A
female
age
51-59,
*itinha
writes:Hi aunts and uncles. I have a question about my husband´s choice. He has many female friends since I met him, and ex girl friends, and ex ``love of his life `` in high school time. So,I knew that he kinda have contact always with them. But since a while ago he met this woman, which is about 35 and he got to be friends with her and her boy friend. He introduced them to me too, and I got to be her friend. Her boy friend suddenly left her and made something bad with her. She said he hacked her in her e-mail and took some picture of her. I don't understand because they seemed to be so in love.So,my husband, for a while now is her confident. She cries, and whine and my husband send her gifts, and all that she wants. So, this year she is sending me messages thanking me for the gifts that my husband sent her, and I didnt know about them. Also,skype conversations, all the time. He talks with the other ones too, but this one is too much. I asked him what she wants and what is her agenda. He said that she is a poor one that needs help, and he just give her chocolates, and sent her a fake color ring. He started also to comment on her FB page that she is beautiful, gorgeous, and also in one time he said that her cherries (she posted a cherrie fruit saying that she was a cherrie bomb and hot) were delicious and irresistible.I asked him to stop and also stop to contact her and he told me he will not. That she is his friend and I dont have the right to ask him that because it is like I am telling him what to do and pressure him to do something he doesnt want. He then blocked me from his FB account.He said that all is a misunderstanding and I am making all this story up. I dont know what to think. I´d like some help here. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2013): Very sorry this happens to you, My husband did the same thing to me and it almost cost us our marriage. You hold ask him if his female friend feelings is more important than your feelings as his wife? He should consider your feelings first and who knows what?, maybe her boyfriend find out something between them thats why he just got up and left. Your husband should put you first he married you NOT her.My husband used argue with me all the time about the same thing he said he don't see a problem with what he's doing and I'm just over reacted and jealous until I decided to Facebook one of them and tell her to find her own man to cry on, she then explain to me she knows my husband longer than I do which pisses me off and thats how it all started....we got into a fight over it and I've decided to leave him so they can be together but he apologize to me and deleted his FB to fix our marriage. He was angry at his friend too for saying all the stuff she said to me so he ended their friendship, your husband's friend is playing her game right she knows your going to be jealous of the gifts and Skype thats why she thank you for it so you can over react and fight with him so he can turn around and complain to her about it, NOT everyone that smiles at you want to save your marriage and she's one of them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): Gross! This man is a cheater and his "friendships" are not innocent. I just got out of a relationship with a cheater and he would treat me the exact same way. It is awful! It is one of the most painful things to go through when your boyfriend or husband is demeaning and devaluing your commitment to each other, and much more so in defense of another woman or women. I felt like I was going mad. In my case, my boyfriend eventually left me and a week later became chummy chummy with my own best friend. I can't tell you how miserable I felt. All I would do is go to work and come home and cry. Because I have been in your shoes I know exactly how you feel. Its like you feel something is wrong, you know you are being replaced, you know their behavior is inappropriate but because they so blatantly and callously woo another woman right in your face (see how he doesn't really hide it?) it gives him the excuse to say you are the crazy one. If he was cheating he would be more secretive, right? Wrong! It is all part of his ploy. That's exactly what he wants you to think so he can turn it around say you are crazy and get away with it. It's all calculated. He has conditioned you to believe that his behavior is "normal." When it is NOT!This guy is playing you. It took a LONG time for me to come to terms with it and accept it. It would have been much easier if he had just admitted it, apologized and we broke up and both walked away. But cheater's don't work like that. He will never admit it. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I know for me it took a while to accept reality that is why I didn't kick him to the curb at the first clue that he was fucking around behind my back. And like your husband he too was manipulative which makes the whole thing harder. Two friends of mine (both male) recently gave me the same advice in different words. One said to me, "If a guy ever shows you even the SLIGHTEST amount of disrespect, even just a little miniscule iota, immediately kick him to the curb." My other friend said, "Don't worry what the guy says, or how he tries to explain it away, guys lie. If you have even the smallest inkling, even without evidence, just even a hunch, that a guy is fucking around on you, kick him to the curb and send him off with a big FUCK YOU!" Guys always give the best advice. They are guys, they know their own breed...Everyday I feel stronger and stronger and realize I had no backbone. I was pathetic. I was so easily manipulated by some jerk off who didn't value me. I wish you strength. Just don't delude yourself anymore. It is a good time to turn to your friends and family, they will give you the support, the strength and the advice you need.
