A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel so betrayed when my boyfriend masturbates. Here recently he's been looking at porn just bout everyday even with me being in the same house/next room. I have very low self esteem and I feel like he doesn't want me anymore and when we do have sex he's fantasizing bout them. At the same time I feel like a hypocrite tho cuz we do go a week or 2 without having sex so its almost like I feel that if I'm not relieving myself then he shouldn't either (somewhere along those lines). When I do walk in the room while he is watching porn I tend to start pushing him away cuz he doesn't want me anymore. I am so tired of feeling this way!! What can I do to stop feeling this way?Sorry I'm not too good with words...I hope you understand what I'm trying to get at! :)Thank you in advance for answering my question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): I think its fair to ask and expect him not to watch porn and jerk off when you're there, but to want him not to do it even when you're not around is asking too much, in my opinion. Work on improving your self esteem. If you have body image issues, work on that. His porn and jerking off are not the cause of your feeling crappy about yourself, they are just the trigger. The real cause is your low self esteem. You could try to deal with it by trying to suppress the trigger and preventing the trigger from ever happening but this means policing someone else's behavior. Which is incredibly difficult to do and not sustainable for the long term. Since the behavior of watching porn and jerking off is normal and most people both men and women do it to some degree (some more than others), having zero tolerance for it isn't going to work for you in the long run. Realize also that even if you did look like the porn stars, he would still watch porn. He doesn't limit his viewing to just one porn woman. So even if you happened to look like them he would still do it. It is just not a reflection on you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): First of all, does he know how you feel about pornography? How will he know it bothers you when you don't tell him!I think you need to also look at yourself in this situation. you admit you have low self esteem. Do something about it. Get counseling and (like someone else said, which is a very good idea and has helped me) work out more.I'm not saying you're at fault or he is at fault, but it wouldn't be fair to him if you took your low self esteem out on him.To address the issue on porn and masturbation...I don't understand why this bothers people. I'm a female and I still watch a little porn and I still masturbate. I don't care if my boyfriend does as I'm not available for him right now. It does NOT equate to cheating or being dirty. It's simply stimulus.But, to each his or her own. If you don't like it, then express that to him. And if he loves you then he will respect that and stop.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): I don't understand why men don't think of what they do with their girlfriends when masturbating.
I'm sure when a woman doesn't like her boyfriend watching porn the damage has been done nothing anyone says will make you see it differently. I had it the same and everyone said similar things none of them worked.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): You should start working out. Whenever you are feeling down and out, low self esteem, hopeless, doesn't matter what is causing it, the best medicine is exercise. Even therapists swear by this. Something so simple can change your life entirely. When I was feeling depressed and shitty (part of which were similar problems to what you have, low self esteem, shitty boyfriend), my therapist put me on a B vitamin supplement and an exercise regime. That simple. I could sit there on her couch and rehash my problems week after week, session after session, or I could go out there and DO something productive about it. Getting a regular dosage of vitamin D is also great for your psyche. My friend and I recently started working out together. And it is so therapeutic. Where I live there are lots of mountains and canyons for hiking and climbing. We go hiking get so sweaty and challenge ourselves physically to the max. I feel like a different person afterwards. It changes the chemistry in my brain and makes all the things that are consuming me seem so trivial and small. It makes you feel like you can conquer anything. Go work out. And if you have a girlfriend you can do this with, even better! You can do yoga, dancing, hiking, swimming, tennis, do everything to keep yourself active.So while your boyfriend is at home sitting on his ass j*rking off, you are out LIVING and making yourself look better and feel better. That might even make him more attracted to you. And it might make you realize how sort of pathetic he is.
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A
male
reader, Boost  +, writes (2 September 2013):
Sit down and talk to him. Not confronting him though and don't make lose your temper with. I don't think I know any man that would have an issue if their girlfriend told them they wanted more sex. If you've been together for a few years sex can dwindle a bit and become the same routine so maybe get some new underwear or something to wear that he hasn't seen. Just think of some new ideas to try and I'm sure you will see the difference. Sometimes guys don't like to keep making a move or asking for it as it seems like they're pestering you so I would say take the initiative and instigate it
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (2 September 2013):
 He is a lazy lover and if you are going 2 weeks without making love, then he is as responsible as you are about this situation. His turning to porn is not sexy and I understand why you feel the way you do - I've no objection to masturbation and he can do this without porn. Porn does not depict women in a favourable way and I have my doubts about the type of men that want to watch it - a porn loving man would NOT be the guy for me. I believe the men that watch it are emotionally stunted because they cannot state their needs with their partner so they turn to a screen. That sounds sad to me and I guess it does to you too. If I was bashing my bean to Brad Pitt every day and turning away from my husband, I guess he'd be pretty pissed off too. So you both need to sit down and try and have a conversation. Does your partner desire you or are all his goodies spent on porn? If he's bashing out every day to porn then it will become a problem because as in Pavlov's theory, the porn eventually will become the ONLY thing that turns him on. When your man desires you, it is HOT with a capital H. If you have self esteem issues, then these would melt away with a bit more passion and desire from your partner. They will be exacerbated with his continued use of porn. If he won't have a conversation and listen to your side, then you will need to re-evaluate your situation and your place as his partner. Good luck x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): I watch porn, I have a girlfriend who I love but her self esteem issues cause massive problems in the bedroom. I have tried to help her but sometimes it is just too much. I prefer women who are self confident and not so caught up about this stuff. maybe he feels the same way
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 September 2013):
Although he's certainly not guilt free, I believe that your problem is mostly with yourself. You seem to be convinced that porn means he's not satisfied with you, but that's not the case.
