A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 23 year teacher, single, own place to live, own car, good friends and supportive family. I am desperate to have a baby, and no it isn't to fill a void or anything like that. It's the one thing that I dream of most and my biggest goal in life is to have children (my own or adoption). I feel so ready but don't have anybody in my life yet. I love children and I almost guarantee I'll be a great mother, single or not. I just keep thinking that even if I met someone in the next year or so it's another 3 or so years before realistically having children so I'll be 27 years old at the youngest and I'm not sure I want to wait that long. Anybody got any advice? Do I just try and move past this and wait? It's all I think about at the moment. I know I am reasonably young but I can't help how I feel. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 It's interesting to read your post, as I am 27 years old, engaged and not interested in having children. :) All I can tell you is this: welcome to the real world where plans never quite work out as planed. You may have children at 27 or 36. You may meet your future husband in 3 weeks or 7 years. You may get divorced, you may be a single mother after getting dumped by the love of your life. As much as you plan, as much as you'd like to get your life goals plotted on a time frame, I assure you, it usually never goes according to plan. The only thing you can do really, is to accept it and roll with the punches. The second you start to think that you can move and shake things into place and according to schedule is when you get slapped with a healthy dose of reality and disappointment.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): OK, I have a different view. I have quite a few friends - granted they were older like in their mid to late 30s - who were so desperate to start families that they married the first person they could find once they got desperate. And usually that other person only married them back because they too were in a similar desperate-to-have-kids boat. A couple years and babies down the line: unhappy marriage, dead-end relationship going nowhere, but at least they are happy to be parents. Not exactly an enviable situation, IMO. One of these friends, at age 41 actually finally met the woman of his dreams whom he believes is "the one" but by now he's already married to the mother of his kids (whom he married only because both of them were desperate to have kids). and he is in a lot of angst over whether to divorce her or not.I guess what I'm saying is this: I think that having children is one goal. Finding the right life partner is a different goal. Both are equally valid and fulfilling. I think that a lot of problems happen when people try to insist that those two goals must be met by the same package. If you're easy going about either or both of these goals then you'll have a less stressful time because you will have a "take it or leave it" approach to life. But if you're focused and desperate to achieve one goal, but the other hasn't happened yet you require those two to happen together, now things get difficult and more complicated.If you are willing to wait for "the one", who knows when that will happen? Many people dont' meet their true life partner until later in life, maybe even past their natural childbearing years (for women). Or, the person who is 'the one' for you, may be unable to have kids biologically, or may already themselves have kids from a previous relationship and not want to go through the infant-raising stages again.Many people DO end up settling with whomever they are with at the time if/when they decide that it's more important to have kids and a standard nuclear family, than to have a true life partner. or they make compromises and learn to live with that. No one can tell you if this is right or wrong for you, it's different for everyone.Since you know you want very strongly to be a mother, and you know this, and its killing you to have to wait longer, I say, why not GO FOR IT now, as a single woman. Then you can take the pressure off yourself and off every man you will meet and date in the future.If every man you meet, or every relationship you get into, has this cloud hanging over it of "I need to start a family within X number of years because I really want children ASAP" that can put an artificial end or artificial beginning to a relationship that might turn out very different if left to play out on its own merits.I don't buy into the "you should wait because it will be harder to get a man if you already have kids" reason for holding back your dreams. Sure there are people who won't want to marry someone who already has kids, but so what? just cross those men off your list. You also don't have to wait longer just because you are young. There's advantages to having kids when you're young (provided you're ready and able to do so of course): being a youthful parent means you can participate in more activities with your kids than an older parent who has less energy or more work responsibilities. When your kids are grown and left the house, you're still going to be young enough (in your 40s) to basically start a new life all over again!there's no reason to force yourself to wait longer before having kids, IF you are ready and able to have kids responsibly now.you know you have a goal which is to have kids, and you yourself are ready. why hold yourself back by trying to add another piece to the jigsaw puzzle (a life partner who has yet to even materialize)? It sounds like your desire to have kids outweighs your desire to be with a life partner at least right now. So, why hold back from pursuing your dreams?the right man will come along in your life if and when the time is right. You never know when that will be. take the pressure off any future man you will be dating to hurry up and commit, by going ahead and having kids by yourself know.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 June 2012):
 I don't doubt you'd be fully capable of being a great mother and supporting a child (or two). BUT you're only 23 (I'm 23 as well). You're not giving yourself a chance to meet someone and start a family with them. At your age most guys who would be longterm partners are looking for someone they can start their own family with, not someone who has already done so. There's nothing wrong with wanting children, but I think bigger picture you'd be better off waiting. Not because you're not capable, but because you're still so young and have a lot more young-people stuff to do (travelling, dating, staying out late just because, going out with friends whenever you want).
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (19 June 2012):
 I don't not think you need to move past these thoughts and feelings, but you might want to give yourself a chance to actually meet someone and start a family. You are only 23 and I'm assuming you have just embarked on your career as a teacher, so why not wait a few years and see where life takes you? If you get to be 30-35 and you still haven't met anyone, then I would think seriously about how you would like to start a family being single. Also consider the time, effort, and finances needed to raise children with a single parent. My sister is currently doing this and is lucky to have her family as a support system to watch her son. She makes enough money to cover living expenses, but there is no way she could afford daycare. There is a lot to think about before you have a child on your own. Until then, I wouldn't be shy about dating...you might just meet someone when you least expect it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): Why 3 years? What if you meet someone tomorrow, and you get married in a year, or sooner, and 9 months later you have a baby. May be 2 years?
You are very young to have these kind of thoughts. now days people have babies much later in life. If it was 40 years ago, may be you d have to worry, but not these days, when women hVe a babies in their 30s and 40s
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