A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Please help. My boyfriend and I are basically perfect except when we have relationship problems. We rarely have disagreements but when we do I feel so alone and lower than I've ever felt. I've tried explaining to him that I do not want to live in fear of issues because I feel so badly when they happen although they are rare. I know he tries his hardest to do exactly what I want but it doesn't help, all that does is irritate me even more. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help, I am sorry for the slow update. We are still together and going strong. We communicate much better and he has learned to listen and so have I. He admitted a few months down the road that he was resentful of me for pushing him towards his career goals but is now thankful. Before I met him he was the most intelligent loser your ever met with no job, no aspirations, and an engineering degree. I pushed him to be better for himself and to follow his dreams and he did. He is now a well paid and successful engineer. We are well over that "hump" and onto what life has to offer us :) Again, thank you for your kind and helpful words.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 March 2013):
 I think you two are going to be just fine! If you go into this with a loving and open heart and a good amount of patience, you will come out with a much stronger relationship. And the bonus is that what you learn now will save you a lot of grief down the road.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/147222.You_Just_Don_t_Understand is a book by Deborah Tannen, who goes over the differences in women and men's conversational styles. That one helped me a lot too.
Even if you just read the reviews, you'll learn a lot!
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much, Tisha-1 for your quick response. I really needed to hear that. I will absolutely invest a book for us to read together. I hope this will help. I'll keep you all updated on the outcome :) Thank you guys so much!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 March 2013):
Ah, okay, this is a very basic and simple difference between men and women.
When women vent and cry, they want to be supported. Men don't hear the vent in the same way a female friend would do, she would know to just listen and hold your hand and say comforting things.
Men hear the vent as either an implied criticism of them or as a problem you are asking them to solve. So rather than mess around with the murky and mysterious moods of a woman, they will instead offer what they think she needs, which is advice and a solution. They get very brisk and matter-of-fact about it.
So, dear OP, you are merely unaware of how he hears you and he is unaware of how you hear him.
He is supporting you without you realizing it, he's there and dependable and always on your side. That, to a man, demonstrates the depth of his feeling for you. He loves you. He does.
So cut him some slack on expecting him to be like a female friend; he doesn't know how. It doesn't compute for him. It doesn't make him a bad partner or a jerk, it makes him, well, a practical man who wants to help you, in the way he knows how.
Before you pay for couples' counseling, try reading one of those old standard DIY relationship books for couples, like "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." You may realize it's just that you each have been interpreting things from your own gender's standpoint.
Then, if that doesn't help, next week, go find the counseling.
But from what you have written, this is all a "lost in translation" issue that can be solved if you each get the guide to each other's expectations.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for the answers you have given. It is a very difficult situation. I honestly still do not know what to do. We are basically married as we live together, share a bank account, and everything else that married people do. I want to make things right with "Joe" because he is surely my soul mate. He is absolutely, without a doubt my best friend. He is dependable and always there for me when I need him. We get along great, except when I get upset about something. He just asks what he can do. He doesn't emotionally connect with me or "cry with me" I guess you could say. I want to see him become emotionally involved like I am, without having to ask for it and when he doesn't it hurts so bad and makes me so miserable. We definitely need better communication, how can I begin to work on our communication together? Our fights are about silly things and they would be small fights and over quickly if he would just show he cares instead of calmly asking what he should od about it. It should hurt his feelings that he hurt mine, I think. Am I being irrational? We may need couples counseling, it is a little costly but I think it may be worth it.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 March 2013):
 Disagreements and arguments happen in all relationships. What makes a successful one though is whether your arguments are constructive and healthy. There is a difference.
A healthy argument is where both parties are heard and a mutual agreement is made to resolve the issue. Unhealthy ones is where one party constantly dominates or uses intimidation, name-calling, and other destructive ways to get what they way.
You don't go into any detail about what sort of problems you are having and whether or not they are out of the ordinary. So it is hard to make any sort of judgement call as to what is going on.
It may be time for you to think about how you and your boyfriend deal with your disagreements. Long term, if they aren't dealt with without one party always feeling hurt, your relationship will suffer and eventually die. Make sure that both of you have the communication tools to work your differences.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (8 March 2013):
 having disagreements and issues in relationships happen. you can't live your life in fear of having disagreements. if you expect to have a relationship where you never, ever fight, you will be single for the rest of your life. fact.
you admitted that you and him very rarely have disagreements. this sounds like a healthy relationship to me. what else could you possibly ask for?
if i were you, i'd learn better communication so that when these inevitable issues do take place, you are better equipped to handle them.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 March 2013):
He tries to do his hardest to do exactly what you want but that's not enough for you? How is this relationship even possible?
What fears do you have? How do you communicate? Do you feel safe? Does he feel safe?
What has he done that has you so worried?
There is not enough information to give you much guidance. If you are this stressed and upset, why not go be brave and seek some relationship counseling?
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