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female
age
,
anonymous
writes: My daughter is in fifth grade and is one of four girls. Two are very cliquish and are practically glued together. Buddying up with the other one is not an option as the other girl is more interested in fitting in with the two who are very cliquish. My daughter is very shy. As her mother, I am almost in tears because I feel she is being left out. I have even mentioned it to one of the moms who I consider a friend, but it has done no good. What do I do?Distressed in Detroit
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (13 December 2009):
You are completely wrong to approach another mother to organize a friend for your child. As a mother of three I understand how it feels to have your child have friend problems. When my children were that age and younger, they would whine to me "so and so doesn't want to play with me". Instead of solving this problem for your child, this is a perfect opportunity to teach your child to solve this problem on her own. With one of my daughters, I simply said if she won't play with you, then play WITH SOMEBODY ELSE!!!! Are there only 4 girls in the entire school? There is probably at least another 5 girls in her class alone and at least another 50 in the school. I doubt that everybody is paired up, there must be another child who she can play with. This is a perfect teaching opportunity that your child doesn't have to only play with the "in" crowd. If she grows up learning she has to please others in order to be accepted, then that is how drink/drug experimentation begins through giving in to peer pressure and maybe even saying yes to sex with a boy she is so desperate to keep because she learnt to be a people pleaser from young. Teach her to be independent and make her own choices. My son would complain about not getting invited to get-togethers and I got him involved in tennis and reading a book a week. He is now a book worm, a straight A student, an up and coming future tennis champion and out of all of his friends, he is the only one they tease that he hasnt smoked or been drunk but he laughs with them and doesn't even care. He says to me things like "it doesn't affect me when they laugh because they will all work for me someday". There are clubs your child can join to make new friends from other classes or schools, there are hobbies you can get her involved in. Do not try to make friends for her. She can learn to enjoy her own company. It can be a blessing later. She will have to learn to navigate these type of social situations herself, its part of her childhood development and you are interfering. Give her advice but do not do it for her. Even birds like eagles know to push their young out of the nest when the time comes. When those hatchlings fall, that is when they learn to flap their wings and become magnificent and powerful. Why? Because their parents empowered them then let it go. 5th grade is time. Good luck.
A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (13 December 2009):
Gotta agree with Aunty
As a father, I have to admit that watching one of my children (I have three) go through some of the trials and challenges of growing up can be painful.
Often, we remember those very challenges, and how deeply they cut us when we were children.
However, we also have to remember that they are not us, and are ours for a limited time. At some point, your daughter is going to be an adult, and is going to have to know how to navigate social situations on her own.
Speaking with the other mother is ok. Not great, but ok.
Asking her if maybe she wants to get together for coffe on tuesday afternoons wouldn't be a bad idea, but I would desperately avoid being any more agressive or obvious than that.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 December 2009):
 no, no, no don't approach the girls on your daughters behalf, imagine how that will look, as if her mother has to go out and develop her friendships for her, girls are so judgmental, and they are not in playgroup or kinder anymore where hand holding by a parent is more socially acceptable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): Maybe you can talk to the other girls about how you feel and ask them to make an effort to include her also every once a week arrange for activites that they can all do together... so at least she has that day to look forward to
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (12 December 2009):
I am sorry, but there isnt much you can do, at least she is one of four, and has friends, if there were only three in the group she would be on the outer.
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