| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Ok, I apologise beforehand because I truly need to rant, I've been having an awful week regarding this problem!I hate it when people say to ugly people "just accept yourself, love yourself... if you don't feel it, just fake confidence!". IT DOESN'T WORK! Like it was that easy... and let's face it, even when you're the nicest person on Earth, people (and men, in my case) will still like the gorgeous girl better... because guess what people, gorgeous girls can also be nice and smart, so why bother? Should I date a blind guy? Huh?I hate being and feeling like this, I'm just so ugly, believe me, people have told me all my life. And I just look at myself in the mirror, and I see an ugly girl. And it's not fixable (it's not like I have a pretty face but I'm overweight... my weight is actually normal and healthy!). Yesterday I was with my boyfriend and this community festival, and a lot of gorgeous chicks were walking around half naked, some other busty chick was singing with a band, bouncing all over the stage. I got mad that he was looking, I mean, honestly if I've been told I'm ugly all my life and he's looking at these obviously hotter chicks (all guys were drooling), how am I not supposed to feel like shit? And he got all mad that I was jealous again, he told me to just deal with it. I never look at other guys, I don't feel attracted to them, so I don't feel it's fair!Really, people, it's very easy to just say "he's a guy, let him look, just accept yourself", because you're not as ugly as me, you don't know how much it hurts seeing all these pretty girls getting the type of attention that I'll never get. I never hear any compliments. Let's face it, there ARE ugly people around (that thing about everyone being beautiful is BS) and these people HAVE IT MORE DIFFICULT!So tell me, what the hell am I supposed to do? How can I make my boyfriend understand what I feel? He's good looking (well I think he's hot), but he has never been called ugly, like I have. How can I make him understand how I feel if I'm ugly and there are millions of better looking women out there, how does he expect me to just accept it and feel great about myself, not feel jealous and feel good about being nice, if tehse girls are probably nice too? He just doens't know them, and oh right, "he chose to be with you", but that doesn't make me feel pretty when he looks at hotter girls. He doesn't stare or ogle when I'm around, but if there's a hot chick singing, he'll watch the show. And if I ask, he'll be honest and tell me "yes, she is pretty". And I know he thinks they look better.UGH I HATE BEING UGLY WHY DOES NOBODY UNDERSTAND?!?! I'm so frustrated, sorry, but it's true, nobody understands how I feel, I really, really feel ugly, gross and very hurt, my boyfriend won't talk to me, because he says he's tired of my insecurities, but he still thinks other girls are prettier, so how does he expect me to feel? And how am I ever expected to feel good in a relationship if everywhere I go there are prettier women (who're also nice and smart, don't forget!). Why bother... should I just quit relationships?
View related questions:
confidence, jealous, overweight, says he's tired Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, wam  +, writes (21 October 2010):
Hi,i see your point,but you are still attractive to him,because he is with you.The worst thing being ugly does is it makes you feel unattractive,but apparently you are attractive,or you would not have a boyfriend,even if you are physically not a beauty or even average,someone still finds u attractive.Be happy about that.and realize even beauties are not perfectSome one else might have alot of things better than you,but you might have something else that makes up for your other defficiences that makes the difference in the attraction.The beauties might not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): I wish I could help. I feel that way to. I am a nice person but there are more attractive girls out there. When you said you were ugly then added you had a hot boyfriend, I realized you are not as unattractive as you believe. I do not know what else to tell you because I am going through the same thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): I wish I could help. I feel that way to. I am a nice person but there are more attractive girls out there. When you said you were ugly then added you had a hot boyfriend, I realized you are not as unattractive as you believe. I do not know what else to tell you because I am going through the same thing.
...............................