Also, he's not watching porn wishing you looked like a porn star (in most cases).
I think therapy would be good for you. Right now porn is not the issue, your self esteem is.
That being said, he should quit if it hurts you. If he doesn't find someone else instead of constantly fighting about it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (1 September 2013):
 Your b/f has a high sex drive (very normal for a man in his prime).If he came to you every time he needed release, believe me, you'd soon get annoyed.Masturbation is just a release of sexual tension and pornography a visual stimulant (men are visual creatures sexually, women are emotional for the most part).Your issue is with your own self image my love. I know it can be difficult when women are surrounded by images of slim, curvy women with huge, pert breast, tiny waists, long blonde hair and a trout pout! But this is not reality, go outside and look at the women around you (unless you live in LA then don't bother :D)Men only use pornography as a way to stimulate themselves sexually to achieve an orgasm. They're not having meaningful relationships with the girls in the pictures.He's having a relationship with you and isn't being secretive or hiding this activity. There are guys in porn too, have you considered watching a DVD with him and then having sex together? Your b/f won't dump you because he watches girls in porn movies but he might if you continually push him away making him feel dirty and unlovable.If you can't get past this and it hurts you too much then ask him to keep it private so that you don't have to address it. Problem is you'll still know that he's doing it.I think you just need to learn to see yourself as a sexy, beautiful woman and start to believe it, I'm sure when you do you'll feel better.AB x
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 September 2013):
 It's a good think you don't date me.... 'cuz I'd "betray" you just about every time we went 36 hours without nik-nik.
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): Your problem is with your poor self-image.
You burden yourself with perceived notions, and blame yourself for things that have no direct effect on your sex-life.
You don't masturbate, because you don't choose to. You don't watch porn; again it's your choice. He's not to be blamed for your choices, nor blamed for your insecurities.
You gauge your self-worth based on his watching porn? You can read his mind, and know exactly what he's thinking about when he is actually having sex with you?
Sex with a partner requires you to concentrate on the pleasures and feelings of another person. If you are not a very active sex-partner, and he has to do all the work to get you off; he will seek his own pleasure without all the extra work. If you are a very aggressive sex-partner; he will still want to masturbate. Because most healthy men like to.
Masturbation can be quick, selfish, you move at your own pace, there are no demands, you let your imagination run wild, there's no one to reassure about their body, no fuss,
and it's natural. If porn is included, is for the visual effect. It has nothing to do with who you are, or what you look like. It's about porn. It's material to get-off on. It requires no feelings, and almost always has a happy-ending.
You are not betrayed. It's visual and imaginary. He will never meet the characters involved. He isn't comparing himself, nor you, to these characters. He knows they look the way they do to stimulate sexual arousal, nothing else. He doesn't want to compare you to these women; because he feels you're a better woman then they are. He needs sex to be personal sometimes; just because.
You can't re-circuit his mind to delete the urge to masturbate. Nor can you make him stop finding sexy women sexy. You can tell him when you feel neglected. You can be more proactive during the act of sex. You can be more creative in love-making. You can appreciate him for everything he does to show you he loves you. You can exercise and eat a healthy diet, to raise your self-esteem and confidence. Control your body-weight, or seek help if it's a problem doing it by-yourself.
You can work on your self-confidence. Read-up about the sexuality of men and women; and how they derive pleasure through sex-play. You can ask him for more fore-play to make it more pleasurable for you. You can stop comparing yourself to video actresses. You can stop trying to read other people's thoughts, and concentrate on getting over your personal insecurities.
You can dump him and get another boyfriend. One that you think will be different from any other human males. One who'll see only you, think of only you, reassure you every minute of the day that you're perfect and beautiful, and he never gets aroused by anyone but you. Perhaps replace him with a blind-man with no hands.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (1 September 2013):
 Is he a considerate lover? Does he make sure it's good for you? And does that mean that he's making sure the setting is right, you've had a nice dinner, the dishes are done, that you're relaxed, maybe giving a bit of massage? And then lots of foreplay, maybe some good oral, before he goes for the gold?
If he's a good guy, he wants to make sure the experience is worth your while. And in all honesty, that's a bunch of work. Ya, ya, it's worth it, it's a better experience that way and all that.
But sometimes he wants to be selfish and just wants to get off. A quick wank isn't complicated, it doesn't take effort, and he doesn't need to worry about whether you got anything out of it. No, of course it isn't as good. But it's quick, easy, and guilt free.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 September 2013):
 I think it's not about you being sexy or not but about his laziness and his anxiety about performing in real life. You have to tell him that sex is important to you. It looks like he watches porn just as much as when he's single. You might as well just let him go so you can find a man who can give you more sex. He can watch porn without worrying hurting a woman's feelings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): Talk to him and explain how you feel, I personally don't think masturbation is cheating or a mark on a relationship, but you can ask him not to while you're there as it makes you uncomfortable.
You seem to have different sex drives, this is common in relationships, and doesn't make you lesser, you don't owe anyone sex.
I've never had the same problem so all I can really say is communicate how you feel and maybe look into getting help for your self esteem.
Good luck, I hope you're able to come to a solution between you xx
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