A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, So... I'm sure my problem is a very common one on this site. I have been married for 7 years now (I got married when I was 23) and I love my husband so much. However, since we came to Canada around 6 months ago, I noticed that he's more pre-occupied with other things now and I feel like I'm being taken for granted. Sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting and when I try to talk about it with him, he somehow ends up saying that I'm the one who's changed. I understand that my husband is tired because he works hard and all. I get up every morning and cook for him, pack his food and see him off. And then I start my work for the day. I'm a student here in Canada, I work online, I cook, and maintain the house as best I can. So I'm always working and I find myself feeling mentally exhausted most of the time. It's different for my husband because he goes to work and then comes home and watches TV or sticks on his phone watching Tik Tok videos. He's recently started this habit of smoking weed which I don't like because it stinks up the house but thankfully, he doesn't overdo it. I feel like he doesn't realize that I'm around sometimes. But on the other hand, he got me flowers and a gift for valentine's day and he was so sweet so I know that he does think about me. I don't need him to get me gifts and all, just being loved by him is enough for me but I really feel like I'm being taken for granted. If something is messy in the house, he notices it and complains about it. He thinks that just because I'm at home, I have all the free time in the world to chill and doesn't seem to realize that I work hard too. My sister recently asked me if I'm happy in my marriage... I honestly don't know anymore. I don't feel very happy right now. I just feel like my husband has a better relationship with his phone or TV or everyone else than with me. I don't want to be one of those women who just stays with her husband even though she's unhappy in her marriage. I wish I could make him notice me a bit more... If something bad happens to me, like if I get injured or something, he doesn't even care anymore. He would just look at me and say áh'. But if something happens to him, I get so sad and try to help him and pay attention to him. I've always been happy in my marriage but now I feel exhausted and fed up... I know if I talk to him about it, he will put the blame on me and make it seem like I'm the one who's changed and who doesn't care... we've had arguments like that before. I don't know why I posted this here because I don't even know what kind of answer to expect. I'm just feeling really lost and unhappy.
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female
reader, EmmyApple  +, writes (3 March 2022):
Thank you for writing back!! He sounds very self-centered, entitled, and spoiled. He doesn’t appreciate all of the work you do around the house, and that comment about how little money you make shows it. Honestly my husband is exactly the same way. He’s so self-centered. He acts like I’m lazy because I only work part time and I spend most of my time cooking and cleaning and washing the clothes. I don’t make as much money as him but I do work hard. Then he spends all the money on stuff for himself, then questions me whenever I buy clothes for myself. I feel like your situation is similar? I really feel for you!!I also felt like giving up. Staying with him has required a LOT of patience and sacrifice. But I can honestly say that I’m happy I have chosen to stay. It is difficult living with a selfish husband but it’s so common for so many women. I feel like I’ve learned how to make it work pretty well so I hope you can learn from my experience.My husband has also asked me why I can’t dress in sexier clothes like the women he looks at on Instagram. He wants me to work out doing squats in the gym to make my butt bigger and doing sit-ups to lose my belly fat. Because he looks at so many girls on Instagram with that perfect “hourglass” body shape: big boobs, small waist, big butt. But I’m not naturally shaped like that. I am overweight and I carry most of my fat around my stomach so my waist is naturally thick rather than my butt. I felt a lot of insecurity and resentment because of my husband’s comments. I feel like I really relate to your story.I don’t have all the answers but getting more active in the gym and losing some of my belly fat helped. Finding good lingerie that suited my body shape really, really helped. It made him fall in love with me all over again and really boosted my confidence. Pay attention to what he likes and try to give him that without compromising who you are - for example if he wants you to wear something really sexy and revealing and you’re not comfortable wearing it outside because it’s “not you” then just wear it for him in private, just around the house. Surprise him with something sexy. I really think that bringing that passion back to your relationship will help a lot.I know this is overwhelming to have to think about on top of everything you’re so busy with, but I think you should keep giving this a chance. Don’t give up and things will eventually get better. :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2022): Thanks for your advice, Emmyapple. I've thought about what you've said... I'm not sure what he means when he says I've changed because I still treat him the way I used to... and I've been going to the gym and I have lost a lot of weight... but he still keeps comparing me to the other girls at the gym. He keeps saying stuff like 'you should do what that girl is doing'. It makes me disappointed and ruins the gym for me because he doesn't need to say that. I know what I'm doing with my body and I work out according to my capacity...
