A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am feeling confused right now and not sure what I should do. I have been rejected every time I have asked someone out so far, and have been in one relationship in the past. It was a short relationship, she left me to be with another guy. I don't hold a grudge against anyone, and don't feel as though I am entitled to a relationship, but the rejections combined with this failed relationship led to me developing extremely low self esteem and I was recently diagnosed with depression. Recently I have been trying to work on myself physically and mentally. I moved away from home for university, and met some close friends who have made me feel more wanted than I ever have before. However, despite this I still often fall back into my low self esteem and I feel like a hopeless romantic. I feel lonely despite having so many wonderful friends, I feel unattractive despite improving my appearance, and I feel depressed despite working on my mindset. Nobody here is interested in me romantically, and that is fine, I can't force people to have feelings for me and I am most certainly not entitled to it. I don't want a relationship as I would like to continue working on myself, but I constantly feel so lonely being single. All responses are appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, !!anonyma!!  +, writes (17 March 2022):
 You have best friend right? Just spend more time with your best friend and other friends keep yourself busy and keep working on yourself. By what you are saying it looks like you don't really care if you have anyone with you the only thing you want is to date someone. But hear me out if you can't love yourself no one will love you because when you don't love yourself you don't really feel confident and you look not so sure of anything which is a turn off. So love yourself first. And be happy with everything and everyone you have. I have a friend like you so I know what you mean but what is yours will find you. And wait for it. I am sure you won't be dissappointed. :)
A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (23 February 2022):
 Man you gotta start with changing your mindset, that should be the first thing you change, that whole poor me routine, dude chicks and dudes can pick up on that in seconds, there's only one way to avoid that, and that's actually changing your mindset, you will never change until you truly change your mindset, if you just say your going to change it, your just in the same situation only now claiming your different, as for girls rejecting you, pal what do you think the routine is? you don't think every other dude out there isn't straight getting shut down? honestly? every guy gets every girl he wants but you? obviously you aren't familiar with how it works, trial by fire sucks but you'll be solid once it's done with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2022): Sometimes life is discovered in the school of hard knocks and if that's the case you have to learn resilience very rapidly.
I think it's just as well to seek help when you're feeling down because depression can just get worse without a little help in the form of meds or talking.
You're a student and should have recourse to a student counsellor.
So many people have been caught in the same trap of rejection and depression so that they will be very used to this type of situation and should have reasonable ways to help.
Are you sure you are depressed from a broken heart?
Perhaps you are also run down and weary.
It's that time of the year when many of us feel deflated and winter isn't quite over.
Also covid restrictions will have kept you and others from socialising as they would have done prior to covid, so naturally your confidence is slightly lower than usual.
I think you may tend to self assess rather critically.
And if you are in the habit of going out as a couple with a partner it can be daunting to go out alone.
I think you need to remind yourself that going out is for enjoying yourself so if you have good friends that should be ok.
If you go for a pizza then you should try to enjoy the pizza along with your friends.
Going out should not be synonymous with finding a potential partner.
It's just as likely that you could find a partner by stopping to chat in the corridors and swapping social contact numbers etc.
But the thing to try to do is to try to enjoy yourself without a partner so activities like going to the gymn and joining a club e.g. Explore your local area club should keep you busy.
Also try to get out into the community and do something like volunteering to help at a food bank or a little bit of part-time work just to spice up your life.
The more you start to do for yourself, then the more people will gravitate towards you, because everyone assumes everyone else has an answer to everything when most people just muddle along.
Of course there is romance waiting for you but try to ignore that aspect of life for now.
All you need to concentrate on is having a good time at social activities where meeting someone is not the number one agenda.e.g. saving the world by working with eco groups.
And apart from belonging to a collective mindset you could also develop the habit of letting yourself be a shoulder for lone or unhappy girls ( over 18yrs)to cry on.
The secret is to listen carefully without criticising and not to hit on a girl when she's feeling down but to walk her home and just say ' ok see you about..It's good to know you got home in one piece.'
Or similar words..but not to expect to be invited in for coffee or sex etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2022): You are too young to be giving-up. Enjoy friendship and socializing with your friends as much as you can. It only feeds your depression when you dwell on negativity day-in and day-out. You have 60-70 more years of life ahead of you; and you have much to explore and discover. Love happens when it happens. It doesn't come on-demand, or at the push of a button. Remain hopeful. People literally lose their minds behind worrying and comparing what others have and what they don't. It comes when it's your turn. You may not get what others have, but you'll get what you need when you need it. You will be blessed with things only you will receive, while others will not.
Welcome to life! At only 18-21, you've just finished the first-page. You've got the rest of the book to finish!
There is far too much self-pity and drudgery going-around these days; and people drag themselves down into a pit of sorrow; because they want what they want, and they want (demand) it now!!! Your time for love is yet to come; it's a matter of timing and circumstance. There may be many trial-relationships, hits, or misses; or you may be blessed to find that special-one right-away. You are still a teenager, or still under 21! You haven't seen nothing yet!
People tend to claim to suffer "depression" a lot these days; and it isn't really clinical-depression. It's mostly disappointment, frustration, and the aggravation coming from being a little too entitled. They sit and stew in frustration; until it turns into bitterness. They become mean and spiteful. That bitterness can turn into self-destructive/destructive behavior; or it could lead to hurting others, or worse! You are at a critical-age, and I urge you to do whatever it takes not to give-in to hopelessness. Pray, distract yourself, constantly avoid letting frustration overrule and monopolize all of your thoughts.
