A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a gay 24-year-old man who is in love with a wonderful man. We've been dating for three years now and have been living together for two. Last fall he approached me and told me that if I wasn't willing to open the relationship, it would be over and that keeping it closed was making him "miserable." From the very begging I have been completely up front about not wanting an open relationship and this wasn't the first time he'd asked my opinion about it. Afraid to lose the man that I loved more than anyone else, I agreed to give it a go. He's used the open relationship option about 10 times and I tried it once with a friend. It didn't go so great. Every time he has sex with someone else it makes me feel very hurt. I don't know how to react. I feel jealous and personally attacked. We both grew up Mormon and have our own sexual baggage to deal with and since we started dating shortly after we both came out, he says he needs to explore because he didn't get to when he was younger. I am trying so hard to deal with it and not feel so frustrated and jealous, but it's not going so well. My boyfriend gets frustrated with me and seems to think I should just be able to flip a switch and magically be OK with an open relationship just because he is. This is literally the only problem we have had with the relationship and I hate to throw away a great thing, but I don't know what to do. I hate the idea that being closed makes him "miserable" and it makes me think that maybe this issue is a deal breaker and we're just not compatible. Where do I go from here? I am desperate for some help and advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): Open relationships are often an excuse to look for and set up a new future full time relationship but without having to give up the security of the old relationship. So if he's doing that I consider he already has one foot out the door of your relationship. I just don't see any point to you staying with him. I think you need to break up so you can move on or else start de-investing in your relationship and see it as not a real one.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 May 2012):
 Closed...he's miserable
Open...you're miserable!!!
Somethings gotta give and he needs to learn that open relationships don't bring a whole lot of love and caring...they tend to generate mistrust and jealousy...so he's either completely clueless or he is 'masking' the fact that really he wants to find someone new.
I don't see you have many options. Put up with it for the sake of love and risk being hurt or rejected in the future...or walk now with your head held high knowing that you quit because things just wern't working out.
Does he love you? Did you ask him? gay or otherwise this is usually a deal breaker in any relationship and demonstrates that the love may not be what it seems.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (30 April 2012):
 You have two options.
Either a clean break up. Either you carry on the relationship but at the same time be sure that you too make use of the open status and try to find a great match, a more compatible partner. Open relationships are seldom intended for pure fun outside the couple, though this is possible and some 'claim' it strengthens their relationships.
Most of the times they are meant to seek a better match while you are also enjoying the safety of an already comfortable but LIMITED relationship. If one uses this option while the other stays home hand-crossed, it's not fair.
A couple of important aspects arise here:
STDs. How carefully does he choose his partners?
Mental issues. Do you actually have the mental strength to go through this? This might as well end with a hospitalization for a depressed fellow.
Since you feel so bad and miserable about this I would tend to suggest the clear break up.
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