I don't expect him to cook and all because he's very tired when he comes home from work so I understand that. I always have his meals ready for him when he comes home from work and I work from home and study at the same time so balancing everything is difficult. We can't afford to hire a maid unfortunately and we also can't afford to eat out because we've only recently come to this country and we're saving up money for my tuition fees (I'm a student here). Because of that, I work so much every day... I do all the housework, I attend my online classes and placement, I work online (I'm a content writer for websites). I'm earning and paying our rent and living expenses and he's saving up money for my tuition fees. But last week he got himself a new phone spending $800 on it. And then he's disappointed that I earned ONLY $1,400 last month. He's like 'that's all you earned?' how many hours work is that. That hurt me because as a student, I don't think that's bad. And I've never spent so much money for things for myself. I feel like it's fine that he has a new phone. He needs one. But when he says stuff like that it makes me really sad...
I'm scared that I'm falling out of love with him because of the way he keeps making me feel. I never compare him to other guys... but he's always doing that with me. It's spoiling my confidence really badly... he always wants me to do what other women do. I'm someone who doesn't use like a LOT of makeup. I was never that way. But ever since we came here he keeps fussing about my makeup and saying I should dress like the women here and I should do the exercises they do... I'm really disappointed because this happened just yesterday too... when I came from gym last night after a very hard workout, he was like 'you should do those exercises that we saw those women doing'. and 'you should wear clothes like blah blah person was wearing'. and I'm like so tired of hearing that. I'd like to fix our relationship, of course but I don't want to change like EVERYTHING about myself to do that. I do take care of myself and try to look good. But I don't want to start doing everything and looking just like the women here because it's just not me... I don't know what to do now... :(
I appreciate your advice and I will keep thinking about it and what I can do about it... thank you!
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A
female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (28 February 2022):
When he says you changed, what do you think he means by that?I was in a similar situation earlier in my marriage. My husband was incredibly lazy and disinterested in me. As soon as he got home from work he would lay down on the couch and watch TV for the rest of the night. He would expect dinner, sex, and then bed. It had become so mechanical, no passion. He left messes everywhere and expected me to always clean up after him. He had changed from a charming lover into a fat entitled pig.But the truth is that I had changed too. It took me a long time to accept this and realize that he was unhappy with me too. I wasn’t passionate about sex either. I treated it like a chore and didn’t arouse him anymore. I didn’t do makeup or wear any sexy lingerie for him like I used to. Staying home all day had made me very sedentary - sitting on my butt all day. I had stopped going to the gym and taking care of my body. I had gained 20kg and it showed all over my body. I had become super unpleasant to be around because I was so bitter about him not doing chores. I constantly nagged him and complained. I had changed from the sexy passionate woman that he desired to an overweight, unpleasant nagging woman. I had let myself go.When he says you changed, that is very revealing. He’s probably right. He’s probably also unhappy and that’s why he’s acting like this. You can’t change him. But you can make changes to yourself. You can start working on your body, you can wear lingerie again and start pleasing him more sexually and make your marriage exciting again. If you do this, you will see his passion for you come back. Men are visual and very physical. If you want him to have that emotional attention to you, it starts with meeting his physical needs and desires.I had to come to terms with the fact that he’s not gonna cook or do chores. He is a lazy man. But rather than her angry about it which doesn’t help our marriage at all, we have found other solutions so I wouldn’t become bitter and angry. We order delivery more often so I don’t need to cook as much. And we hired a maid to come help clean the house once per week. It took a big burden off of us and it has helped a lot.You can’t change him. But you can work on yourself, and bringing passion back to your marriage. And if you do that, you will also see positive changes from him. It’s not all your fault. But when he says you changed, you should evaluate that instead of ignoring it. How have you changed and what can you do to bring the passion back?
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