A
male
reader, Warlord  +, writes (13 November 2009):
its obvious that the fault is with your guy.it isn't fair to reject a girl because she doesn't have a models look . do not call your self ugly for god sake.gods creations are beautiful , have faith in it.my girl is average looking and i never had a problem regarding her looks.. you cannot fall in love with a girl for her looks because there is much more within her . we should develop our love based on feelings not looks. i think your a great girl my advise for you is do not put your self down for anyone and for any reason , good people judge people by looking at their heart not their looks. make him realize that ... or u dump him before he dumps u. u will feel superior.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): Remember that even boyfriends with beautiful women always look at other women as well.Even beautiful women get cheated on and divorced. There is no guarantee that just because your good-looking that you will be happy. Look at all those "beautiful" women celebrities, they too get cheated on by their boyfriends and end up breaking up.Besides, when you get really old(and every will) looks doesn't matter. Your just happy that you have a companion by your side.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): DearI fully undesrtand what you're going through cause i'm in almost the same situation! my husband wont hide his feelings when he sees a hot or pretty woman! he'd directly say she is! he never called me ugly. and never comment negatively to my appearance but he also never said that i'm pretty or anything. cauze honestly i'm not! he keeps saying i have a kind heart and that's why he's with me.and it really HURTS! I know..you feel you're less and you have to work harder than the pretty girls to be accepted.i'm trying to think in another way than the way i think now not only because it hurts but it could be the wrong way of thinking! consider that you might be wrong and people who said you're ugly means they see you ugly! but other people can see yuo beautiful! some guys but few has told me that i'm hot or beautiful or having pretty lips or such! and it means you're not ugly 100%! and ofcourse not.ok and when i stare at some girls in college where there are many many girls pretty, super pretty, hot, ugly and super ugly! but i found that truely...some ugly woman look very attractive that i'm as a woman myself would like to sleep with them!!!!!!!!!! hehe no i'm serious...the way they look and talk and walk and dress up ..is just wow! but when i stare to the face i say OMG! I'm even prettier than her! why is she so confident and attractive and stunning like that! I'm not trying to comfort you but it's true!if your BF thinks you're ugly but he just stays with u cuz you have a good heart it's not your real bussiness..i mean the reason why he sticks with you. the important thing is how he treats you. and another thing is ...girl...dont you even show you're insecure about the way you look like cause you'll look really ugly to all people around.yesterday i wear some nice make up and dressed up wonderfully and went out with my husband and kept smiling and laughing (even though my tooth are big and ugly!)...and he said i look nice...so i got a bounce theregirl if you're looking for fairness..there's no such thing! com on! imagine...you're a moderate looking girl and maybe pretty but you're poor and you went to a festival with ugly cloths and you smell bad and your pretty hair is just dirty and dull...who would think you're pretty? few people maybe but in general you are not hot at all! the life is going in that way just support what you have to get the best life you can get! right? it's a rule for everyone not only ugly girls :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): I think the important thing to realise , is thatif you continue being this insecure, your boyfriend will get fed up and dump you
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): I know how you feel i honestly do, i have no answer though. I am searching for the answer also. My story is pretty much the same as yours. I have never been the prettiest girl and i have always wanted to be beautiful. You know one of those girls that every guy stops to take a second look at.
I have a boyfriend who i love very much but i don't feel like he respects me. I am not attracted to any other guy but he always talks about how pretty certian girls are most of the time right in front of me and it hurts my feeling but he doesn't see why. He always says whats the big deal im dating you. It just hurts to know that im not enough for him. i mean i guess guys will look at girls but does he have to right in front of me and then talk about how beautiful she is?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): I know exactly how u feel my boy friend says it to me aswell. Just the other week he turns around to me and he goes ive just noticed you have got no tits cant u have a boob job n ill pay! :@ well that was it he got the biggest slap of his lifetime. yh i admit i hardly got none but he shouldnt say it just like your other half shouldn't say your ugly. the slap worked on mine. Im not saying do it but just keep it in mind lol. if it happens again i will smash up his xbox which is like his second girl friend XD and thn i will dump him.
But really do what feels right by you no one can tell you what to do people can advise you and the rest is up to you love.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Well it could be worse, you could have no legs and no arms so think of people who have to deal with things like that!. YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND so you probably are not that bad looking and being pretty isn't exactly the best thing ever the inside does matter you could be the most attractive girl and be a big bitch and lonely because of that or you could be less attractive and a really nice person most guys will go for the less attractive girl who is nicer. But if you think you are that bad maybe do something about it change your hair? Change how you do your makeup? but if its really really bad ( and im sure its not) there are many options to make yourself "prettier"
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Boy,don't really know where to begin here. And I'm not sure if this will help because I want to commiserate with you. I know that people replying only want to help-they have your best intentions at heart. But we can not see you, do not know you so it is hard to interpret all of this.
If you are saying these things about your looks,pretty vehemently-I can not call into doubt your basis for feeling this way.i will also say that I too had quite a few people tell me that i was ugly growing up. Quite frankly, it STINKS. It is so hard to live in a society that prizes looks above all else. It really is. It's even harder if you go out of your way to take care of yourself, dress nicely, eat well, etc;. Society wants us to swallow that pill-the everyone's beautiful and there is someone out there for everyone rhetoric. what a bunch of bs. no one wants the less genetically fortunate to feel badly, but we are BOMBARDED day in and day out with images of perfect faces and perfect bodies. Why wouldn't everyone go toany length to achieve that-it is the only goal after all, right? It's great when your self-esteem has been absolutely annihilated by cruel people yourwhole life and than you have to listen to people try to think of the next way to euphemize the predicament of being less attractive. like I said, even more difficult when this is no fault of your own-you said"it's not like I'm overweight".
