A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For three years before he met me my boyfriend was in love with his best friend. She didn't feel the same way. He told me about her early on in the relationship, and said they had sorted things out between them and he didn't have feelings for her anymore. He still sees her when she is back from university, but he never tells me when he is meeting up with her. This really bothers me.A few months ago he actually lied about being with one of his male friends when he was really meeting up with her, and when I found out he said he lied because he knew I'd feel jealous if I knew he was with her, and didn't want to upset me. He said it would never happen again. While I don't think he lies anymore, he just never tells me when he's with her, which makes me uneasy because his hiding it makes me wonder if he has something to hide - does he still have feelings for her? I'm also worried by her behaviour towards me - for a year she made excuses not to meet me, and when we finally did meet, she seemed annoyed every time my boyfriend showed me affection. I'm worried she's starting to have feelings for him, and regrets turning him down. She also gets invited to events with his family that I don't, for example the year before I met my boyfriend she went on holiday with him and his family, but I've never been invited on holiday with them. I feel second best to her and I'm worried she'll take him away from me.Should I try and talk to my boyfriend about this? If so, what should I say? I don't want to come across as paranoid, but this is bothering me so much that I feel I need to say something.
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female
reader, KRSMouse +, writes (28 April 2010):
In keeping secrets from you, he is being unreasonable. You should talk to him and tell him that you don't have a problem with them spending time together, but that maybe it would be nice if he took you along too, tell him that if she is so important to him then it is important to you to have a good relationship with her too. Try to be her friend, and if she is nice to you, you will come to trust them together anyway, and if she isn't, odds are he will have a falling out with her about it!Even though she never liked him herself, I would say she probably felt that having him there was a safety, say if she was lonely, or if she never found someone she wanted to be with, she had him to fall back on? And now that you are in the picture, all that has changed. I wouldn't take it personally, as I doubt its you she dislikes so much as she dislikes him being with anyone. Just try to make an effort, and then you cannot be faulted.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): I totally agree with raiders you have to allow some time to get to know this friend of his. If you plan on being in his life for a long time you should get to know all of his close friends, they won't be leaving anytime soon. Tell your boyfriend that you are open to start a friendship with this other woman and he will become more open with you about when he is going to meet her. Also, if he is going to cheat on you with her there really isn't anything you can do about that... In the meantime be supportive and try to trust him as best as you can. You don't want to drive him away, by not trusting him. I know it's hard, I'm going through something like this now, except my guy just met this woman. I do have to say that family vacations in the future should not include this friend. It should be you, if the family is just having the family and not any friends then it's their time. If the family invites this friend instead of you then you should talk to your boyfriend about it. She may be jealous that you are with him, but that's exactly it... You are with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): I can't help but wonder why you have to insert yourself into thier relationship? He should be the one doing that, not you. You might want to reassess who has a higher priority with him, you or her? If it's her, then it might be time to force thier hand. Sorry for the directness, but be glad this isn't happening to you as a spouse. You shouldn't have to defend your status in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 They are friends and sometimes females gets a little paranoids when her boyfriend or husband have a friendship with someone from the opposite sex. We can't accept this and feel threaten and start feeling jealous. This has been his friend, and she has met his family as a friend. When they meet and your boyfriend don't mention it can it be that he don't want to upset you. You should ask him to stop being secretive when they go out, and that you will not make a big deal about it, and he might be more open as when he is going to meet her. His girlfriend hasn't really had time to know you and might feel awkward around you, try tagging along in some of their meetings so she can have a chance to know you and you will get to know her better. Don't jump to any conclusions welcome her into your life.
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