A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am dating a guy I am 35 he is 46 he says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and would marry me tomorrow if I wanted it. We have loads in common hobby wise, we have similar political and religious stances. However I really want children (I've wanted them since I was about 16) and I recently raised the subject with him. He told me he wasn't sure. I am thinking he didn't out right say no, how long should I give him to decide?If it were a choice between having kids and staying with him I'd choose the former. I always suspected he wanted kids I naively thought that he really wanted to marry me because he wanted a family. I got with him because of the reasons above but also because I think he'd make a good dad, he seems quite happy and he's quite playful (he likes to improvise random situations). In terms of dating we've dated broke up and then got back together a few times (because of his problems with physical boundaries-he was more into PDAs then I was and he didn't respect this, this has been resolved). I am wondering if it is the breaking up and getting back together that's making him not sure. I asked him if it was money issues or a reduction in freedom (e.g. he has less opportunity to travel he said that wasn't the reason). He also says that he's happy with the way the relationship is progressing. I am not sure how much to question him. Part of me thinks that I don't want to push him the other half of me knows that I need to know either way.
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broke up, got back together, money, want children Reply to this Question
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male
reader, peacefulfrog  +, writes (1 June 2017):
My wife is significantly younger than me. When we met I knew she wanted kids and she knew I did not. But we just hit it off so well, the issue got ignored. A few months later I realized that this issue is unsolvable and tried to break off the relationship. She told me that she was willing not to have children to be with me and we let it go at that. It bothered me. She deserved to be a mother and to have children if she wants them. At some point I made peace with being an older dad and once we were married she became pregnant with twins. Honestly, there have been moments of regret. I'm at the point in life where I would like to relax. But I love my daughters, I love my wife and I'll give them everything I can. You deserve children if you are a loving, responsible and caring woman. If your boyfriend cant or wont give you this, do both of you a favor and peacefully move on.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 May 2017):
 If you want children then follow your heart, don't sit around and wait until it is to late. How long have you been dating this guy? You need to just be honest with him.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (29 May 2017):
He has told you he doesn't want kids. Break up with him and don't go back thinking that maybe you can change his mind.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 May 2017):
 He knows you want children. Don't beat around the bush or talk about how he'd be a good dad, etc.
Just ask him straight out: do you want children?
If he doesn't say yes, it's a no. You must try to see if he doesn't seem sure of his "yes" as well. If you're not careful, you'll unintentionally "bully" him into it because you won't leave him to find someone who also doesn't want kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2017): Hi I am the poster of the question. I am planning to sit down and tell him that I've wanted kids since I was 16. That I want to know what he thinks the relative pros and cons of having kids are. I am also going to tell him why I think he'd make a good dad.
I am going to tell him that I want him to be honest, that this kind of thing is something which makes or breaks couples and that if he loves me and cares about my future happiness that he needs to be honest.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (29 May 2017):
 Yep, you need a straight answer here because this is obviously a deal breaker.
Raise the topic again and find out whether he wants them or not. If he doesn't, you will need to find someone who's on the same page as you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2017): As hard as this sounds leave the relationship, having kids is the most amazing feeling don't waste your time on man who has different ideas ...you will resent him in time .... nothing will replace the feeling or need to have children
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 May 2017):
 You should probably push this some more. I think the way he answered was purposefully vague. He doesn't want kids, but he knows that if he said it directly, you would probably end things. And he is crazy about you, I mean he said he wants to marry you even. So obviously, he's not afraid to have the serious talks and talk about the future. He just doesn't want to talk about kids, and my guess is it's because he doesn't want them.
He's old. You need to realize this. For his part, that ship has sailed. It's not impossible to become a dad at his age, but you need to really want it. He will have NONE of his friends with kids the same age group. He'll most likely be the oldest dad at any school function. He'd not be able to attend things that most people except of a man his age, such as late night job events, or business trips, or other things, because he would be stuck at home with a toddler. A man in his 20's or 30's, or even early 40's you can expect to have small children. But he will be in his 50's when a potential child becomes a toddler!
It's just not what society expects of a man his age, there is no pressure on him to have kids. Quite the opposite, he is under pressure to NOT have kids at his age. You can say all you want about freedom of the mind etc, but we humans are pack animals. We cave to social pressure and we do the things that are expected of us. Women are expected to have children before they turn 40. Men after 50 are expected to not have small children living at home with them any more. You and him are fighting opposing battles with societal pressure.
And, finally, you need to ask yourself this. If having kids was important to him, wouldn't he have gladly jumped into the conversation when you brought the topic up? Instead he deflected and avoided it. The "Im not sure" means "no".
Alternatively, he just doesn't think you would be a suitable mother for his future children. No offense to you! But I've had that happen to me. I was once engaged to a man who told me he didn't want children. Then a few years after we broke up(like, two years after, not more), he started dating a single mother, and he had a child with her! So that way he ended up with a bonus child in addition to his own child. So much for the "I dont want kids"-line. In his case, it actually just meant "I dont want kids with you".
Don't waste your time on seeing if he will change his mind. He's not 18. He is 46. He knows what he wants and whether or not he wants children in his life. He's had enough time to get to know himself. If he tells you "I dont know" then you need to end it. If he tells you "maybe" then you need to end it. If he tells you "In 5 years" then you need to end it. All of these lines are just ways to string you along. He knows women have a time frame in which they can get pregnant, and if he gives you a 5-year waiting time, he KNOWS by then you will have a very difficult time getting pregnant. He might even think by then he'd have been able to change YOUR mind about the matter.
So, ask him again, and get a straight answer this time. If it's anything but "I would love to have children with you, lets start trying ....(sometime within this year)", then you should walk away.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (29 May 2017):
 I think he doesn't want kids, but doesn't want to lose you, so you may be faced with a difficult decision. However, you need to give him a bit more time, to find out his true feelings. He might be thinking he is too old for parenthood. I wish you well for the future. x
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 May 2017):
He's a fair bit older than you and entering the part of his life where most don't want to begin a family. They may already have toddlers or young children, but they don't usually want newborns.
You can push all you want, but if it isn't a definite "yes, I want children", it's a "no".
Stop wasting your time and make sure you only date people who *do* want children, not "maybe" or "not yet". You don't want to have them straight away, obviously, but if they don't sound sure, they aren't sure enough to have them.
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