Until society changes what it prioritizes(and I'mnot holding my breath)we must continue living some semblence of life. if you have a job,focus on that-my job gives me purpose-and that's a start. And if you have any passions, throw yourself into those. Music is the cure-all for me. I'm not going to spew any more rhetoric at you-I know that you're tired of it and I don't blame you. but I do wish for you the type of peace that you deserve. If I could grant you that, i would. Please hang in there.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): You have a boyfriend, so why are you so concerned? He must find something appealing.Honestly, a man wouldn't be a man unless he gazed at pretty women. Don't you look around yourself?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): I wrote this originally. Why can't people understand that there are GENUINELY ugly people out there and that I'm one of them? And that it's not about confidence. Look, before I started dating my boyfriend, most of our interaction was online, so there's a good chance he was and has always been more attracted to my personality right? I'm just so frustrated because all I've ever wanted is to feel beautiful and I can't, because I'm not, and I'm not imagining it, it's true! Otherwise why would I have had a lot of people since age 6 until today call me ugly, huh? Why? Lack of confidence? Ugly personality? I don't think so!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 I really cant believe you feel like this when you have a boyfriend! If you were that ugly then he wouldnt have come near you in the first place right?! I would have more sympathy for you if you were claiming to be ugly, without a boyfriend, never been kissed etc.
I am 22 and without a boyfriend, I've been single for 8 months now. I was bullied constantly for 4 years, with every part of my body being subjected to ridicule. I was told I looked like a man, that I was ugly, that I was fat....you name it, they said it to me! So I fully believed that there was no way I would ever be attractive to anyone and that I am just ugly through and through.
Now I am older I am still a little overweight (not massively) and I would say I am average looking. I am horribly insecure about my body and my looks but I try and make the most of myself because I dont want to let the bullies win. I am pretty clever and I would like to think I have got a good personality. I have never had trouble with men up until this year, when it seems that I just cannot get a boyfriend! No-one will even look at me really, when I go to clubs/bars I get no attention - no idea what has happened really but it seems recently I am just no attractive to the opposite sex!
Whereas you have a boyfriend - you have a man that is attracted to you therefore you must be attractive! There will always be girls that are prettier than you, thats life. But there are also people uglier than you, who are not as intelligent and who dont have such a great personality. So stop worrying about the prettier people, you cant change this so whats the use getting stressed out about it!
Men look at other women - simple as that. As for the singer - when someone is on stage, whether they are attractive or not you watch them because they are performing! So what did you want your boyfriend to do, stand with his back to the stage just because she is pretty?! When you watch a show you look at who is on stage because they are in front of you, that is just common sense! It sounds like your boyfriend really cant win with you!
Seriously you need to put things into perspective here - you have a boyfriend (who I presume you love and he loves you to). You are healthy and have a good life. You have more than millions of people around the world have yet you cannot see the good things in life and just focus on the fact that there a prettier women in the world than you?!
The most unnattractive quality in a woman to a man is a woman who is insecure and goes on all the time about how ugly she is. You are pushing your boyfriend away with your behaviour - men hate whiny women! If you moan all day saying "I'm so ugly, why cant you stop looking at other women, I'm so ugly why wont you understand" he will get bored to death of listening to you! He is attracted to you and loves you - he cant understand why you dont see yourself like that!
I think the issue here is you, not your boyfriend. There is a good chance you might have body dysmorphia which is a serious illness and if left untreated can turn into an eating disorder. Perhaps see your doctor and ask to be referred to a therapist, it could really help you. If its not body dysmorphia then you just have some serious issues that you are just going to have to get over if you ever want to be happy.
You are making the choice to turn this into an issue. All our boyfriend wants is for you to stop talking about yourself and just be happy - after all he is with you and he fancies you therefore he will never understand why you seem to hate yourself so much! In his eyes you are gorgeous and a great girl because he decided he wanted you to be his girlfriend - so he will never be able to understand why you dont see yourself in the same way. Just as you will never be able to see a gorgeous girl in the mirror until you deal with your problems.
The more I read your post the more I think you have some psychological problems (not meaning that in a bad way, we all have them!) that need to be addressed. Either you have chronic low self-esteem or body dysmorphia so I do hope you see a doctor to address these issues. Body Dysmorphia is where you cannot see the real you in the mirror - it is pretty much where you see all your flaws and see an ugly person instead of the attractive person you really are. It is an unreal image of yourself that you have in your head that you project into real life, so even your own view in the mirror becomes distorted. Like when a six stone anorexic girl sees a fat girl in the mirror - everyone else can see she is terribly thin but to her she is fat and can only see a fat girl looking back at her. Its almost like she is projecting a fat suit onto herself that doesnt exist.
