A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’ve always known that my BF (we’ve been about 1 year and a half together) was in contact with his Ex-GF (at a frequency of 1 or 2 times a month) which never had bothered me. I also don’t think of myself to be a jealousy monster: I totally let my BF go out clubbing (without me), hanging out with acquaintances / friends / colleagues of the opposite sex : totally fine with me because I trust him. However 4 months ago I accidentally found out that my BF was waaaay more often in touch with his Ex than I thought – like every 2 to 4 days (msn, email, texting, phone – they rarely see each other because she lives a few hours away). i feel so horrible because it comes to a point that i just need to check his phone, email (behind his back) to reassure myself that nothing weird is happening. But there are some things i saw that i thought crossed the line (because I felt like his Ex still had feelings for him and she was trying to play the “good friend” – any reason to somehow still be connected to his life, and probably go back in a relationship with him someday). Since then, every few weeks I break down and have nasty discussions with him. A month ago, he wanted to go pay his respects to a deceased relative of his Ex (I had no problem whatsoever with that) – go to the cemetery as the funeral was already over, but he also wanted to stay the night at her place or her family’s which I couldnt accept. It was a really nasty argument (im not that much of a confrontational person) where he was saying that he will basically do as he pleases and I have no say in it. I found out later that he didn’t stay the night over and had respected my feelings, which gave me back faith. I am so sure that he is not cheating on me physically or ever has, but i feel so betrayed on a mental/emotional level. I feel like he does mean it when he says he loves me, wants to marry me, but I feel like he still has unresolved feelings for his ex. He dumped her because of personality differences, but he still cares for her abit too much.Our last argument dates from a few days ago because:1) My bf had sent her an email asking why she was ignoring his msn messages, and she replied that it was because she now has a BF (finally!). She also mentions that she was hesitant in informing him she has a BF now (to not hurt his feelings? Like WTFF? Or to keep the illusion that they are special to one another).2) when my Bf and his Ex were on the phone, I heard her say “is she here?” (directed at me, to know if they could speak freely), which I found completely insulting and shady, as if they have this special friendship bond + secret garden, that I cant have with my BF.3) I found on his email that she was maybe planning to come to town (my BF had agreed with me that he would always tell me when his planning or is going to see his Ex, for a coffee for example) but then that got cancelled (cause instead she was going with her new BF) and she sent him a message joking that he was very impatient to see her. My analysis on these signs is that they have still unresolved feelings. I felt so furious, hurt and sad because: it meant that for all this past year, it was okay for my BF to still be in contact with his Ex, and that my feelings don’t matter. Whereas for his Ex, she is like hiding from her new BF that she is in contact with my BF, because their “friendship” is not normal. I just feel so stupid because I feel like my BF is using me to the core. He sees how upset I am every time we have an argument about his Ex and he tries to make me feel guilty. I always try to solve things like an adult but I am always very hurt and upset and up to now I never gave him an ultimatum but always explained my feelings etc, hoping he would take them into account .However at our last discussion, it came down to an ultimatum and he basically rather stay in contact with his Ex (as friends or whatever) than continue a relationship with me. I know that I cant ask him to erase someone that shared 5 years of his life, but I react this way because I feel like there are parts of their relationship that is borderline inappropriate and unhealthy. As well its all turning out to be a vicious circle because he had admitted to me that he feels like im not committing to our relationship because for example I don’t try t get in contact with his family or im not spending xmas with his family. I agree on this but I act that way because with the issues with his Ex I don’t know if it is worth to invest in this relationship even though I want to. At our last fight, we almost broke up (because Im tired of getting upset of his Ex, and he refuses to change anything) but I said I would try to be more flexible and try to accept his friendship with his ex because I don’t want to break up with him just because of his Ex. But I feel like I have no self respect, because I am accepting to be with a guy that values staying in contact with his ex more than the wellbeing of his GF. I think I am delaying the inevitable and that one day it will be over between us if nothing changes or if we have another fight about his Ex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): You need to give him an ultimatum. he needs to choose between you and his ex. This is not saying that he should be expected to magically lose all feelings for her, because that is not possible you can't just suddenly no longer have feelings. but if your relationship is something he really cherishes ABOVE his relationship with his ex, then he should take steps to move on from her. He should "end" the relationship with her in his own mind, not just going through the motions of cutting back contact with her. Because just going through motions while not changing the mind will rarely work for long. Our feelings drive our behavior. If your relationship is to be healthy and sustainable, he has to change his mind about his ex. if he won't move on from her, then you should leave him. It's better you find out if this is the case now than after you have invested more of your time under false hopes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): Yeah it definitely sounds like your bf and his ex still have feelings and still have an ongoing relationship that crosses boundaries of a normal friendship.
this is definitely a relationship deal-breaker. How can someone be invested and committed to a relationship if they still have one foot in another relationship?
it looks like you have explained your feelings and your stance on the issue until you are blue in the face, and there is no compromise reached because he feels he has already compromised as much as he is willing to (by informing you when he will go to see her). He has made his stance known, there is nothing you can do besides either accepting things the way they are (which I think is bad) or leaving him.
You can't make someone stop having feelings for someone else. And you can't control his behavior. If he doesn't want to stop seeing her, he won't. In fact he has plainly said that. I think this does show that he is not committed to your relationship. He still wants to keep one foot in his previous relationship.
You are right this is not healthy. it might be best to end your relationship for now at least until he has truly moved on from his ex.
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