A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ended a relationship last year that ran for eight years but we basically became roomates - hadn't had sex for three years.Felt ready to start dating again this summer and have been seeing someone who I thought was really nice. I have never been one to jump into bed with someone - just isn't for me, I need an emotional involvement - but I let her take the running to some extent because she said she hadn't had a relationship for two years as her two previous blokes had cheated on her.Was all going really well - saw each other a lot, cooked for each other, did a mixture of things, had great sex too when we got round to it. I was dumped yesterday because someone from her past has been around and she isn't sure about her feelings. I feel that I have been a guinea pig to see whether she was over him or not - obviously not. Even when she told me this, she said I was the loveliest person she'd met in so long and felt awful for hurting me.I wasn't in love with her but after a sexless relationship, it was wonderful to be wanted again. My previous relationships to this have ended in my being cheated on, being too nice, just being friend material and a girlfriend I loved being killed in a car crash fourteen years ago.I'm 36, I am tired of games and being treated badly. My female friends all say I deserve better because I am a good catch, treat everyone wonderfully, but it never seem to work out for me. I've just bought a new flat, so moving away really isn't an option right now and having done the internet dating thing, 95% are single mums and I don't want kids. I tried a few new hobbies and met some more friends but I don't need more friends, I want someone to share my life with. I'm told I don't come over too keen or too laid back or too desperate. I feel like I am now going to just be on my own and I can't bare that. I'm on anti-depressants following three deaths within four weeks last year and I am now crying myself to sleep over my loneliness. I have done everything I can think of but don't know what to do. I like myself, I am happy with myself and who I am apart from being alone.I just don't know what to do any more to try and meet someone and am fed up being a nice guy who always finishes last.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 Thanks for the follow ups. I agree I came on strongly, I was worried what women would think upon reading your post. The women who responded here both advised you to take care of yourself first. That is excellent advice. I see that your losses in the past have made you, in a strange way, afraid to fully commit yourself. So there is some work to be done there. In the end we all come with some baggage we wouldn't be who we are without it.
As to some solid advice on how to get more respect from the women in your life, I'd look up Frank B Kermit. He posts here and has written on this subject extensively.
FA
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): brd - thanks. sadly, this one DID do it for me! I rushed much quicker than I usually would (mainly because she gave me the right signals). I wasn't lovey-dovey but there was no question of it just being very occasional casual either. What age qualifies as older kids? I don't want kids of any age at all living with me - I am just missing the fatherly gene I guess. And I really don't want a partner who is considerably older than me at 36 (my long-term ex was 10 years older - was great in that she didn't want kids but sadly after a few years of intermittent sex she didn't want that either, so been there done that).
Chi - I think part of the problem is that the girlfriend that was killed when we were 22 and I both thought we were "the one" and would be together for years and years but we never got the chance. Had been together 6 years at that point. Talking about marriage, the whole works. I guess when something doesn't work out I tend to think maybe that's because my match has been and gone. While I have had other relationships, they've never felt the same (unfair on my partners possibly). And if she was my match, will I find another one? I haven't yet.
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A
female
reader, ChiLawyer +, writes (31 August 2010):
First, I am sorry to hear about all of the loss you've experienced in your life, the loss of relationships - whether caused by death or breakup - are just so emotionally draining and knock you down so far sometimes it seems like you will never get up. I hope you're doing something cathartic for yourself.
Let me say secondly that if you think that no woman will ever want you based on your past relationships and some belief that you're too nice, well that's total crap. It's self-doubt that we pile up on a plate and feed ourselves constantly when things don't work out. There have been bundles of books written about this..."Why Women Marry Jerks" or "Why Men Love Bitches" etc. It's almost cliche now. There is nothing wrong with you, and likely nothing wrong with the women you date. The problem is you've not been right for eachother. Nothing hurts more than when you're in love with someone who you feel is totally right for you, and is all you've ever wanted, but they don't love you back because they don't feel that you're right for them. It's total agony. But somewhere there is someone who will be your match. You may not meet her at 36 or 37, or 40. But I promise you, she's worth waiting for.
It's hard to wait. Loneliness makes you desperate, and you tend to cling to the first person you get a positive response from. But try to focus on what makes you happy yourself, and then things usually fall into place! Don't give up on finding love! And don't give up on yourself.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (31 August 2010):
 Hey, hang in there, you're not alone. I too am going through a marriage break up and the realisations are coming thick and fast, and yes its very painful, to see who we were in that relationship and what happened to us. BUT ultimately we are in control. We have choices about the way we behave and who we attract - like it or not - and right now I know that I won't attract the right person until I give myself what it is I'm looking for - mostly love and affection, approval, honesty, and being myself in a relationship rather than a people pleaser - if I don't give these things to me, I shall just go seeking them from someone else, and we all have a type we pick to get it from, and when we're in that place of need we don't pick the right type. So I'm working on letting go of the need for someone to fill me up and trying to replace it with someone I want. Don't know if that helps. You've had a lot of grief with the deaths, which is enough on its own, now you've had another lot added. But don't despair, I was in a similar place a few years ago, and I had breast cancer - and guess what ? I'm still on here, replying to you, maybe a little battered and bruised from my latest run in, but on the whole, I'm ok. You take care. You can do this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): FA - I do appreciate all advice, but I can tell you I want a lover and not a mother. The girl I have been seeing and I had really the best sex I have ever had and she was hugely complimentary (which was great after a sexless stint). I have never been ridden roughshod, but I do believe in compromise where possible and taking into account my partner's feelings. As for the kids thing, I am well aware that is going to limit my choices, but I can't help really, really not wanting children. I can't suddenly flick a switch. I just don't have that biological clock. However, I don't see why that means I have to spend the rest of my life alone. I'd rather jump off a cliff, quite honestly.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 Sorry my friend it sounds like a pity party to me.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 August 2010):
I'm really tossed up about how to answer this. First at 36 years old you demanding no children as a prerequisite is going to rule out most of the candidates. Next, I agree that you relationship history does point to nice guy syndrome. The women in your life have not seen you as powerful, so they have run rough shod over you. As a response to that I would say that being a jerk is not the answer. You need to be more powerful without being insensitive or rude. Being a Bad Boy won't get you the long term commitment you are looking for. Lastly, Don't show this letter to anyone you are considering a relationship with. I'm sorry to say it comes off that you are looking for a mother, not a lover.
FA
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