If you really do just see an ugly girl in the mirror and it is affecting your life this badly then I would recommend you see a doctor and then a therapist. There is no shame in seeing a therapist - you need help to readjust your body image and you cannot do this alone. You need professional help to get you to see the real person in the mirror, not this false projection you have in your head.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, teiliababy +, writes (8 September 2009):
 no it is silly to end a relationship because you think you are not attractive. nobody is ugly ya there may be people out there that make look pretty but it shouldn't matter you are as much beautiful then anybody else int he world. you should except your self for who god made you. dont ever feel down because someone calls you ugly just think maybe they could be jealous that they dont got the things you got and they wish they had them things. you are as much special as anyone else out there and its about time for your to see that.
...............................
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (8 September 2009):
 well beauty is only temporary none of those girls will be so hot in 40 years. Realationships are about more then just how good you look there's gotta be more to it, I have seen gorgeous women with not so attractive men and vice versa. If you feel your so unattractive then you should just be satisfied that you where actually able to get a bf, There any many post on here where women claim there attractive but stll are having trouble finding a bf.
HEs a guy he gonna look hes gonna think other women are attractive maybe even more attractive then you but its not just looks your so stuck on the beauty issue when your 80 yrs old well all look like sht so who cares just live your life.
your attitude and skewered way of seing thngs is gonna drive your bf away. you thnk being beautiful will solve all your problems it wont hell if i could wake up tomorrow looking like Brad Pitt i wouldnt want to im just gonna live my life satisfied being me. theres millions of ugly people in this world its just what it is you cant punish your bf because of your lack of confidence.
I would suggest you look into plastice surgery the right modifications can gve you an ego boost and get off your bf back before he does hook up with one of those other girls.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that! I hope this helps, because I know how it feels to feel like that. I still do sometimes.
First things first. Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a schmuck. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but, seriously, he is there are people out there who will respect their partners enough not to ogle up every other person around them. How would he feel, I wonder, if you too started eyeing up the guys around you?
You shouldn't really be dating someone who makes you feel so bad about yourself, although of course this is up to you. You need to work on your self-confidence first, and some things just will not help. There is a great article here (by CodeWarrior) which I'd really advise you read:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-confidence-and-how-do-i-get.html
Also, avoid reading all the fashion magazines that make you feel that way and so on (and worrying about how you look compared to other people); they are just there to make you buy their stuff. Work on yourself first, and then figure out what you want from a relationship (if you want one at all.) The kind of guy who's not going to commit will obviously be more looks-obsessed (or, to be blunt, shallow.)
To add my personal perspective to this, I guess I have seen this from both sides. When I was younger, my family members used to call me ugly or hint I wasn't at all attractive. For a while, I believed them.
But then I realized, if someone cares about you so little that they'll try to hurt your self-esteem, why should you care about their opinion so much anyway? So, whenever someone is obviously trying to make you feel bad about yourself for no reason other than to feed their own insecurities, don't listen to them, and don't spend time with them. Their loss.
Now I've grown older, I am actually now what I guess one would call conventionally pretty (Sorry, I really hope I don't come across as patronising or arrogant here...) And it's more of a downside, a lot of the time.
Why? Well, for starters, when a guy is being nice to me, a lot of the time, he might just be nice to me because he's shallow and I look a certain way. So, whereas some girls only get the attention of the guys who aren't fickle, I get the attention of both types of guys. Both the decent guys who will commit and the shallow jerks who want a "hot chick" to parade around.
Honestly, who wants the latter? No-one is "hot" forever - we all grow old eventually! Again, I'm sorry if I sound arrogant, but I hate it when a guy who has just met me starts talking to me in a mushy, sweet way, and I know that, if I'd been born with a different kind of genetic makeup, he would have treated me very differently! What I'm trying to say is that those kinds of compliments are worthless because beauty is (relatively) worthless and, dare I say it, the shallow guys who give them are relatively worthless too...?
It's not always easy to tell whether someone likes you because of your personality or because of your appearance, either. People objectify you; a lot of the time, they won't bother to look beneath the surface. The same guy who smiled at you when you had your hair down won't take a second glance at you when you don't look so nice.
I guess the only thing one can do is to work on one's self-confidence, and only look good if it's for oneself (unless it's part of one's job and one's a model or something.)
Again, I hope this helps.
-BeingMyself
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Although I'm not incredibly, every body has those 'ugly days'. It doesn't matter how you look since love really is blind, if your bf can't treat you like ur the only one, don't bother. Instead, make up for it with your brains and abilities and show him how great you are
...............................
|
