A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I don't really know how to word this but I have massive resentment towards my boyfriend because everything just works out for him, I don't want to be jealous or annoyed but I am. A few things I can think of are that I applied to go on an aid trip to India but didn't get selected and my boyfriend informed me that his mother has arranged for him to go on an aid trip to Peru for a month and he had no experience doing anything like this unlike me. I also wanted to go to university in holland but the unis only taught my course in Dutch. My boyfriend then decided he wanted to go to uni in holland as well and is set to begin next year. I'm a straight A student and he averages B-C so this was another hard blow. I am also teaching myself Spanish but it's hard as I'm dyslexic and my boyfriend was taught Spanish as a child so is fluent. They're many other things such as him being handed jobs and my resentment and jealousy is really building. I think the thing that annoy me the most is that he can't admit he's privaledged. Any advice on how to deal with this would be appreciated. Thank you
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 May 2017):
 You shouldn't be in a relationship with him, you are not mature enough to handle it yet. I mean most couples would be happy for their other half, not be bitter and jealous. You should be single and learn how to deal with these feelings until you get a bit older.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2017): You know that when you don't get one thing you want, you go for something else. Being jealous of those we care for is toxic. If you're not happy for his accomplishments and victories, you're not a good girlfriend. You must support him and be happy for him. I understand your disappointments, but they're not his fault. Destiny is pulling you in another direction; and sometimes something else is better for you than the choices you make for yourself.
It is highly likely if you apply for foreign-language speaking schools; you won't get, in or the courses are taught in their language. You should have checked before applying. If you applied for an aid trip to India and got passed over; why did you stop there? Was your heart in it, or were you just showing-off? When you do good for others, you do it with a pure heart and as an act of kindness. Not for the bragging-rights.
The thing about jealousy is that it clouds your vision and judgment; and all you can see is what someone else has that you don't. Then every wonderful blessing you get is diminished to nothing; because your envy also makes you ungrateful for your own good accomplishments. Jealousy steals your joy and poisons your good spirit. If you love him, feel happy for him.
Stop competing with your boyfriend! Do your own thing!
You deal with it first of all, by not trading love for jealousy. It's natural to feel a little jealousy, but it also leads to resentment when it gets the better of you.
If you can't feel anything but jealousy for him now; you are going to feel miserable and miss him badly when he's gone. You'll feel sorry you felt so bitter and not happy for him while you still had him around. You'll miss him with sadness. You'll be sorry that you put more energy into hating on him, than showering him with attention and love.
Continue to seek the things you want. Have a Plan-B, C, and D as a backup. Learn to absorb disappointment as just a part of life; but also let it motivates you to try harder.
If you don't get something you want on the first try; you try again, or try for something else. You don't feel jealous of other people for what they have that you don't. You'll lose all focus on your own great achievements; and you won't work as hard as you should.
Failure and missing the mark happens sometimes for good reasons. For the lessons you learn in the process. It makes you tougher, and it also makes you work harder in order to reap better rewards. So you will appreciate your victories even more than you do; because you won't wish to deny others their chances. He only makes B's and C's; so he's humbleness will gain him many blessings for his pureness of heart. He isn't jealous of you; because he didn't write us to say so.
If you're a straight-A student, the world has a lot in store for you. Look back at how well you've done, and use what you've learned to do good; and do even greater things. That's where you direct all that energy.
You were put here for a purpose different from your boyfriend's. So the things you do succeed at getting, are preparing you for your destiny.
You are too busy hating on him, to see that!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 May 2017):
 First of all, Holland - he's getting it because his is taught in English. Instead of learning Spanish, you could learn Dutch, but you're not.The aid trip - he didn't get on the same one you wanted, his mother arranged for him to go on another. Why can't you do the same?I understand that you feel resentment, but it's immature and petty. If you want to be in a relationship, you need to be mature enough to accept when things seem to be going better for other people.Speak to a teacher at your school about another aid experience. Also look into other universities, either in Holland or elsewhere.Bear in mind that, if your boyfriend does go to university in another country, you'll probably break up anyway. Not only that, but anyone who studies in another country should know the basics of the language - it's just sensible.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 May 2017):
 I know this feeling. It's not jealousy. It's bitterness. You are bitter that life isn't fair, and some people get things easily or for free, while others pay the shirts off their backs and end up with less still. It sucks. It's not fair. It makes you bitter.
