A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been in my current relationship for 8.5 years, and we have a 2.5 year old son together. Recently, I have been having doubts as to whether I want to be with him or not. Since having my little boy, I have changed. I am not the person I was before, sometimes I prefer the new me, however sometimes I hate my current life and wish I was 23 year old who enjoyed her life. (I suffered with PND after having my little boy and I am still having therapy to help build myself back up mentally). I am no longer attracted to my partner, I don't feel 'in love', I remember people always saying how much they loved their partner more than ever when they had a child with them, but I don't. (We didn't have our son to save our relationship before anybody comments). I feel like I am living with a friend, but I don't want to settle for this. I want more. I deserve more. I know deep down he doesn't truly love me like he used to, he just doesn't want the hassle of what single parenthood brings.He isn't good for me, he has anger issues which I don't want my son to pick up! He just isn't what I want in a partner anymore. I have changed, my aspirations, values, and what I want in a partner has changed. The only issue that terrifies me is the fact that if I left my relationship, I wouldn't have anywhere to go. I lost my mother at a young age, I don't have contact with my father, I have lost both of my grandparents and my auntie who is still here lives in a one bedroom flat. Though I wouldn't expect or want people to take us in. Financially, I am struggling as I currently pay for my son to go to nursery whilst working part time on almost minimum wage, it just isn't achievable. The money I have left is spent on food, sometimes clothes for my son, and bills. I suppose I'm asking for any advice if anybody has been through similar, or any help from anybody residing in the UK who can point me in a direction for assistance. Thank you VERY much in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2022): (We didn't have our son to save our relationship... )
So... it was a planned pregnancy, and, your relationship did *not* need saving prior to the birth of your son, is that correct?
Because clearly, if your relationship had needed saving prior to the birth of your son, the unplanned arrival of your son was bound to make things even more challenging.
I do notice though that apart from mentioning that 'he has anger issues', your post has a lot of I... I... I... I... I...
That gives us precious little on exactly what did *your partner* do to justify that you leave him?
And, a bit like, which came first, the chicken or the egg?
which came first, his turning into a friend you live with, or... the post-pregnancy you ?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2022): For now, you have to plan-out how you'll support yourself and your child without relying on his help. You also have to get your legal ducks in a row, by consulting with child-support authorities in advance; to begin the necessary documentation and process to seek child-support payments. Better sooner than later.
Apart from from your dyspnea, maybe you also suffer mild postpartum depression. Which could attribute to a sudden change in your emotions and feelings about your partner; but if you don't love him, you don't love him. That's not an illness. You probably never did, and you've come to this final realization and revelation over time. Just prepare for things ahead; because you will have to deal with his visitation rights and any challenge to your child-custody rights. Things are more in the mother's favor when it comes to which parent the child will live with; but any mental-health or physical-health issues are to be considered for the welfare and well-being of the child. Don't worry, just be ready for any pushback or obstacles.
When you meet someone your state of mind, your environment, financial situation; and the circumstances under which you met will have a bearing on how a romantic-relationship will be established and develop. Having a child changes things. You may have been lonely, or needy, when he came into your life. You based your feelings on your needs at the time. Needs can fluctuate and change. It may have been a temporary crush, or sexual-tension; which is sometimes mistaken for love. Happens all the time! Reality sets-in, and your hopes and expectations are not fulfilled. Becoming a mother, you've quickly matured! Probably a lot, since you initially met each-other. Now you realize, and have decided, he is not the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Realizing that before having a child would have been better; but it is what is.
Plot your "exit-strategy" with thought and precision. You have a child who is 100% dependent on you. You will definitely have to deal with his reaction and behavior regarding the eventual breakup. You can't always make a clean-break, or part amicably. It's more complicated, when you share a child. You have no family-support system; so you will have to pray a lot. Now is a good time to get better acquainted with God, there's a long and rocky road ahead. I know you'll be okay! Your post reflects courage and perseverance; but you cannot afford to be aimless, reckless, or impulsive. You have to make a plan and cover all your bases. You also need to make some closer connections with other women, for mentoring, emotional-support, and to feel grounded. Otherwise, you'll become insecure, start to miss him, succumb to loneliness; and find yourself crawling back to him. I don't know what kind of man he is; but some guys will never let you live it down for leaving him.
Don't make unnecessary baby-mama drama; and never use your child as a pawn. He will find somebody else, and you will have to deal with that too! You don't expect jealousy to arise in you; but it's a spontaneous (involuntary) human emotional-reaction to unforeseen outsider-intrusions, or interference. You no longer want him, it's just hard to see him happy or intimate with someone else. The heart thinks it can handle things on its own; but it can't, because alone it makes bad decisions. Heart and mind must synchronize. Your better-judgement must rule and check your emotions. Emotions can make us do foolish things. This is all heavy grown-up stuff, and unchartered-territory.
May God bless you, be with, and guide you. Don't do this without prayer. You're doing this all on your own, and everybody needs a friend and support. God is the best you'll ever have, and He won't let you down. You also need other people to care about you, and to encourage you. If you can make a connection with that aunt, who lives all alone; maybe she can still help with babysitting. Wise experienced-women are an excellent source of emotional-support and advice. Our aunts on DC are proof of that! Your aunt knows how to survive on her own, and support herself; and may welcome some family-connection. She doesn't have to provide you shelter or money, just someone to talk to. If not, God will help you find everything you'll need. Even if you're a non-believer for now; even atheists have turned to God, and He has changed their lives. I know for a fact, through personal-experience, that miracles do happen! That's why I always have hope!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2022): Of course I am only explaining not recommending. It is very normal to become bored of marriage after a few years. I think it happens to the great majority of couples if not all. Believe me you will get bored of your partner even if you were married to the handsomest guy or the most beautiful gal. The secret is how to slip from being lovers to being life partners or even business partners after a few years together. What you do is start taking interests in other things like how to succeed in your career or how to earn more money to buy that bigger house or that new car new holiday destinations date nights together let your mind loose to invent things. In bed try to spice things up. I don't know usually the man takes the initiative to do this but nothing says the woman can't do it too. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (21 February 2022):
Go to the Citizens advice bureau and ask what benefits and tax breaks you might be eligible for.
A friend of mine is bringing up a child as a single parent without any contribution from the father. (He's nearly 14 now) It was a struggle but she managed it and made excellent use of all the grants and benefits available to her. For example, as a single working parent she found she was eligible for subsidised nursery placements. Once her child started primary school he was subsidised to go to breakfast club and after-school clubs so she could continue working.
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