A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:16 year old in love with me? I'm 26!Hi,I need help on one particular and delicate issue.I'm 26 years old.A girl of 16 seems to have fallen in love with me - These feelings are cannot be reciprocated since I am 26.An age gap of 10 years would be hard to explain to others and although I really like her, I cannot allow her to be with me (and me with her).She is a friend I do not want to lose. She's got a great personality and the last thing I want to do is to hurt her.I have tried to tell her she's too young and that we'd be doomed right from the start. I've told her that I will have higher expectations of a partner than she might be able to give (I lead an active sex life, for example).And what happens if we get together and she loses her virginity to me and it doesn't work out - I think she'd be quite devastated - I'm not being egotistic here but she's in love and I knew how it felt when I lost mine and it didn't work out.I care for her too much to hurt her. She's adorable, funny and would be a great girlfriend but she's too young.Under experiences (in life) and absolutely innocent.The problem for me, is that she's too young - People would look down on us and how could I possibly treat her like a girlfriend in public? How could I take her to places that boyfriends and girlfriends go without me looking like a paedophile.I'm not a bad person but I seriously do not know how to handle this?Surely we can't possibly be together?Or how do I nip this in the bud, now?
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female
reader, Catlova +, writes (9 February 2007):
in Colorado where I live, it would be legal for you to date a 16 year-old, as long as her parents were okay with it. But be careful, your age gaps may seem a little sketchy at this time. For like serious dating and sex, I say it would be best to wait until she is 18. My uncle was 35 when he married my aunt who was 17 at the time and they were living in Arkansas when this happened!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her everything you have written here...tell her she is adorable, would make a great girlfriend and you think a lot of her, but you are not on the same page emotionally, or in life and that you are dating or involved with someone else more your own age.
She may be a little disappointed at first, but if you handle it with respect and love she will always look up to you and think what a great reference point you were for picking a love of her own, that she deserves decency, respect and admiration from a partner.....your role is one of counselor and you can offer her guidance, but nothing more as you know that she is too young for you to return her feelings on a deeper level, she admires you more than loves you which is certainly a component of love, but not the whole enchilada.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): I just finished reading what your had to say here. I agree with you and disagree with you.
The reason I agree with you on this matter, is because there is such an age gap between you and her. You have lived your life and have probably experienced many different things over the years, that she's never done or maybe never will do. She still is however in high school, and maybe a bit nieve to certain things. Maybe one of the reasons she would like to be with you, is because she feels you might have something more to offer for her than the young men in her school. You know, on a more spiritual or emotional level. That might be the reasons she feels she needs to be around you, and not just on the friendship side of things.
The reasons I disagree you shouldn't try at least being with her, is just because there is a bit of an age gap there, she just might turn out to be the one that you were meant to be with. Since you seem to have some issuse with the age difference, and if she's still the same person in 5 or so years from now, and your both still close in the friendship, them maybe you could try having a relationship with her then? It's just a thought.
Thanks for listening.
Katrina
(Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)
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A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (22 January 2007):
 My mother was 16 when she started going out with my dad who was 26. They were married for 64 years until he died aged 92!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (22 January 2007):
 You sound like a really nice guy. Clearly, this girl has good taste. I think that you're right about a lot of things... I think your life experiences at this point are just a little too uneven. You lead an active sex life, for one. She's (theoretically) in high school and you have (theoretically) finished college (that is a BIG presumption on my part. Even if you hadn't... you're done with all the 16 year old drama of high school).
I know that relationships with age gaps can work. But for right now, I think that this relationship would hinder you both. I think she'd be trying to grow up a little too fast, and I think your growing would slow down a little bit.
If you ask me, I think you should wait until she's 18. 18-28, not so bad. Even better if you wait until she's 20, but 18 is alright too. I know that from age 16 'til age 18, I changed a lot. A LOT.
Wait until she is legal (for sex, for porn, for lotto tickets and cigarettes)... that's my thought on the subject.
However, if the feelings are just too strong after awhile and you can't take the waiting anymore, well - you do what you feel is right. But it sounds like you feel like waiting a little more until she's a little more mature (which is a very respectable thing to be doing).
Just throwing that into the mix of answers.
xxIndia
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the responses.
I am attracted to her, very much so but she needs to know that I am not her age (mentally and experience wise).
I don't want her to be my age before she's had a chance to live and I am frightened that by allowing a relationship with her, that might happen.
I'm not saying I am NOT attracted to her but I need to be smart to.
I wanna do the right thing (for both of us) because I do like her, am attracted to her and think she'd be great for me but what if I am not so great as the person she has put on the pedastall.....I don't want her to be dissappointed or broken hearted.
I'm not saying those are my intentions but I've never had a relationship with an age gap so big.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): dont worry say to her sorry but i too old for u there a 20 years between us and we can be friends but not girlfriend and boyfriend dont fall out wiv me over this coz u my best m8 just want to say i too old or u but we cand still be m8s i promise and if she sed yes well she a true friend if she sed no and fall out wiv u she is not a ggdg mate
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A
female
reader, charley mcfarley +, writes (22 January 2007):
hey, listen up matey,
age is not always the issue,
do you like her?
if so then you need to do some serious thinking before going ahead and deciding that this cant happen.
i understand that its not just the age gap itself but the fact that shes 16 and therefore may not be sure what she really wants.
my aunt and uncle have an age gap of 12 years, and have been together since she was 19.
maybe if you explain to her that for you age is an issue and you want to remain close friends, then maybe in the future your relationship may further develop. but dont just decide that it can NEVER happen.
until then maybe you had better try and back off a little and make sure she is aware of your true feelings.
buh bye =] xx
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (22 January 2007):
 I think you're right. It needs nipping in the bud and quickly. An age gap of ten years wouldn't be such a big deal if she was 25 and you were 35 but I think if you were to date her you'd find her too immature to be with. That's nothing personal towards this girl, just that she's sixteen and that's what happens. Don't tell her you have any feelings for her because that will make her think she has a chance. Just tell her she's a great girl and if you'd met in ten years perhaps you could have something but now isn't the right time for either of you.
CD
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A
female
reader, Juliette +, writes (22 January 2007):
If you genuinely are not attracted to her as a long term mate then just be firm and sensitive. Gently disregard her advances with a smile and keep a sensible distance. If it is just the age putting you off, keep friends with her for a year and see how you feel then. Ten years is nothing if you are with the right person, and the ability to be wise does not always come with advancement of age.
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A
female
reader, Reebe +, writes (22 January 2007):
 Can't you be together? I think maybe not, the age gap is already a problem and your not even dating!
You seem a nice guy, try and be sensitive to her feelings, as you say you know how it feels.
Explain your reasons and hope she understands you can't stop her feeling hurt but as you know this is all part of growing up, and unfortunatly your going to be the bad guy for a while she will get over it and hopefully you can remain friends.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Reebe +, writes (22 January 2007):
Can't you be together? I think maybe not, the age gap is already a problem and your not even dating!
You seem a nice guy, try and be sensitive to her feelings, as you say you know how it feels.
Explain your reasons and hope she understands you can't stop her feeling hurt but as you know this is all part of growing up, and unfortunatly your going to be the bad guy for a while she will get over it and hopefully you can remain friends.
Good Luck!
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