A
male
age
41-50,
*onfuseddaddy
writes:I am a 31 year old male who has been in a relationship for 8 years. We have 2 beautiful girls age 3 and 5. my fiance told me that she has had and ongoing affair with a man for about 4 months and will not break it off with him. she will not give me reasons why? other than she has not been happy for "a while" i am going through pure hell right now because i / we have tried to keep our family values in tact for our kids and i feel that she is just acting selfish and not thinking about our family. this man is also a violent man with felony criminal backround for domestic violence and violation of injunction charges not to mention he has a lifetime drivers license suspention, to name a few!!!! she seems not to care, she tells me "that is history and he has changed. i want to make it work for my family and i can forgive a lot but im starting to wonder... "better or worse" family is the most important thing to me and i feel that she is going through some sort of crisis. This is very out of the ordinary for my small town church going family girl what can i do , any advice will be helpful??
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male
reader, MyWife,MyLife  +, writes (1 May 2009):
I feel for you, I truly do. I'm very sorry that you are experiencing what you are.
In this situation, my advice for what it's worth, would be to focus on you and your daughters. My first wife had an affair and I forgave her. Much to my chagrin, she took advantage of this and years passed with her continuing to do the same. I suffered, my children suffered, and I wouldn't say I regret that time in my life, though, in hindsight, I definetly would have done things diffrently. If you feel you can sincerely forgive her, give her an ultimatum and live with it.
A
male
reader, confuseddaddy +, writes (1 May 2009):
confuseddaddy is verified as being by the original poster of the question all i can say is that she tells me that she has not been happy for years no specific things...i think she is tyring to find herself???? thats why in so confused no warning signs.. up until about march 15 we were planning our wedding and we were so happy or so it seemed. we even took trips to the coast,interviewed for jobs and were finally planning to make our move, the thing we dreamed about for many yearsthis doesnt make any sense at all??....she says that she loves me all the time when i speak to the kids or she does things for me. also she helped me find a house to move into she has been a big help but she is set not to be with me any more. we went to counceling but she quit after the first one and said she loves this man and we are done..but then we talk i see that there is still a spark but she denies it. we tried to work it out for about a month and did great but its like she flipped a switch and went the other way some days she is really great and others she seems mean and nasty i am trying to be the best daddy i can be through it and i will try to hold my family together i hope she finds her self soon so we can beging the task of rebuilding our family
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): Will she tell you why she is unhappy? Or what has led up to that? Is she willing to work on this with you? Because I am so sorry to say but if she has her mind set then what can you really do? However I would be taking some kind of action to make sure your little ones arent around this man if he has such a shakey past. Maybe remind her that she now has more than just herself to think about. I wish you the best of luck...J
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A
male
reader, iamthesupreamegod +, writes (1 May 2009):
 Counsuling is an option provideing both of you agree to it. If one of you doesn't then that is kind of a waste of money.
Failing that, I would ask a few questions: 1. Does she still love you? 2. What would have to change to make her happy again? 3. Is she even thinking about the kids? Beyond that, I'm not sure what else to say... Sorry, hope I've been helpful.
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