A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:heyi think i'm in alot of trouble.i've been seeing this guy, lets call him toby, for a good month or so and he's very sweet, kind, funny and good looking, i thought i had found my perfect guy.. he's always been busy with work and stuff, and because it was shift work he often had to work nights. not that i mind, you know i'm not a clingy person, you know every guy needs his space.well i recently found out through a good friend that i hadn't seen in a while that he's got a wife, not sure about the child status but it wouldn't surprise me if he did. my friend gave me an address too because i was sceptical at first but i went there to prove to her that it wasn't him, she's mistaken him for someone else. but sure enough there was his car in the driveway and another woman coming out of it.this means that for the past month i have been the other woman, i have been sharing him with his wife. or more correctly his wife has been sharing him with me.i never had any clue that he was married, he was never distracted or anything like that, just a normal boyfriend. i would like to say that looking back he left clues that he had a wife, but there wasn't anything, he was just a very caring boyfriend.i feel quite used, how could i have not noticed he was having an affair? with me!?what do i do? i can't stay with him because my own morals wont let him. but do i tell his wife? i feel like she needs to know that he's been cheating, even if that means her hating me. but if she does have children i would be tearing apart their family..please help i don't know what to do (but i know leaving him is definitely on the cards)anon x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): Because you probably are not the first person he has used like this, he's experienced at it.
He's used you.
Used his wife.
Betrayed both of you.
Let her know, somehow, tell her the truth, that you didn't know, tell her that a friend told you about him/her, and that you are sorry you didn't key to this earlier. Let her know when it started, etc, basically telling her everything about his operating habits. It will help her protect herself in the future.
Don't tell him anything, don't talk to him, if he calls or texts don't respond. Remember, liars are very good at what they do.
A
female
reader, questionable2009  +, writes (21 November 2011):
Don't feel guilty. You NEVER knew he was married.
You are doing the right thing by ending it. Whether you tell his wife is another thing. If it were me, i'd want to tell his wife. She may hate you but she will also thank you later on as he could cheat many times before she ends up finding out. At the same time, she may know something was up.
I'd also approach your boyfriend and ask him whats going on. Tell him straight out that you know about his wife. Sometimes things are more different than they seem. I'm not trying to give false hope, but its possible they have separated as aren't happy together and are dating other people. The fact he hasn't told you this is still cheating, but maybe in time he has wanted to tell you anyway.
This all could be bull though and he is just a player and you were the other woman. Ask him straight out then walk away with your head high as you didnt do anything wrong, you just got caught up with an idiot. We all do sometime during our life (i can vouch for that!!)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): You have only known this guy one month. It is hard to say. Great to leave him..absolutely leave him. Tell his wife...I am not sure. He could be crazy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): I would leave the guy and tell the wife at the same time.
I myself was "the wife" (although not married I was in a near on two decade relationship) and was contacted by a woman claiming to be "the other woman". The trouble was that, whilst she claimed to be completely innocent and said that my ex had told her that he was leaving me, she also related so many details about what had happened between them that it was obvious that, in reality, she knew but was kidding herself that he was still with me - the situation had gone on for over a year, during which time they had apparently argued almost constantly, and in which time he had seemed totally baffled about what they were doing and had thought they were friends. It was quite clear to me that although something definitely had happened, this woman was also clinging onto any detail at all that would prove that he loved her and not me. So, when she told me and although I believed her to an extent, I also felt that she had fooled herself and actually tried to manipulate my ex away from me.
Don't let it get to that stage. tell the woman straight up exactly how long you have been seeing him, exactly how you found out about his situation and exactly how "sexual" the whole thing was. Tell her that as soon as you were sure that he was married you have told her. Don't wait. This will help her so much because, in my case, I spent two years trying to work out how much my ex had actually been confused and manipulated - and I am still not sure to this day and it causes me pain. I would rather have been told straight away, it would have made things much easier in the long run.
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A
female
reader, moon river +, writes (20 November 2011):
 hey you never knew and the guilt you are clearly feeling shows you would never willingly do this!
if i were you i would tell his wife, it is the only way to undo what you have done.
don't beat yourself up about it. it was an honest mistake and you know that now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): Really pleased to see that you are going to do the right thing. It is a toughie, I feel for you I really do, must be a hard decision but has someone who's husband cheated on me and I found out afterwards that friends knew I would of preferred for them to tell me. Its up to you what you decide to do but I believe this woman deserves to know the truth and then it up to her what she decides to do. It is ultimately your decision and whatever you decide to do it will be the right one for you....
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