A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidI have been married for past 3 years and dated my husband 3 years prior. Lately i feel so alone and being controlled by my husband. Its always his way or high way, never seem to take any of my input though we both own the house , i earn more than him. He decides on everything , if I do not agree he will not talk to me and escalate it to an fight and i end up apologising. .I have heart condition, very mild but I get aches when I strain too much and during our last fight , my ache became bit too much and I was unable to move due to sharp pain and asked him get me pain med, he did not do that and got angry because I did not cook lunch (because of my pain i was unable to do anything), he is refusing to talk or listen. I do not even feel like a person anymore, i just say yes for everything he says,don't talk back, do what he wants to do and do not do what he does not want to do. I feel so disgusted with me I can't leave him due to my visa condition and he threatens me with divorce every chance he gets. I'm stuck, what should I do now. Pls help
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2021): You are allowing him to dominate you and disrespect you, you are allowing him to take over your thoughts and feelings. You are allowing him to turn you into a vegetable. Ok so you have shared this piece of information with us, now what? Only you can change it. Either you stand up for yourself or you do not, nobody here can do it for you. You agree with your husband because you want a quiet life with no arguments or moods, but now you see that was a mistake. You cannot have it both ways, either you agree to save arguments or you stand up for yourself and show him you are his equal and have arguments along the way.
Some people get this problem with their partner, others with their family - the choice is yours. Put up or shut up.
You say you earn more than him, so why are you still there? Why have you not been sensible and left him and gone off and set up in your own home on your own?!
How can you expect your husband - or anyone else - to respect you when you are not respecting yourself?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2021): If he threatens you with divorce, maybe it is time that you take him up on it!!! You're worried about deportation??? If you're deported, maybe you stand a chance to recover and heal both mentally and physically! Enduring an abusive-marriage to runaway from your own country to avoid oppression or poverty is simply jumping from the fry pan into the fire. You'll have to compare which is worse!
A divorce may literally save your life! He is aware of your heart condition, and yet he causes you duress and emotional-distress; and it seems he is attempting to cause you to have a full-fledged heart-attack! All this advice is being given to you, but whose advice will you actually use??? You may require police protection and medical-attention!
What advice can you give a woman completely isolated, distanced from her own family, and from another country? Anything you do will take time, and requires you to use courage and determination to execute it. You don't stand-up to your husband, yet you've come to DC for advice. You knew before you asked, you'd be advised to stake a stance.
For the sake of your health and well-being, you will need to contact the police or a domestic-violence hotline for abused-women! Explain to them exactly what is happening to you! You need shelter and immediate intervention; because he is verbally-attacking you while you're in physical pain! Everyone here is well-meaning and concerned; but your problem is immediate and life-threatening. I would even go as far as to call the police, or the fire department for EMT service; if he hounds you while you are experiencing chest pains. Put your phone on speed-dial to 911!
Lord protect and help you, my dear. What you need is immediate intervention, and you will have to seek help and protection, and possibly medical-attention, through emergency services. Domestic violence is on an uptick during covid-19 lockdowns and restrictions; and only those who seek help will survive the virus or domestic-violence. Even verbal-abuse is violence. If you take it long enough, you'll wind-up being rushed to a hospital; that is already overrun with covid patients! You need to take act NOW!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2021): You need to understand your position.
Try and consult a lawyer that specializes in immigration. You say that you earn money. Even more than him! So get a lawyer.
I would also see a doctor for the heart condition AND start seeing a therapist. Don't underestimate the consequences all this has on your mental and emotional well-being. A therapist would be a good support.
Do you have any friends or relatives in the US?
I too live abroad and am married to a man who is not intentionally abusive, BUT due to his anxiety and depression he can sometimes act abusively. He doesn't enjoy it, he apologizes afterwards and tries to do better next time, BUT like you I try to avoid "provoking him". This is totally contradictory to what I believe in - that we are all responsible for our own emotions and reactions and by that rationelle I couldn't provoke him, it's all on him. However, in reality I know that he has triggers and I try to avoid them in order to protect myself from his abusive outbursts yelling, calling me names...
I can't be 100% sure that I'm right, but I'd say that there's a chance that your husband would never leave you (without finding someone else first to replace you with). People like him NEED "victims", because they hate to be alone. They're afraid of abandonment. So they choose partners who are somehow vulnerable (you being a foreign national) and then they exploit that. They are happy when they are obeyed, but they are also happy when they are not because that gives them an opportunity to exercise their power over their partners. It's a wonder that you're earning anything at all, let alone more than him, because they prefer to have completely financially dependant partners. So, stop being afraid and educate yourself on your legal position.
In your case, your husband made a choice of dating a foreign national, in my case we dated for 3 years got married and then moved to another country, but being a man (yes even in the West there's gender discrimination) he sorted out his papers and employment much faster than I did. So believe me when i say I do know how you feel.
My therapist helped me a lot. She never told me to leave my husband because she couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't have any legal or financial problems, but she helped me see the situation as a less dramatic (which maybe is not your case). It helped with my depression. Instead of viewing my husband as a captor, I started seeing a child unable to handle unpleasant emotions. That gave me back my power and drastically improved the power balance in our marriage. But as I said, my husband is not a voluntary abuser.
You need to realize that even now what you're going through IS your choice. This will get your power back to do something about it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 January 2021):
 1. Look into a U visa.
(The U nonimmigrant status (U visa) is set aside for victims of certain crimes who have suffered mental or physical abuse and are helpful to law enforcement or government officials in the investigation or prosecution of criminal activity. Congress created the U nonimmigrant visa with the passage of the Victims of Trafficking and Violence Protection Act (including the Battered Immigrant Women’s Protection Act) in October 2000.)
2. I don't know where you are from but is it that much worse to go home than to live like this?
I would, if I were you, record him threaten to divorce you and when he blows up at you. keep all texts too.
3. How much longer are you supposed to stay married to not get send home, if you file for divorce?
I think your health, happiness and sanity is more important.
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A
male
reader, NoodlyCatastrophe  +, writes (1 January 2021):
 You have a choice.
Your health or your status. Both are very important. I want to scream out "LEAVE THAT TOXIC ABUSIVE ASSHOLE!" but that's not very productive. So here are a couple of websites for you to read:
1. USA: Options for Victims of Abuse = https://www.masslegalhelp.org/immigration/immigration-rights-for-survivors-of-domestic-violence
2. USA: Information on the Legal Rights Available to Immigrant Victims of Domestic Violence in the United States and Facts about Immigrating on a Marriage-Based Visa Fact Sheet = https://www.uscis.gov/archive/information-on-the-legal-rights-available-to-immigrant-victims-of-domestic-violence-in-the-united
3. Canada: Help for spouses or partners who are victims of abuse = http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-so-alone-and-being-controlled-by.html
4. Australia: Family Violence and your visa = https://immi.homeaffairs.gov.au/visas/family-violence-and-your-visa
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