A
male
age
41-50,
*eekinghelp
writes:Hey everyone,Im sure my subject line gives you all a good idea of what my post is about, but let me give a couple details.My gf and I have been together about a year and a half now and are living together now about 8 months. Our relationship is both very good, and very bad at times. I love her dearly, and I am sure that she is attracted to me and likes me deeply, but I am not sure her affection goes much deeper for me than that. She says she loves me, but I often have a hard time understanding her love for me.She told me when we moved in together that she had been seeing her ex bf while we were together. In a completely platonic way she says, but none the less she never informed me of it, never mentioned him, and it wasn't until I strait up asked her if he was in her circle of friends did she tell me. In the start of our relationship, this ex bf had caused some problems for us. I also found that she was keeping contact with people whom which she had sexual flings with in her past. After a lot of debate and discussion about this topic, she assured me that she didn't feel the need to keep these people in her life anymore, and would rather focus her attention on me than other men.Great. Our relationship continues, and after a while she starts to hang out with another guy. This guy, she says that she has never been with sexually, and that they are just friends. This, I don't have so much of a problem with, I don't mind her having male friends... But, it gets a little more complicated.She never includes me in their time together, usually it consists of her and him, and they do their own thing. She says that they go to play tennis, or ride bikes in the park together, or just hang out and do whatever... She says that because I work during the days, that she cant fit me into their schedule together. I have a hard time understanding why she can't just wait for me to get home, and we all go out together...One of the things that really bothers me about their relationship is that they will often smoke pot together. I can't say too much about this, because I smoke it too, and we both smoke it together... But, I find it a bit daunting to think of her out getting loaded with this other guy. They have also spent time drinking together as well. He has also given her presents, etc.Now, its not like this is once a month, or once every now and then. Its a couple times a week they go out alone together. They text, email, and talk to each other too. The only thing that bothers me really, is that she goes out with him alone, without me. I hate this, and it has been a sticking point in our relationship for some time now. I often dont say anything to her, but when I find out she had spent the day with this other guy I often turn bitter and resentful of her.Last night, was a turning point. We got into a huge argument about this, and it was too the point where are relationship was put on the line. I told her that I don't feel comfortable with her going out alone with other men. I told her that its not this guy in particular, but that she seeks to spend time with men outside of our relationship. She says that she feels its normal and completely ok to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. I agree, but I feel like she is crossing a line of respect for our relationship. Her excluding me from their time together, them getting loaded together, and them going out together so often makes me extremely un comfortable in our relationship.As a side note, she has had a rather promiscuous past. And while I try not to judge her because of it, or use it against her, one of the things she told me is that she would often sleep with her "friends" in her past. She told me that often her male friends would come out and tell her that they loved her, or wanted to be with her, etc and she would end up sleeping with them. While I don't think that casual sex is bad, or having sexual experiences with people who are close to you is bad, I do think that she is either being a bit naive about this "friend". Knowing that she held her friends in this regard in her past has put a giant dent in how I see her current friendship with men. She does not have a history of cheating, that I know about. But she has told me that she has cheated before, not on me, but on a bf who she was with for a couple years.I love her, and I really want to make this work, but I am not sure it will. I don't feel the need to have relationships with other women outside of us, and if I did I would never feel comfortable going out with them one on one, and especially not going out and getting loaded with them. I asked how she would feel if the roles were reversed, and she said she does not know how she would feel. But I can almost 100% guarantee that it would make her jealous, but I would never put her in that situation to begin with.Sorry for the extremely long post...Thanks
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male
reader, seekinghelp +, writes (16 January 2009):
seekinghelp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for you very concise replies. I appreciate them all. As you can probably tell, this relationship is very important to me, and if it wasn't I would not be trying to make amends with it.
I love this girl, more so than I thought I ever could. To a point where I think it is becoming destructive. I am unaware if I am being too extremely jealous about this, or if I am actually within my rights. I know that I have no right to tell her who she can and cant hang out with, or when and how they can hang out... But on the flip side I feel as though if she truly loved me and respected me I wouldn't be here posting about this. It's not like she is out posting about how I am spending intimate alone time with another woman.
I try to not let it bother me, I have been trying that for the past 6 months. But its all too frustrating. She feels like I am trying to control her, but that is not my intentions. No, really all I want is for her to respect our boundaries together. My feelings regarding her spending alone time with other men will never change, I will never be ok with that, and that I am sure of.
