A
male
age
36-40,
*ishbait1186
writes:i am the most positive person u will ever meet. i always see the best in people and every situation im in. i love life to the fullest and i love myself so much but sometimes i get so depressed sometimes it takes over and i cant stand it...i don't know what the problem is, maby it is because despite all the people in my life i feel so alone all the time. i sometimes feel like i have no one or nothing to live for and i just get caught up in my crazy thoughts it just ends up getting worse and worse. i become my own worse enemy and wish i had someone to be there for and someone that will be there for me.i seem like the one that's always the shoulder to cry on but where is my shoulder to cry on, where is my hug and support when i need it. im always there for every one else but when i need someone there is never ever anyone around to help, listen, understand, and help me through things.....where is the support when you need it? i help every one and support everyone and i am always there for people but i am always left in the dark when i need help what do i do im so hurt and have been for a while but don't know what to do... i just want to cry my eyes out all the time it is so bad!!! im going crazy i need to let this out i just don't know how or when or where im tired of being alone inside i hope someone understands and can help i defiantly need it please respond. if u ever meet me u would b surprised to see this text, don't come off like the depressing type im really happy go lucky and people love my energy but they don't see whats on the inside guess i need to let it out somehow hope someone out there can help and will understand please help im sorry :(
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 I think I understand you. For a long time I went with sadness inside me and without telling anyone. I'd cry every night, and from the crying got headaches the following morning and actually flunked a couple of classes in high school due to staying in bed in the morning. I didn't let on to anyone what I was deeply sad, not even my mother, not my brother, none of the people I called friends. No one had any idea, and I was loaded with responsibilities, and had to stand on my own two legs without any support. No one to see "me". So I do think I understand you. Others thought I was so happy, a very positive person, spreading joy. That's because I wanted to be happy, and making others smile would make me feel good as well (still does). But the "true" me is a sad person who carry many burdens. The difference between who I was then, and who I am now, is that now I am open about my sadness. I talk to people about it. I don't carry it as a secret, or as something taboo.
You can not wait for people to ask you. If you are anything like me you carry it well, hidden, and no one could have guessed. The only way to connect with people, and let them know the true you, is if you speak up. I didn't consider many to be close friends, and even the closest ones didn't know the true me. I didn't trust them enough to tell them, and thus no one would ever be real close to me. Because I didn't let anyone close enough to see me underneath the mask.
If you seek to be close to another human, and not be alone... you have to show them the true you. What first made me open up was a boy I met in high school who's dad had cancer. And he was open about how much of a burden it was, and how it affected him. And he said he went to therapy to talk about it. He wasn't insane, and you might think only the insane need to talk to someone... but sane people need it too. People who experience something that is difficult to carry alone. Just like you. It doesn't have to be anything wrong with you to seek help. You just have to dare ask for it.
A little before I met that boy, we lost a girl who were in our group of friends, and she was my bestfriend's bestie as well. She died from cancer at 16. To support my friend I told her about my own loss (a friend of mine committed suicide at 15). That was the first time I opened up to someone and told them about it. Some months after this, and after meeting the boy who went to therapy, I contacted a therapist and asked if I could come see her. And that's how I started to open up.
Even after going to therapy I only told one or two people about me going there. But this was the beginning of opening up. I didn't carry the burden alone anymore, and it was an enormous relief.
5 years later and I am now starting to open up to others as well, my friends, and tell them the truth. I get my "spring cleaning" moments, where I need to fix things in my life. On my to-do list is often telling another person in my life the truth, and be open about it. Recently I told my mother about me going to therapy, she had no idea, and Im going for the second time now (first time was 5 years ago and I kept it a secret then too). 2 months ago I told a friend I have known for 3 years.
Next I plan on telling my mother the rest of the truth about me, which is going to be hard, because I will likely rip apart every idea she had about who I am. Which explains why I waited for so long.
I hope you can find the strength to open up as well. Remember it doesn't have to be to everyone at once. But maybe one person, when you feel strong enough and brave enough. I was afraid to be rejected and pushed away. So it does take guts. But in life you must take some risks to win, and telling someone is the risk you take to win closeness to another human. You can start by telling a therapist if you feel ok with that, as they are professionals who know how to talk to you, they won't reject you, and they wont spill any secrets. They might even help you find the courage to tell your friends.
-chigirl
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (5 February 2011):
There is a good chance you are bipolar. Then you go from positive person to depressed person from time to time. And to know whether you are bipolar of not. You have to see a doctor.
Then there is the old story about a guy always ready to help everyone. This kind of people attracts people who need help and usually isn't able or don't want to help back. You have to start being a little more selfish.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): This is why support groups and therapy was invented. You also have family to turn to.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (5 February 2011):
 I understand exactly what you mean. I'm the same way in that I always help people and do have alot of people around me. The problem comes when I need help with an issue like with my relationship or just when I feel down it's hard to find someone to talk to. My gf is there but we can't really talk to each other about issues that we had, it just doesn't work like that. Most of my close friends also haven't had many relationships, if any and it's really hard to get advice from them.
Generally to feel better I like to help others with their problems and in doing so I learn alot to relate to my own life. I don't know if that works for you but it can't hurt to try. It is the reason why I'm on the site. It really makes me feel good when you hear about how your advice helped someone out. Maybe you could start answering questions here to cheer you up when you need it.
Other than that I use music and do try to talk to certain people for certain things but mostly I have learned to rely on myself.
Hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): i think i kinda understand you , well havent you got family and friends you can talk to and family to have a hug from . and no need to be sorry im like you im extremely happy , hyper funny but sumtimes i just get overwhelmed and just cry and get aggitated i just listen to music really loud and it bloks things out. If you ever want sumone to talk to them im here for you and maybe you cant talk to me :) RED LIPZ XX
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