There are people who can't function due to a real disability; not one perceived, or misdiagnosed. It's an actual challenge for those diagnosed with chronic clinical-depression; who suffer from a chemical-imbalance in the brain. Those with PTSD, or have sustained severe physical or psychological injury. It's entirely different when you're just pouting and discouraged; because you want something, and it won't come when you want it to. Maybe you've tried many times to get something; but it always seems just out of reach! That's life. It happens repeatedly over a lifetime; so you better develop some survival-skills, apart from self-pity.
The key to survival is perseverance. You continue to pursue your goals; with the belief that what you can't get now, you will definitely get it later. God withholds some blessings, until He knows you're ready for them.
Often times, people who've won millions in the lottery, lose every penny of it. Why? That is because they wanted too much too soon; and when they got it, they weren't prepared on how to keep it. They went wild with greed; they lacked any knowledge of how to handle large sums of money, or how to invest. They had no experience or foresight.
The same goes with love, my young friend! You want it, you'll get it, and you'll want too much too soon. You can't control or predict the feelings of others. You can barely control yourself! No, you will not always get what you want! If you lose a love-interest to another guy, learn to take disappointment. Shake-it off, and move on! You can't be "depressed" every time you don't get your way, or somebody rejects you. If she decided someone else was better for her, it was her right to choose him. Even if it hurt your feelings. Get-over it! There will come a time when you will reject someone too! When that time comes, what do you expect them to do? Fall to pieces and give-up? Don't flatter yourself!
Nobody is worth falling apart for. There is someone in-waiting for everyone who moves-on. There are 7 billion people in this world.
If you'll fall into depression when someone breaks your heart, at such a young age; emotionally, you may be too fragile to handle a full-fledged relationship. We are human beings, and we make many mistakes. We have faults and weaknesses. Our flaws can hurt people, even unintentionally. You have to be more resilient, flexible, and forgiving; so you can recover and move-on. You have to bear-up under pain and pressure! You have to hold-on to optimism, tighter than you hold-on to pessimism. Pessimism says "give-up!" Optimism says "keep trying!"
Maybe you think you're ready for a relationship; but exuding too much neediness makes people uneasy. They need to sense your confidence. Being over-anxious about getting and having a girlfriend, will make you smother her with too much affection or clinginess. It comes across as weird. Females shy away from guys who treat her like she's fragile and perfect. It's creepy! They think it's love until the discover it really isn't. Going overboard with poems and songs, or drowning them in compliments, being too romantic; that's all sweet, but they prefer a guy who is nice and real. With the exception of the dumb-ones who prefer bad-boys, the popular guys, and conceited jocks; who break their hearts. Leave those girls alone, they've got too much to learn. Don't waste your time on them, they'll quickly break your heart; but you've also ducked a bullet when they miss you as a target, because they make bad choices. They don't have a clue!
Broken-hearts heal, they get a little tougher, and you can learn from your mistakes; or you can give-up, tag yourself as a loser, and believe you'll always fail. You will fail, because you will stop trying.
Your self-esteem is not in the hands of others. If you hand it over to other people, you will never have a long-term healthy relationship. You can't be too clingy and needy. You have to maintain a healthy balance in your personality; and you also have to learn that your self-esteem can be self-repaired and restored. Don't say you've done self-improvements, and expect the world to turnaround; just because you dress nicer, go to the gym, or have styled your hair. Where's the self-confidence? You gave it away to some girl, who hurt your feelings! Don't expect immediate results every-time you do something to better yourself; demanding the world to take notice. Their reaction just might only be "meh!" The benefit is in being a better man; which makes for a good boyfriend, great husband, and a world-class father.
In the world of reality, we have free-will; we'll notice or acknowledge your newest improvements when we're good and ready. If you strut-around demanding acknowledgment; you're heading down the road to narcissism. Self-improvement is a lifelong project. Humbleness and solid-character are as good as gold. You'll mess-up, you'll stumble, and you will fail. You must get-up on your feet, say your prayers asking God for strength; and you must continue to press forward. If your depression requires treatment, follow your doctor's instructions and prescriptions to the letter. High-function is the goal, and love is your future reward.
Be kind, gentle, thoughtful, and enjoy your youth. People notice you when you give off a good vibe. If you can make a friend, you are destined to find someone to fall in-love with you. Friends are proof you have loveable qualities, a sense of loyalty, and people actually can see the good in you. Girlfriends may take more effort, but timing and circumstance will set the time and place.
I'm sorry finding a girlfriend isn't that easy for you. If you are suffering depression; attend to that first. You have friends and family to love you. God loves you. You are still very young and have the world ahead of you. Enjoy the other things life has to offer; and stop demanding things to happen when destiny doesn't feel you're ready for those those things. There may be something special or extraordinary that you must accomplish first; and you have to follow where destiny takes you, love may be included as a benefit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2022): You sound far too obsessed and serious about it all, no wonder people shy away from you. People of your age usually want friendship, maybe sex, maybe dating and getting to know and see what happens. You say this other one left you to be with another guy, but I doubt you were in a serious committed relationship anyway, so she owed you nothing! If the other guy was more fun or nicer she would leave to be with him, that is hardly her fault or his. As for the depression, I am a therapist and you are not depressed you are sulking, going into a quiet phase of too much thinking and being negative because you are not getting what you obsess about. You need cognitive behavioural therapy to get past that. Reactive depression is the closest you can get to what you feel, and it is not depression. You say you have lots of wonderful friends and you have a busy life so you are never lonely. This is an obsession.
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