I will never be ok with the fact that my gf goes out and gets high with other guys while I am out at work, it will never sit well with me, no matter what she or anyone else says to me. I will never be cool with her going out and playing tennis, or riding bikes in the park, those are things that we should do together, not things she should be doing with other men. If she had a school project, or something work related that she needed another man to help her with, I would be cool with that, or something along those lines. But her going rout and enjoying another man and their time together feels as though she is stepping over certain lines.
Ugh, I posted this in a couple forums. I am generally getting three different responses. One is that it is normal and that I should let her do her thing. The other is that it is not normal and that she is probably already cheating on me. The other is that I should just accept it for what it is and either move on or adjust.
To be honest, this whole thing has been a rather blow to my feelings of security in our relationship. I love her, but I can feel myself starting to lose interest in her. I don't want to devote myself to someone who I feel can not give me that in return... I dont know... It sucks.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): Ultimatums are the worst, do not do that as all you are going to do is make her angry and eventually end your relationship.
That said I am not saying that you should put up with this, it does sound as one person said that she is dating the dude while in a relationship with you. It is clear you are fine with opposite sex platonic relationships and are feeling that his relationship has been excluded from you. I understand that, have been in that and it is not fun.
In my opinion you have two choices, cut your losses and leave as this is a situation that you are not comfortable with, your gf is not seeing what it is doing to you therefore not worth the relationship. The other choice is that even though you say you are not judging her past promiscuity, you are even in that you mention it. If you were not judging it you would not bring it up as a point...not that it is bad, I would do the same, but realize you are judging.
This leads me to the second option, accept their relationship and do not let it bother you. If you can take a day off work and see if you can be included when they go out. Change your schedule to join them. Why should they have to change for you to join them. This is of course on the premise that she is being truthful about it being platonic, but that is what I am going on with this option. Anyway, what I am trying to get at is that you have to let all of the jealousy go. If she is cheating you will find out and move on, but trying to force her who she can and cannot go out with is only going to push her away and possibly push her into cheating if she is not. yes she probably is underestimating the "friend" and he might have other motives, but they might not. But from experience I can tell you that you do not find that out or you do not create a good relationship by arguing about it, giving ultimatums or judging it. That just pushes away.
Worst case scenario she is cheating and you are better off not to be with a person like that. So don't give an ultimatum. Talk to her, let her know that you are supportive and plan a day when you can be off work or a day that you are off and something you can all do together. You will know from how they are acting if anything is wrong as well...but relax and if you have to move on just cut the cord and you are better off for it.
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A
male
reader, Kepi  +, writes (16 January 2009):
 Mate, I've been going thru a similar situation to the extent that at this moment she has flown off to vegas for ten days to see if she still has feelings for her ex. I have been considering whether to break up with her (and we have on a number of occaisions) however, when I walk out she falls apart, we've had to deal with some really bad things in her life and she has become dependent on me.
However, lets look at this from our points of view, if the girl really had feelings then she wouldn't be doing this would she? Is there something missing in the relationship that she needs to find elsewhere? Is she feeling loved, or are we just comfortable with the way things are?
To be honest, I don't think that you should put up with such behaviour, sure, if you were invited into this social circle maybe it would help you to see there is nothing in it, but the exclusion helps feed the fire for doubts and uncertainties..... You need to make an ultimatum, not an aggressive one, but one where u explain ur feelings, worries and concerns, let her explain her actions, make sure you both listen to each others words and try not to jump in with something she says that u don't like.
Be prepared to accept that things are not going to change, but not in the way that you simply become a doormat and let her get away with things, if there is no common ground on this then you should consider your alternatives which could even include breaking up.
I can understand what you are going through, truly I can, hopefully you can solve the issues and make the realtionship stronger (if u do, give me some tips :) )
The BBC have some good advice sections on relationships and getting thru issues, I have found them very informative and helpful, if u get chance take a read, you never know, it might just help (http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/comm_listen.shtml )
Hope things work out for you, truly, give us an update on how its going.
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A
female
reader, love_on_the_rocks__h3art  +, writes (16 January 2009):
Don't put up with it.
She is basically dating that guy on the side while in a relationship with you. Perhaps even testing out the waters to see how it goes with him first.
Make sure she knows how you feel about it and sit her down and give her an ultimatum. It's either him or you. If this is hard for her or if she says she does not want to choose... then she pretty much chose the other man. Be sure to stand your ground and leave her if it is that important to you. Otherwise, if you let this slide and stay with her then it'll begin a pattern.
That attention should be focused on you rather than some other "friend".
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