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A
female
reader, KC12  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 I agree with what the others have said. If he's not cheating on you already, then he's planning on it...with her.
He's being untrustworthy, and disrespectful.
It's really ignorant of him to block YOU, his wife, ON FB! If anything, he should have abided by your wishes and un-freinded her.
He's a poor excuse for a husband. A REAL MAN would never chose another woman over his wife.
You need to get rid of him, and move on.
Be strong! You don't deserve to be treated like that.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (9 December 2013):
 my apologies. i meant husband, not boyfriend. however, my advice remains the same.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): Your husband is blatantly cheating on you. Men who cheat keep a lot of ex-girlfriends and lady friends while married. They are women he keeps on the side; when he wants sex, and when he gets tired of you. You are his live-in maid. You keep house, cook his meals, and keep his bed warm. He'll tell you how foolish you are when you upset the apple cart. I see you're over 40. Being a mature woman, you'll over-look a lot of things he does to you, just to keep the peace and keep your marriage. That isn't doing you much good is it?I can't tell you what to do. You've already seen enough to kick his sorry ass out on the street. If I were in your place; I would divorce him. I would deal with being alone before living with a man with a bunch of girlfriends and exes. Who tells me I'm crazy when I suggest that he should respect me and act like a husband.Live with it, or end it all for good. You'll feel relieved once you get that snake out of your life.Don't let your age be a deciding factor. Ladies over 40 tend to avoid divorce and suffer through their husband's abuse. It happens around the world. Some due to their culture and religion, some out of fear they can't support themselves; most because of weakness.How is loneliness worse than knowing your husband is buying gifts and possibly cheating with other women? Don't pretend he's faithful. You know he's not. You'll find someone else; if you ever decide to have another man in your life. He's not going to listen to your demands, he doesn't respect you; and he knows you can't do anything about what he does, but complain.If you don't have the courage or power to control what happens to you. Then I'm not sure what advice would help.By the way, he's right. You have no say, as far as he is concerned.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (9 December 2013):
i am usually that person that is all about defending boyfriends/girlfriends having friends that are the opposite/desired sex. however, this is a completely different circumstance.
there is a right and a wrong when it comes to these types of things. if he was just being a good friend and checking in on her after the break up and making sure she was doing okay, or inviting her out with the two of you more often, i would say you're over-reacting a bit, as those things are just things good friends do for friends in need. however, he's clearly and drastically crossing the line of what is appropriate. under no circumstance is it okay to buy another woman chocolates or especially a ring (whether fake or not). and it's definitely not okay to post about her cherries being irresistible, and her being gorgeous and beautiful. what he's doing is courting this woman. and when you come to him and express your feelings about this, what does he do? he blocks YOU!
what a good and loving boyfriend would do is hear what you have to say, respect it, and then back off a bit to make you feel secure. if my partner had expressed discomfort with a relationship i have with someone else, i would do everything in my power to comfort them. i would back off. wouldn't you?
he's choosing to continue flirting and be inappropriate with this woman over respecting you. in other words, he's choosing HER over YOU. by blocking you from seeing his page, he's saying that he has no plans to stop being inappropriate. he's just going to block you so you can't see it and he can do it behind your back.
if i were you, i would give an ultimatum. i don't usually suggest these types of things. but he's clearly and drastically in the wrong here. tell him that if this behavior persists, and he keeps flirting with and courting this other woman, that you will walk away and he can have her all he wants. and stick to it. if he tells you that you are crazy and over-reacting, just say fine and leave his ass.
who needs to be with a partner like that?? it's rude and obnoxious to behave how he is behaving. and it's hurtful. if he refuses to see the damage and hurt in his behavior, that's his problem and his loss. he will lose you.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): I am so sorry to say this but your husband is on the verge of cheating with this woman... if he has not done so already.
He deleted YOU off his Facebook account? And NOT HER?
This speaks volumes.
He is protesting too much.
I think the writing is on the wall.
He has disrespected you and his marriage vows more than once. You told him how his actions have made you feel. He does not care. He is not willing to change. He has made his choice.
Now it is time for you to make yours.
Walk away.
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