What annoyed me the most too was then these privileged people act as if this is normal. That "everyone" supposedly gets things handed to them, that "everyone" gets this and that for free or cheaply etc etc etc. It makes me want to claw their face off. To be blunt. It makes me want to throw up and it makes me want to cry. Because by being so ignorant and behaving as if these things are normal, they are also sending the message that everyone who doesn't get things this way are losers. It's an insult.
You know, I tried to not let these things affect me. I told myself, well these people they just don't know any better. They live in their own bubble and have no idea what the outside world really looks like. I told myself I couldn't really be angry with them, because they were probably still decent people, and if things were given to me for free, would I REALLY have said no? I probably would have taken it, just like they do.
But then again... Who are we kidding? These people are not stupid, right? And being ignorant or living in a bubble and not seeing the world around you, is no excuse. People have a responsibility to educate themselves about the world and about the situations of others, and show respect and be humility. When they don't, it actually does speak about their character, and in my eyes: they are lacking in character. Why should I respect them for being lazy bones who get things for free? There's nothing there to respect. So I decided it's okay to be bitter, and it's okay to not accept injustice and inequality, and it's okay to tell a privileged person that they are idiots if they think "everyone" has it like they do.
Honestly, I think it's time to end it with your boyfriend. You and him just aren't on the same page. It would be a big difference if he got all these things in life, and SHARED them with you. Say, he knew how to get into a school in Holland and he knew you wanted to go, he could have shared the information on how to do it. His mother helped him go to Peru, he should have asked his mother to help you also. And, if he did all these things like sharing, and then being humble about the things he were given as well, I don't think it would have been such a big problem.
Take this example. My ex boyfriend and I had the same level of education, yet in different fields. He was super lucky and got a job within his field straight after university. He got a massive pay check. His salary was one of the top salaries for someone with his educational level. I was less fortunate, got jobs, but low paid jobs not within my field. This would have been ok, but you know what he did? He COMPLAINED about it. He complained about how he should have been making more money. I even went unemployed for a while, and yet he would still complain to me about how he was so unhappy that his perfect job didn't pay him even more, because he said someone with his level of education ought to earn more (and I was THE SAME LEVEL of education).
It's one of the reasons I broke up with him. I found it extremely selfish and egocentric to behave like that.
Now my current boyfriend? I have no idea what he earns. He doesn't bring it up. I don't ask. I know it's more than me, and I sure wish I had been lucky and gotten a decent job within my field also. So yeah, that part still hurts, and it stings not being able to go on expensive holidays etc because I can't afford it. But he doesn't show off, you know? He doesn't complain about how much he earns, or about money at all. He keeps our dates low budget so that I can participate on my own terms (yes, he does pay for many of our dates, but it makes me uncomfortable, so I prefer to just to cheap things at home).
Bottom line is, this comes down to respect for one another. If he doesn't realize that he is getting a lot of things easily and just handed to him, while you work harder than him and still don't make the cut, then to me it's a sign of a lack of respect.
But just think about it. When he gets a job just handed to him, would it have made a difference if he shared with you and said "hey, you know what, they need people for work at x place. I can help you get an interview". Or "Hey, my mom figured out how we can go do the aid trip in Peru, and I know how much you want to go on an aid trip. Should we go together?"
That's at least what I do. I don't have the greatest job in the world, but when I meet someone who has a hard time finding a job, I don't sit and boast about how I at least have a job. I help them. I tell them "I will ask my manager for you and see if they have anything" or "I used to work at x place and know they usually look for people, I can give them a call if you want" or at least "I can look through your cover letter for you and do the proper corrections". It's about giving and sharing what you've got, and not sit on a high horse and look down your nose at others.
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