difficult part is not bringing old baggage into your new relationship. What you're currently experiencing is a sign that you haven't had enough treatment, or you haven't received counseling at all.
Courageously, you've probably tried to cope with your issues entirely on your own. It is good to fight on your own; but when you fail, you need to seek the help of a good mental-health professional to get to the root of all your anxiety and frustrations. You need the support and someone to confide in. Someone to help you to dig deep into your issues. That takes time. It also takes guidance.
Your boyfriend is apparently quite patient. However; you are placing a lot of weight on his shoulders; because you need professional therapy to deal with your demons.
You aren't really ready for sexual intimacy. There is too much psychological scarring for you to deal with a relationship, without assisted therapy. You can always include him at your sessions; so he can understand what you are going through. That is total up to him. It isn't really necessary, but it would be beneficial for the both of you.
You should seek help regardless.
He may not be able to easily understand the complications of your past experience. If you can't understand how or why it still affects you; you can't expect him to. You need healing. You've carried this around for a very long time.
You should find a counselor; and invite him to a session for moral support. You can both work your way through it.
If you don't have a health insurance plan; well, you should soon with Obama Care. I assume you are American, by the U.S. flag icon at the top of your post.
You should get all the help you can, so you can have a healthy relationship. If this one doesn't workout, you should already be seeking the therapy necessary to help you have healthy relationships in the future.
Even if you find yourself a women's support group; you will get advice and be able to share your feelings and experiences. You'll benefit from therapy through group sessions monitored by a licensed professional group-therapist; or a certified licensed abuse counselor.
You articulately expressed your experience to us, and I'm sure you can come up with a version you can deliver to your boyfriend. He deserves to understand how you feel; and you should be comfortable during and after sex. It shouldn't turn you inside out to be physically close to your man.
Holding back secrets out of fear of judgment or rejection; will ultimately force the truth to out itself.
Your behavior alone is going to draw his concern, and you will lose the opportunity to gain his support; if you let things continue without discussing your problems with intimacy.
He may find relief in knowing it isn't his fault. He will also be able to be more supportive and can adjust his own behavior to make it much easier for you. I know it is a lot to reveal; but he has to understand what is going on behind your behavior. It's only fair.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 December 2013):
 He maybe thinking you don't find him attractive and can't be turned on by him. You need to get this straight and he will appreciate you being open to talk about your feelings. If he can't handle your story then he's not the supportive boyfriend you need.
What you experienced is as painful as rape. You felt like you should be having sex because you had a boyfriend. You were treated as an object, not deserving of love. When you don't feel an emotional connection you feel used.
You can learn to enjoy intimacy by taking small steps. You can't have a connection with your boyfriend if you feel you had to hide a part of your history that led to who you are today.
When you said only your needs are met I assume you mean the sessions can never reach beyond just touching. It always ends with awkward moments and excuses. There is no guarantee that your boyfriend would be supportive but at least the relationship won't be ending with him feeling like you friendzoned him and didn't know how to break it off. There is also no rush to be in a new relationship until you can appreciate sex again. I would find that porn made for women can reintroduce you to the joy of sex again. Those videos are directed by women and catered to their needs and desires to be pleased by men.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2013): I too once had a boyfriend who would be very manipulative and even angry with regard to sex if I didn't want to or if I didn't do what he liked. He was also physically abusive. I was in this kind of relationship for a year (when I was 16) and it had greatly distorted the amount of trust I should have had and future relationships after. All my relationships after him have ended in disaster due to my mistrust, anxiety, Etc. However there was one relationship where I opened up and told my boyfriend the kind of feelings I get from sex. I had felt like I could no longer have it without breaking down. even him just leaving to go to the bathroom after would make me break down in tears so I told him what I've been through, what kind of things remind me of what I've been through, feelings that make me anxious. You just have to open up to him fully and with trust, every fear in your heart. If you feel like you can't do this (like I have felt with many past relationships, then the trust isn't there and perhaps it may not be the best kind of relationship for you at the moment). Small things like cuddles after sexy times, talking, him being okay to not have sex for however long it takes you to feel a bit more comfortable are all things that have really helped me and have shown that he's not scary, he won't hurt me and he truly cares about me. We've been together for a year and he is my lovely current boyfriend :) I hope this helps and goodluck :)
...............................
|
